I have been reading the His Needs/Her Needs book. In there, Dr. Harley tells about the 5 basic needs that men and women have. Of course the #1 need for the average man is "Sexual Fullfillment". He talks about some research that was done on why rich and powerful men leave their wives for other women. He wanted to know why men that are leaders in religion, business, etc. and have families, children, wives, money, and power, why they would risk losing everything just for the OW. The answer he got was surprising, these men said that without that special sexual relationship(being lovers), NOTHING ELSE IN LIFE REALLY MATTERS.
How many HD guys here feel this way? I know that this is being driven relentlessly by the testosterone in our bodies. I know that I am going down this path, but fighting it the whole way. I think that many men eventually get to the point where they would be willing to chuck everything, wife, kids, job, savings, EVERYTHING just to find that special sexual realtionship with OW. No I can understand what was driving Bill Clinton to RISK EVERYTHING with any number of his women. Boy, do I sound like some horrible guy. But yet I read the postings on the MLC board, and all I see that many of the WAH on that board are literally throwing it all away for the "Special Sexual Relationship".
Do HD women eventually get to this point as well?
One little interesting thing I saw on TV was about men that were changing their sexes to female. These men all had to get female hormone therapy long before they had any surgery. These men all commented that the very pleasurable side effect of the hormones "Is that their sex drives were GREATLY dimished". Think about that, these guys were HAPPY that they were losing their sex drives.
Quote: The answer he got was surprising, these men said that without that special sexual relationship(being lovers), NOTHING ELSE IN LIFE REALLY MATTERS.
That's not that surprising to me. I have kids and have decided that it's not worth divorcing my spouse because of the effect it would have on them. I will stay in this marriage, which is, to me, little more than a legal cohabitation arrangement. But I will not shortchange my needs. If an opportunity comes up to have a sexual affair with OW, I will probably take advantage of it. Frankly, I don't think my wife would be all that surprised, or even that she'd be pissed at me. I once told her that I wasn't going to let her decision on withholding sex affect my sex life, and she was happy with that.
The lack of sex in my life certainly does make me feel empty. The happiest moments are still somewhat hollow, because I don't feel that close to my wife, who I love dearly.
Quote: I will stay in this marriage, which is, to me, little more than a legal cohabitation arrangement.
It seems to me that many LD's are OK with this, which really blows my mind!
My wife has always told me that if I had another woman, she would cut IT off. Funny, she does not want to touch it, but if I use it the way it was meant to be used with someone who actually CARES about it, my wife will cut it off! If you don't want to be sexual with your spouse, YOU HAVE TO EXPECT THAT THEY WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE! How couls you NOT think that way?
Very good points. When a woman, LD or HD, loses control over "her man"., it sure can be lost over their interest in Sex. After 10 years of SSM, I asked my spouse over dinner if she would consider becoming celebate. She looked at me like I was crazy. To me, it is easier facing the fact that you will not ever have sex with your partner, to have that as a certainty, rather than the daily frustration of guessing if she is receptive, in the mood, the house is clean, the garbage is out, the clothes are put away, the kids are in bed, etc. As you pointed out, it is easier to stay together for the kids, after they are grown, all bets are off. Ever read the newspaper, divorce column, and see how many couples divorce after 20-30 years. I would venture a guess that a SSM is behind a fair share of those. To put myself in a LD woman's point of view, I still have decided that I would come to some sort of compromise in the type, frequency and availability of providing some sort of sex or sexual relief. The payoff would perhaps be a spouse who appreciated my efforts, a spouse who would be less apt to have an affair, less crabby, less moody, less whiney, etc. I think women do not understand how important sex is to the male of the species. It brings us together, and may ultimately also, break us apart.
I have read parts of the book "What men want women to know about Men" and much of a mans personality, health, and emotions, are directly linked to his penis. The book is great at explaining EXACTLY what men WANT and NEED. If I was a LD women reading that book, it would be downright frightening as to how much of a man's life is wrapped up in his penis. When they say men think with it, they are not far from wrong!
I can understand exactly what you're saying. SEX was the most important thing to ME in our M. Nothing else mattered! As long as the W and I could have GREAT sex after 30 YEARS, the troubles of the world meant nothing! Now that she is gone, sex doesn't seem so impotent any more!
TonyP:
In fact I want to take some of the notes from that book and post them in different places to remind me, and maybe show the wife I am trying toi change me. None of this female stuff comes naturally for me, and I can see where some things I have done could really bother my wife. Unfortunately, I don't think my changing into the most wonderful husband in the world is going to make a bit of difference. I don't think many fridgid women ever become UNfridgid.
You know something her TonyP, now that I think of it, that book describes MANY, MANY times throughout the book that women must feel security in the relationship before they can emotionally connect with their man. I can not believe how many times security is brought up in the book, it is a lot. But if us men mention that are sex lives suck to our wives and tell them that we are not happy with where they are sexually, did we just not shatter the idea of security? Our unhappiness with our sex lives no would appear to make us prone to the OW problem, and that would of course make the wife feel unsecure, which then makes her turn off even more to us sexually. It is a self fullfilling prophecy. She knows that she is not meeting her husbands need for sexual fullfillment, which makes her feel less secure, which makes her want sex even less. This is a no win situation for us guys. If we tell our wives that the sex department needs attention, we will in effect cause her to want it even less. Boy this bites!
Hey CeMar. Remember, becoming the most wonderful husband in the world is for you, not her. Do it for yourself and not for some payback in the future. Otherwise, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. Signed, Hairdog, the most wonderful husband in the world.
