A New Chapter Begins

[MHL]

Time for a new thread as I turn the page on a new chapter in my life post divorce.
Lets dispense with the formalities first…….here is a link to my last thread which on the first page has links to the rest of my threads.

Paroled !!! MLC prison no more!!!

I have had a week to reflect on things since my divorce was final last week. After thinking about things I realized that leading up to the court date and including the day of the divorce I had some expectations. Not expectations that my MLC spouse would snap out of it and come to her senses but rather some sort of acknowledgement of the gravity of a 17 year marriage ending, even if that acknowledgement was happiness on her part.

Instead there was nothing from her, or at least nothing I noticed…..if I stop and think about it I did not do or say anything either that would give credence to what was about to happen. I still had an expectation and out of that was born some of my anger towards her. Being honest with myself, I would have to say there is still some residual anger there but I am putting distance between me and the event, every day is another step away from the divorce.

I know where “work” is these days, and yes even post divorce there is still work to be done. My “work” is letting go of any expectation that my XW will every “get it” or mention that she “gets it” to me. She may never snap out of her fog, some MLCer’s never do. Honestly, given her nature and her family I don’t think she will ever realize the level of pain she has caused, nor acknowledge it even if she does realize it. She comes from a very prideful family and during our marriage was never very apologetic or one to admit wrong doing.

As I look back on the last 20 months I think about what I had to do to get through and it really is a process of letting go………

First…..letting go of my Wife (detaching from her and looking away from her)

Second……letting go of my Marriage (accepting the fact that my old M was over)

Thirdly…….letting go of any expectation that she will ever come out of the fog or admission to me that she has done so.

WASs over time many times come to realize that the LBS was not the real source of their unhappiness. When that happens, it may be possible to become friendly with your XW.

Thanks for your post GAG,
I know that it is possible to be friendly with her just not so sure that it is healthy for me or the kids right now. This is exactly what I am working on now, I would like to be able to be friendly with her whether she comes to this realization or not. Time will tell.

MHL -
With that language, that I reviewed with my children, I will sign the dissolution settlement documents and end 25 years of marriage and 29 years of togetherness.

IB, we did everything we could to save the marriage and for that I am proud of you, myself and everyone else that comes here to save their marriages. One of the biggest fears I had early on was that my children would look at me later in life as one who “gave up”. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they know that I tried and gave everything I had to save the marriage.

Then, start a bucket list. Put all kinds of things on it - places to go, goals, hopes.

And start begin your life anew. Fill it with new memories, new friendships.

I wish for you many days filled with happiness and laughter. I wish that you remember how far you have come and how much more you have to give.

Keep in keepin' on, my friend.

Brook,
Got the bucket already and it is being filled I trust you have yours too ??????
The keepin’ is going on daily !!!

I am proud of you.

And proud to have walked this with you.

Me too brother….me too.

You are NOT the same Missher that came here oh so long ago...

Him, I wanted to smack (wait I think I did once or twice )

No I am not the same person…..

But

That doesn’t mean that you won’t want to slap me time and again….LOL.

I'm sorry? As an old friend once told me, "F me, I'm sorry too."

Is it a battle or the war?

Jack,
Thank you for the thought, and thank you for the guidance “early on”, seems so long ago yet I can read some new poster’s threads today, like tadpole and it all comes flooding back like it was yesterday.

It is odd that if I had the knowledge and understanding back then that I now have today things may have been different but then I don’t think that I would be where I am at as an individual today. Sometimes I feel that if we tell new posters what to do and they actually did it (imagine that, Lord knows I didn’t) they might miss out on that journey of self discovery.

Battle or the War????

I feel that the saving the marriage was actually the battle…….in the beginning we view it as the War. Winning the War is growing as person, becoming a whole person that is not defined by someone else. Sometimes we lose the battle and while it is sad we can rejoice in the fact that the War was won.

Thanks for giving your time to this place where many come for reassurance and advice, understanding and friendship.

If it is okay with everyone I will continue to post here as I know without a doubt that my XW is still deep in the tunnel and while I do not have the desire to reconcile with her I still have to interact with her as we raise our children. So I am still dealing with MLC, although it is more indirectly, I will be observing from a “safe” distance.

Well the picture I saw, pretty girl, Missher out GAL, dancing around.

Just keep dancing Missher, thats all we can all do.

My life continues on and I am happy. I have been dating one person for the last couple of months and have enjoyed getting to know her and having fun with her……..and that includes dancing!!! In fact tonight I am going out to a “late” Valentine’s Day dinner with her (she lives about an hour away). I will say that it is exciting to put into practice all that I have learned about myself and men and women and relationships, I go into this relationship as a “whole” person that is happy with himself first!!!!

Today is Little Friday and many of you know it is my day of affirmation that ……

“Life is Good and it is Good to be Alive”

However,

Today I get to celebrate Little Friday for what it was originally intended……..a day to reconnect with someone special in our lives.
Tonight I will get to spend time with someone that is becoming more special to me everyday, tonight we will be able to focus on each other without kids, jobs, or friends or anything else that distracts us from nurturing a loving relationship with our mates.

I hope that we all can one day celebrate “Little Friday” once again with someone special in our lives.

Cheers

[Jack_Three_Beans]

If it is okay with everyone I will continue to post here

As my teenage boy would say (but not to me or mom)

Duh?!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Oh yeah and thank you for the compliment. : )

[dl443322]

You are ok in my book.

Please continue to post. We would miss your insights.

I am figuring out my bucket list, my friend and working on it, too.

Have a great time tonight. You deserve it!

[Truegritter]

Dude why don't you change your name now?

SwissMiss?

LordoftheRings?

SleeperCreeper?

IDK...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I like Swiss Miss.

[PEI]

Buddy, it has been an absolute pleasure to get to know you and I count you as one of my very best friends on this planet ... RL, online, imaginary or otherwise . Guidance, support, friendship and 2x4s ... you've given them all to me, and for that I thank you. I learn from you so often and am grateful for your honesty and caring. You, my friend, are one in a million. As they sing in the theme song of Mach's favorite show ... "Thank you for being a friend"

Luv ya,
T

PS ... SwissMiss get's my vote too

[crushednstuck]

Hey MHL, you serve as a great example to all. I admire your ability to maintain the peace in a horrific circumstance.

Our sitchs seem so similar. But while I continue to struggle with the terrible things W says and does, you seem to have found the path to successful detachment.

Best of luck on your new path.

[MHL]

Dude why don't you change your name now?

That is something I have thought about for sure.....

The name definitely does not communicate how I am feeling now but it certainly did when I first came here.

It is a bit of a reminder to me about my journey and how far I have come, "a rearview mirror" of sorts.

My other consideration is that I don't want to confuse new posters to the site as my ultimate hope is that my story will benefit anyone that may happen to read it.

Let me think about it a little bit.....

If I did, it may be something simple like "MHL" or a variation of "missherlove"....not sure.

Of course "LordoftheRings" would get Eric's vote for sure and the underlying meaning would garner a snicker from you guys everytime you posted to me. (certainly some value in that!!)

I know that no matter what I change it to, if I do at all.....Jack and Mach will always refer to me as "Swiss", kind of like playground bullies, ya know.

Buddy, it has been an absolute pleasure to get to know you and I count you as one of my very best friends on this planet ... RL, online, imaginary or otherwise . Guidance, support, friendship and 2x4s ... you've given them all to me, and for that I thank you. I learn from you so often and am grateful for your honesty and caring. You, my friend, are one in a million. As they sing in the theme song of Mach's favorite show ... "Thank you for being a friend"

Luv ya,
T

PS ... SwissMiss get's my vote too

Thanks T !!!!

Luv ya too.

. But while I continue to struggle with the terrible things W says and does, you seem to have found the path to successful detachment.

Thanks CNS.......

I know you have endured so much for a long time, but you too will find your own peace in "time". Everyone has a different timeline and the time it takes to reach that place is different for everyone.

However....

If you keep working on it you will get there and the nice thing is that when you do get there, you will not even be trying......it just happens.

As Brooklyn says "Keep on Keepin'"

Cheers

[ericmsant2]

Lord of the Rings,

Being honest with myself

This ^^^^ IMO, is the gift of all of this. The gift of having to endure the pain…when we finally starting looking inside, we learn to be very honest with ourselves.

She may never snap out of her fog, some MLCer’s never do. Honestly, given her nature and her family I don’t think she will ever realize the level of pain she has caused, nor acknowledge it even if she does realize it. She comes from a very prideful family and during our marriage was never very apologetic or one to admit wrong doing.

Are you sure she is not related to my STBXW? LOL. I feel ya dude. Personally, I have finally stop expecting her to ever admit to any wrong doing. That my friend is their problem. One day though….they will realize and come to understand the pain and errors of there actions. We may never hear it..but deep down inside they will realize. Why do I say this? We’ll cause honestly I do believe that God or some higher power exists and at some point, be it on a death bed we all come to the realization of what our actions cause and how we lived our lives.

Of course "LordoftheRings" would get Eric's vote for sure and the underlying meaning would garner a snicker from you guys everytime you posted to me. (certainly some value in that!!)

Yep….I vote for Lord of the Rings…hey you can shorten it….say…LOTF.
Dude, I am not gonna post about how wonderful you are or how much you endured..You already now that. What I have to say is…..when do you want to do the double date thing 
With Love,
Eric