HELP!! PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO TELL ME IF I'M CRAZY.
My W works in a different office of the same company, with a new boss who has been on board for 1 year. They have ALOT in common and the new boss "stops by" often and plans frequent elaborate office team building parties. I have been uncomfortable with him, suspecting a budding EA. When I observe them together it get a bit uncomfortable. But so far my wife seems to be very forthcoming about what goes on day-today and never hides away her work phone - good signs perhaps. She does often dress very cute however.
The boss is becoming a constant fixture in her work life - I hear his name constantly - and the phone emails and texts are frequent at least several a day, often flirty - always the kind that could be taken two ways.
Tonight, he sent the following text, along with a photo of my wife's favorite meal from her favorite resturant:
"Thinking of You......"
He sent a very similar message in December.
I have a tendency to overreact to this partciular sort of thing - not outwardly, just it causes anxiety.
So.......I need some objective advice. Is this inappropriate? evidence that something is going on? should I confront W?
PLEASE HELP - I'll never make it through tomorrow without a big OR talk.....
With the text you quoted, I would say yes, that is inappropriate. The important thing is how you handle it and address it. Do not get mad, do not put her on the defensive. Do not try to make her feel bad.
Other than this do you feel your marriage is in good shape? I would suggest calmly bringing it up to her that you are uncomfortable with it. You might want to ask her if everything is OK.
I know the signs were there with my wife a long time ago, I wish I would have addressed the issue properly at the beginning.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Our marriage is under quite a bit of stress. Things are definately not OK. Marriage stress, kid stress, work stress. And she knows I do not trust her boss. My other threads explain.
On the other hand, I tend to worry too much and have a lot of anxiety about abondonment (good reasons, but pre-W). I've been very unhappy since W went back to work - long story, see other threads, and seeing a therapist. Asked W to join me, but she said no. I may have pushed her away some by worrying about this and seeming needy. Working on that. I have great success when boss is not in the picture and in our daily lives.
So....I really have no idea if this is appropriate or not and what to do about it.....
What ever you do, do not attack her or put her on the defensive.
How do you know about the texts/emails? did you spy on her to find out?
If she showed them to you, then you need to express your concern calmly and without attacking her about it. Validate her feelings if she expresses any.
Stay calm and focused on your marriage, fighting about something that may have or may not have happened would be pointless.
I should have said how I know about these. The first time a very similar message appeared (December) we were sitting on the coach and she sort of made like she didn;t want me to see, but later showed me. This time she sent me out with the kids and handed me her phone instead of mine, when I scanned to see "my" messages I saw the subject line "Thinking of You...." and who it was from. And yes, I opened it. That last part I guess wou;d be snooping. I try really hard not to spy.
If I ask her about this she will almost certainly start hiding her phone and being careful not to say anything.....whatever might be going on would go underground.
I don;t know if boss was alone when he sent the message or not.
W went to bed saying she was tired, we haven't been connecting since we had a conversation yesterday about future plans and schedules.
Still trying to figure out - would I send an email like this to one of my employees? ever? This man and I report to the same supervisor.....this is getting complicated....
Dear Still Learning, I'm a woman and my alarm bells started to go off with what you described. This guy is a predator IMHO.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Still. My gut says no. But it's not my gut that counts here.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
