Those explanations still don't explain why she drew the conclusion she was being recorded. You are absolutely certain there is no way she could have discovered your posting here?
Also, on peer pressure. You are a grown man who can make his own decisions based on the advice he is receiving. Nobody is pressuring you into doing anything. That is just playing the victim in this situation, and not taking responsibility for your decisions or actions.
You did the right thing standing up for yourself in my opinion, but as soon as she came to punch holes in your wall, you crumbled in seconds and now are wishing you hadn't said anything. Instead of standing behind doing what you thought was right, you apologized.
You didn't trust her enough? Why should you trust someone who is hell-bent on leaving you and breaking apart your family? Do you really think she has your best interests in mind right now?
She is walking out on you, and you are still excusing her behavior to yourself and to us. I see you still detailing conversations between the two of you and being focused on the R as opposed to working or being willing to examine yourself.
Sorry if this sounds harsh. I really do want to see you prevail, you have not had that lightbulb moment where you get it yet, and it is difficult to watch from the sidelines and feel powerless to switch that lightbulb on for you.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I will keep working on myself while trying to be the friend she needs.
First part is good. Keep working on yourself.
Second part...why do you think she needs a friend? She needs a husband she trusts and respects. Stop trying to placate her, and work on being a better man.
I know it may seem like I am picking on little details, but the words you choose carry a powerful message about how you think relationships function.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
LIT: Thank you for praying for me. I am in, what we like to call, a big pile of dung. The peer pressure wasn't about recording, but to take action for fear that my wife might be building a case against me for full child custody. And no, she has not caught me recording before, and neither have I done so until yesterday. My wife feels really threatened right now because of:
A. Her finding naughty pics of her on my computer. I should've just erased them. B. She said that I tried to access her bank account three times over the last week or two. It definitely wasn't intentional. As the guy in charge of accounts, I was signing in into our account with her username and password for the past three years, so those three times i blindly typed the old username and password. I'm a creature of habit. No excuse for making a mistake like this though. C. Two other things I've written in this thread: Me accidentally walking in on her talking in the car in the garage on her cellphone (read up on that for more info), as well as me confronting her three times about her bringing our son to the psych. D. Her own paranoia, partly created by my mistakes mentioned above, as well as compounded by her own perspective of things and events that involve me.
There're probably other reasons, and if I remember or notice them, you can bet I'll write it here. I know she says she thinks I'm controlling, but I think that's only half true, because she was doing some of the same during our marriage too. What does that matter though, right? I can only control myself and work on myself.
Mike, it's so strange feeling like my head can't seem to keep up with my heart. What i mean is, I feel ready and resolute, but when it comes to actions, words...the outward stuff that everyone sees under pressure, including my wife, is failing miserably.
I'm quite certain she doesn't know about my postings here. I've told her a couple of times that I reach out and participate in some support sites, and I didn't see it in her reactions that she knows what I'm talking about. Also, my wife's hunch kicked in before I actually mentioned it here.
I will keep working on myself while trying to be the friend she needs.
First part is good. Keep working on yourself.
Second part...why do you think she needs a friend? She needs a husband she trusts and respects. Stop trying to placate her, and work on being a better man.
I know it may seem like I am picking on little details, but the words you choose carry a powerful message about how you think relationships function.
Quick question (and anyone can jump in here): So am I being a husband or a friend to my wife? I keep hearing both sides of the coin in this forum. I mean, I agree with you Mike that I should strive to be a husband she desires, but if that role itself is a turn off for my wife right now, what if being a friend is an appropriate way to help her mourn, release, etc?
It all starts with FRIENDSHIP. You're going back to the beginning in a way. You build the friendship FIRST.
I won't speak for Mike, but I don't think his advice is contraditory. Be the man that she would find attractive and who she wants to be with. But that starts with a friendship.
[quote=spellfire]Quick question (and anyone can jump in here): So am I being a husband or a friend to my wife? I keep hearing both sides of the coin in this forum. I mean, I agree with you Mike that I should strive to be a husband she desires, but if that role itself is a turn off for my wife right now, what if being a friend is an appropriate way to help her mourn, release, etc?
Husband she desires BUT you need to learn exactly what that entails. Your definition of what it means to be that husband is what got you here in the first place.
If you just work on being her friend, she may just think "this is working out great, he is taking this really well. My departure will be clean and we can stay friends / I can still get the benefits of this R without being married to him".
I am doing everything I can to try to convince you that you can be that husband, but you need to on board with it.
I think we need to go back to basics just for some damage control for now.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
See, this is where I am confused as well. My telephone councilor even said "be a friend." But it sounds like there is a line there and I do not know exactly where that line is. How do you be a friend but at the same not giving them their cake?
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
It all starts with FRIENDSHIP. You're going back to the beginning in a way. You build the friendship FIRST.
I won't speak for Mike, but I don't think his advice is contraditory. Be the man that she would find attractive and who she wants to be with. But that starts with a friendship.
I'm praying for you.
LIS
Heh, funny we just said the opposite of each other. I actually agree with you, but friendship is a tricky subject because in the context of romantic relationships it can mean:
"Lets just be friends" or "he is a really good friend" or "we are just friends, and I never think of my friends that way".
I think friendship as LIS intends it, and as a starting point for a romantic relationship means something different however. It means mutual respect, treating each other well, not pressuring, allowing each other to be who they are without trying to change them, and many other positive things any strong R needs to thrive.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
So true, Mike. The man that my wife fell for was a ball of confidence, success and dreams. This whole separation has seen me basically taking on the part of fire control, because being out of a job has kept my wife facing the other way (at least, I hope that's the case). Lord willing, I'm about a week out from starting a great new job -- yes, finally! Until then, she has no respect for me. I get the feeling that she sees me more like a housemaid and roomate than a husband who's trying to improve and save a marriage.
I thank you for staying up to speed with my situation, and being patient, because I do lack patience myself.
The peer pressure wasn't about recording, but to take action for fear that my wife might be building a case against me for full child custody. And no, she has not caught me recording before, and neither have I done so until yesterday. My wife feels really threatened right now because of: