A walk down memory lane

[angel61]

I posted this in my MLC thread but am not getting any responses, so I am hoping that I could find more feedback here....

I feel like I am finally learning to let go... but i am not sure. I have over analyzed my sitch into confusion sometimes... so here goes...

My old threads were all about H, the EA, the OW. Obviously, that was my main focus then. Not that I did not understand what PEI, Cat, HB, and everyone else was telling me. It was just that I could not do it, as I was always still holding on, finding ways to say I was letting go but my subconscious still plotted ways and means to twist the concepts I read about and apply them in a seemingly DB'ing manner BUT with strings attached.
The results? He did stay, but he progressively became more and more miserable, and we would cycle through our ups and downs but the downs always seemed worse. I would celebrate my small victories of having staved off the separation, the divorce, only to realize that the sum total was still backward steps.

H once even told me that he was afraid that the good memories of our M would one day get lost in the misery he was feeling, and then there would be no more positive things to remember.

That was the one thing that made me freak out, that made me feel that I was losing him totally.

I had to stop and rethink a lot of things. I was in such pain and confusion. The classic question, would letting go make me lose him, or gain him back, weighed heavily on my mind.

By Sunday morning I was close to a breakdown and H even got so agitated by my behaviour that he wanted to cancel his trip to our home country. He wanted to bring me to the hospital. I flat out refused and told him I just needed to pray for guidance, and that I wanted him to go on the trip so I could have some peace by myself as well.

When I felt calmer, we talked. I let him know that my feelings of resentment and betrayal and anger which led me to believe that we could never be friends outside the were being replaced by the realization that I love him and want him to be happy, as I myself cannot be happy if I know he is miserable. I really meant this. That if I am willing to talk about the S, and to try to remain friends.

I told him that one of my heartaches was that he was letting the present situation sully our past, that I do not see our past as being a lie because we did not know any better then and really worked in earnest to make our life a good one, and that if we did not go through our past, we will not get here where we are anyway.

I let him know that I want D12 to have a good memory of her childhood, to look back and know she had a happy one, which is true, and how could she do that if we did not acknowledge it? It was like a lightbulb moment, he looked at me and told me "well said, angel. That is very true". This accomplished one of my goals for the convo, and I think it will have a lasting impact.

In the end, both he and I agreed that an S or D at this point in time was too risky, and was like jumping off the cliff. We came up with a two year plan that includes me quitting my job and going back to school to review for my licensure in the states and retraining so I could practice my profession. He whole heartedly committed to supporting me, letting me know that my happiness and fulfillment is a priority for him as well. I also promised him that as long as he was single, I would repay him by supporting him if he wanted to do the same as well after me. I let him now there were things I wanted us to do together as a family before we S, and that I also want to work at being friends if we do S as we will have to face each other for many, many special occasions and not so special occasions due to our having a child together.

I did let him know though that I still do not want to D, that to me our M is a covenant, and will always have hope, though not expectations, that someday we will still be together.

The rest of the day became so much lighter and I saw a lot of the old H. he relaxed and we bantered, he initiated conversation, we went to church and he was so attentive at Mass, and even flirted with me and admitted that there was still a physical attraction between us. I responded by saying that yes, especially now that he is so fit, he is even more attractive to me and I cannot help but be turned on when we are together. In the evening, we ended up ML, the best since Nov.26 (end of EA). It made me think of Butterflymom's sitch, that I just read through last night. The part about how she was weak when it came to the sex, as her H was really handsome, and on the other side of the coin, how her H felt it helped rekindle their R. I think in my case it might be the same, as that is how we started in the first place - via a strong physical relationship.

Oh well, this is getting long but I still have a lot to share, so I will end it here for now. I will post again later to finish the story....but for now....Please let me know if I am finally on the right path.....