Thanx for the advice denver. It is always well thought out and from the heart. As MWD described, I sense that my W is beginning to soften on our situation. She writes me often on how much she misses our D2. These texts usually lead to other subjects. She is a great mother and maybe guilt is starting to take its toll. A biproduct of the LRT. We both had wanted a bigger family with vacations, huge christmas's, family outtings, etc. Somehow we just lost sight of our dreams. You are so right in the fact that I just need to listen to her at this point. There will be a time and place to address the OM. I feel we need to find our connection again first. I need to be the better man. Good night to all and GO PACKERS!!
My W just called to ask if she could come over and talk tomorrow. Also she need to get some paperwork for our D2 health insurance. I asked her what she need to talk about. She just responded that she had a list in her head of things. I said sure and asked her if she would like to have dinner, I would pick up chinese. She declined. I think this was to forward of me. Her tone of voice seemed very business-like with not much emotion. This leads me to believe that this will a mostly financial talk. Unless she were to bring it up, I will not bring up our R. I hope I have the strength to do that. I really worry that I'm gonna get some unforseen bomb dropped on me. She told me in the beginning that she would not file until the house sells, which doesn't appear to be happening any time soon. Thank god! I know she is tired of living by her mothers but I just don't feel a reconciliation at this time. So I will DB my butt off and hope for the best.
Also, how do I go about putting a statement on the end of my posts? Like:
Morning DBer's My wife came by as promised to talk about our situation. Our D2 was in the middle of a late nap, which was nice so we could talk. At first we talked about simple things like some paperwork she needed for our D2 insurance. Then she asked me what I thought about our R. I told her to elaborate bc I wanted to listen to her more than do the talking. She told me that she felt we were just in limbo and nothing was changing. She made a comment that we never hardly talk. Makes me think I may have done too much LRT. I asked her if she would like to talk more. She said it was too late for that and she was done. She said she never has moments were she misses me.
Again I am living in our house and she is living at her mom's. She made multiple comments about how much she misses her things. She seems so angry with me about this. I must be doing a good job of acting "as if". She thinks I am really enjoying myself right now and she is the only miserable one. If she only knew. My W actually broke down crying multiple times, something I haven't seen her do in all the time we have been having these troubles.
Now here's the bomb..she asked me if I would file jointly with her. She explained that the process would be easier. I listened to her tell me her reasoning for this. I told her I would not file in any way. She asked me to reconsider and told me she would send me some links on the subject. I told her I would read them and let her know. Our plan has always been that she would wait until the house sold until she would do anything. Now she says that if I don't file jointly, she will file by the end of the month. I don't see how this will help her situation. She already has money problems and this will only worsen them. Also she will still be stuck at her mom's until the house sells. Doesn't make sense to me.
Early in the evening we talked about our friends that were having babies and getting married. This came up again towards the end. We both admitted that we wish we were in there situation. We had always planned on having 3 kids. I know she hates to see our dreams dying too. She says she just can't see herself being in love again. She can't understand how I can still hang on to hope for us, but she doesn't know about DBing!
Well I'm not sure if anybody still reads this thread but if anybody does I would like some advice. I've been thinking a lot about how the other night when my W came by to talk she asked me if I would be interested in doing a joint filing. She said that it would an easier process, less expensive, and I won't have to be served papers. I told her that I doubt I would. She says that she has some links that she will email me, which she hasn't yet, and I told her I promise I will read them. During our R talk on tuesday night I asked her about C. She said that maybe a year ago she would have but doesn't feel it would help anymore. What I've been thinking about is agreeing to look into joint filing if she agrees to C first. I just don't feel like we've exhausted every effort to save this M. What do the BITS out there think of that idea?
Well I too have survived v-day...thank god. A little update on my sitch. Last week when my W came over she told me how broke she was and how we needed our house to sell. She works very hard and I know how much stress finances put on her. She is not careless at all with her money, but buying this house a couple of years ago along with some other unforseen finances, has really stretched her thin. I told her I would gladly give her money to help her make it to her along, but she said she wouldn't take it.
I hate to see her so stressed, always have. Never want to see someone you love in pain, especially if you can help them. I thought hard on how I could find a way to help her. During our talk she had mentioned about how she wasn't sure how she was going to afford to put gas in her car. Well the lightbulb went off in my head. After work I stopped at a gas station and bought her a $50 gas card. I then went to the post office and put it in an envelope with a note that read "you work too damn hard and your smile is too beautiful not to have on everyday." I know this definently goes against LRT and I guess is considered pursuing, but I was willing to take the chance.
I was going to be gone for the weekend and had told my W that she had mail at the house. She said she would pick it up this weekend. Part of me was wondering if the g.c. would be sitting on the counter with a nasty f.u. note. This wasn't the case. She texted me on saturday thanking me for the gift. We began a short texting convo about how our weekend was going, she has our D2 and I was ice fishing, it was all pleasant.
On monday, v-day, I went to pick up our D2 at her day-care and there was a handmade valentine there for me. My W had helped my D2 make it for me. The card only had my D2 name on it but I could see that they put some time into this. What a great surprise.
When we got home, my D2 and I were playing outside in our unusually warm weather. I kept wondering if I should just text my W a thank you or should I really man-up and call her. I decided it's time to man-up. She answered the phone very happily. I started the convo with my thank you and them it just kept going from there. We talked about our weekend, friends, some gossip, etc. The call lasted about 45 minutes and ended with us both wishing each other a good night. I hung up the phone feeling good, celebrating a small victory but always wondering what do I do next????
IW - Sorry man. I just haven't seen your thread in a while. It seems to be buried.
IMO, I would not agree to help your W with the D process in any way shape or form. You can agree to cooperate, but not help.
You want to put off the start of the process as long as possible. TIME is your best friend, so you want to have as much of it as possible.
At the end of Dec or beginning of Jan, I forget, my W asked me if I would agree to jointly file for a legal separation. This is what I told her:
“W, I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.
You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.
I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family. And I will never accept another person being a part of our life together.
I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be.”
If this is how you feel. This is a great way to say it IMO.
YOU take the power back. YOU have made YOUR decision.
You are not placing anything in her hands except her own choice to come back to the M.
You will not be a victim of her choice either way.
Can't take credit for that. Found it on someone else's thread. But I think that it is a good way of communicating this to your W.
I will try to stay up with your thread. Keep posting often though. You should be upgraded to 'member' instead of 'new member' soon. This will allow your posts to show up immediately and bump your thread to the top of page one.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
A good friend of mine and his wife are now really enjoying there M, but this was not always the case. The W had an affair one night while he was out of town. It was discovered and the two seperated. At the time they had one D8. From everything we heard it was over and a D was imminent. The H was seeing other people, I'm not sure if the W was too, the house was sold, and everything was on track for a D. The H amy have tried to hide his emotions by going to the arms of OW, but as a close friend of his, i knew he was dying inside. Then things began to change. They were spending time together and eventually decided to work things out. Happy ending right....not at this point!
The two were back together and everyone assumed things were going great. The W had even become pregnant with there second child. One night she dropped the bomb on him. She was going to visit a friend and when she returned she would be moving in with her parents....it was over. She was still pregnant at this point. They were S for around four months and again it was expected that they would D. As time went on they began spending more and more time together. They eventually worked it out and are now working on a great M.
They both have been very supportive of my efforts to save my M. i like advice from both of them. Her, being a WAW, has been very interesting to talk to. i want to share with all of you some of the advice she has givin me in emails.
here's the first one:
I have gone through times with H where I just wasn't sure if that was what I wanted. It is hard for a woman to function in life sometimes. After I had D8 I changed. I wanted more and wasn't happy. As a Mommy you change. Life is all of a sudden seen through different eyes and you want different things. H was the same and I had changed. It took a while for us to get back onto the same page. He was not the man I saw myself with. We did counseling and focused a lot on us. He needed to get more involved as a daddy and once he did I was more attracted to him as a H. I don't think a wife/mother should have to tell there spouse what to do, I expected him to do it. And that was wrong, because he didn't know what to do. Helping out and doing more things with D8 without me having to tell him or ask him was important. Mom's have the hardest jobs. We need help but don't want to have to ask, we want you to just do it. So, that is just some advice. Give her space but try to strive and be "that guy" that she wants to be with.
Here's the second one:
Unfortunately a M is a give take and sometimes I have felt like I am a give give person and H was a take take. I was able to look at our life and everything we have and our children and decide that we needed to make it work. I love him and we did have to go through some real bad times to get where we are today. Have you thought of counseling or offered it to her? I think she has turned off her emotions about it all and that is why it is so easy for her to just say its done. That is what I did. Then I had to feel again and it hurt too much. I wish I could just give you the answer, but I can't. I hope with time and space she realizes what she had with you and D2 and tries to make it work. You need to try to move on and do you. You can't keep living for her or living for hope to make your family one again. It sometimes was irritating to me when H seemed so overly willing to get back together. You need to be happy and confident in you and that is an appealing thing for a girl.
These responses are very reassuring in reguards to the LRT and a 180. She wanted to be givin space and a chance to look at her M. Even when everyone else was just assuming it was over, they never gave up on each other. Through the darkness they found light. We can't give up
Thanks Denver i appreciate you stopping by to check on me. i have been trying to keep up on yours and FOBD posts along with a few others.
My W has yet to email me about or further mention a D. I have noticed since our problems began that she does have a tendency to speak irrationally at times. she is one of the smartest people i know and i also know this is out of character for her.
I have decided now more then ever to stick to my guns. A D is not what i want for my D8, my self, or our family. if she chooses to do this i can't stop her, but will not contribute to something that i whole heartedly don't want. I think after she left she thought about things and is realizing that to file now would make no sense. It would only put us deeper in debt, mountains of more stress, and would not help our house sell any faster. I also want to buy myself some time.
Little update on us: I had my D8 last night and was planning to take her to a story-time thing at the library that is no more than a 100 yds from were my wife is staying. She has dropped numerous hints about not being invited to things, so i decided to not make that mistake again. I planned all day to call her after work and invite her along. As i was driving home with my D8, my W called me. She wanted to tell me about some paperwork for my D8 health insurance was filed, something a month ago she would have just texted. the convo soon moved on to all types of small talk and laughing. I told her about the library and asked if she would like to come. She told me she would have come but already had plans. She did not elaborate and in true DB fashion i refrained from prying.
I have my D8 this weekend and was telling my W about a few plans we have, make a snowman, go sledding, etc. I mentioned that my sister would be watching her on saturday night and i was going to our friends bar to see band. She sounded intrigued that i was going to be there and said she was thinking about going too. i slipped up and maybe sounded a little desperate. i told her that if she comes i will buy her a drink or two. i reminded her of this later in our convo too. she seemed to hesitate a little when i mentioned this. i have decided to not bring up the show anymore unless she does to me. She knows i will be there and the ball is in her court.
To the love of my life: I love you and miss you more than i ever could imagine. I could never give up on us!
Denver I really do owe you a heart-felt thank you for taking the time to seek out my thread. Even through everything that is going on in your own life you find time to be such an active member of this community. Keep it up brother.
