I wrote my h a letter when I was in the thick of all this. And I rewrote it, changed it and added to it over many months. Everytime I was angry or sad. But I didnt send it.
Here's why. I knew that though I said it was for closure, but that in some small recess in my brain, I was hoping for a reaction. And I knew he wasn't going to hear it. And if he wasnt going to hear it, what was the point?
So, I waited til I was really and truly detached. I waited until I was healed and strong. And I waited until I saw my h peek out a bit. I knew that I wasnt going to have closure until I knew that he heard me.
S, I know that there are so many things you want to say to him. But you will know when the time is right. You will not have to ask. You will just know.
If you do it now, expect no response or an angry one. And I dont think, given what you are dealing with now, that you need to add to your stress.
I think it's best if you wait a bit. You will know. I promise.
Thank you all for your opinions and advice. I have taken it all in.
If I'm honest I didn't think it mattered any more if what I wrote to H caused guilt or not. What he feels or doesn't feel is his choice. It wouldn't have been written with that intention. It wouldn't be written cruelly or to get him to change his mind or with any expectation of H really even hearing what I had to say. He only hears the beat of his own drum right now. He can't even hear the cries of his children and if he can't hear that, what chance would I have of getting through? It really would have been for me.
H hasn't heard me for years and it's apparent I didn't hear him either. It would have helped if he would have used words instead of expecting me to read his mind. I truly did think I was doing at least a good job of being a wife. There were very few complaints over the years. That is until BD where I got blasted for all of my shortcomings. I do know some of what H said was projection and what stung I worked on in myself, and continue to work on those things which I discovered I didn't like. It's a lifelong process...
I have decided to write the letter to H and add it to the folder of the many unsent letters I have written him through out this. I can see how I have evolved through this.
My marriage will end much like it has gone on for years, with many things that were either unsaid or unheard. Yes, I could have done better during my marriage and I own that and will never forget those lessons. My H is still holding on to the justification that he was taken for granted, this is what he said is his main reason for the divorce. He is right, he was at times. I own that and have apologized for it. It is his choice to not let go of it. I also know in my heart that he wasn't taken for granted as much as he wants to believe. I own that I did a poor job of showing him that in a language he could not understand. I spoke in mine, not in his.
The main thing I took for granted was that he'd be here. At the end of the day when all was said and done we'd still have each other. I did not foresee this and I should have...in hindsight the signs were there. I was too busy in my role to pay attention.
The one thing I believe is that it truly would not have mattered whether I was a perfect wife or a biotch on wheels to my H, this would have ended up happening anyway. I believe in MLC, not as an excuse to absolve me of guilt or to excuse H of his choices. I believe it because it is the only thing that makes any sense of the profound changes in the man I used to know, right down to what his core values were. I went seeking answers to what happened to him and believe I understand now.
I do not regret my journey and what I've learned on it. I will continue to embrace it while looking forward to what God has planned for me. I've let go of H and my wish for him is that he finds peace, love and the strength to look inside. I believe if he does this he will find the happiness he has been searching for, this will be his choice.
Thank you all again. In truth, I never believed how people could 'hook up' over the internet. Now I know. It was another lesson learned. When I say you all have been blessings in my life, they are not just words. It is the heart felt truth. Thank you to all who cared enough to pay forward the lessons you've learned and the knowledge you've gained to benefit others that are on this journey. You are truly a special group of people and I thank God I was led here.
And Grit, I hear you loud and clear...I understand and agree completely...Someday if and when the time is right, I'll know it, and I will be heard. If that time never comes, it is OK, my head and heart know what my truth is.
Yes, it was a beautiful letter, and I know it is not a goodbye, although you may need a short break for simple meditation. It's been a very rough few weeks lately for you. We all understand that.
Many of the things you said above apply to me, as well. I did way too much assuming in my R with my H. I have never been particularly touchy, feely; but thought after 20 years my H would know how I feel about him. So if there is only one great lesson to be learned on this Board, it is that the axiom about the word ASSUME is correct.
You are a beautiful person, and you will be still be a beautiful person if divorced. This too shall pass.
Do your deep thinking, write the letter, concentrate on your life. We will always be here for you. ((HUGS))
The one thing I believe is that it truly would not have mattered whether I was a perfect wife or a biotch on wheels to my H, this would have ended up happening anyway. I believe in MLC, not as an excuse to absolve me of guilt or to excuse H of his choices. I believe it because it is the only thing that makes any sense of the profound changes in the man I used to know, right down to what his core values were. I went seeking answers to what happened to him and believe I understand now.
SA, That right there says it all and moreover the real blessing in all this mess is that through trying to "understand" our MLC spouses we inturn gain a deeper more meaningful "understanding" of ourselves.
Connecting with the people here on the boards is truly amazing. I think because we come here without anything else that normally impedes the developement of a truly "honest" relationship we can connect with each other on a much deeper level.
Funny how we struggle to acheive this deeper level of understanding with the people in our everyday lives, but here it happens so easily.
We are blessed by having you here also.
Happy Little Friday !!!
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
This was said to eloquently, and some of the things your H has said about your marriage my H has said about ours. One of the things is being taken for granted. You are right as the years grow we do take each other for granted. Though I did try to do special things for my H through out our marriage to thank him for all he has done for me and our family, but it was in my language. I wish I had read the 5 love languages years ago, but to be honest, after reading it, I still am not sure what my H language is, and obviously one of my faults in not knowing H as well as I thought I did.
I am praying for you and know you will prosper and grow daily in the the woman God has intended you to be!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
S, much of what you wrote of your marriage and your h, I could have written about mine. But here's what I know.
I know now that there were things in my marriage that needed tending to. I know now that I could have done things differently. I know now that I was a loyal wife and friend. I know that I loved my h deeply and truly. I know now that I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. I know now that if I knew better, I would have done better. I know now that this is a journey he was meant to go on and so was I. I know now that I am a good person, a loyal friend, a good mother.
I see the kind of person you are. While you should take ownership of the things in your marriage that were yours, please remember that you did not do anything with intent to hurt your h or your marriage and did the best you could at the time.
You will be ok, my friend. You have grown so much. You are a special lady. So, hold your memories close to your heart and keep moving forward on your journey.
