Trust... How do I learn to do it again?

[Sad_but_happy]

Wife had an EA from August-October. After she revealed the A she said she wanted to leave, that we were not "a couple", that she didn't love me, etc.

As far as I can tell she ended it in October when I told her to end it or the marriage is over.

We started ML again in January after my 180, that continue to this day. We again say I love you, discuss future dreams, etc.

All that said, I have a problem trusting again. I'm not sure that this marriage will survive. I'm not sure I can talk to W about this right now for fear it will push her away. Maybe push her back to OM.

Any advice on how to deal with this?

[Sad_but_happy]

Let me add that every interaction is positive. That I kiss and hug her all the time, that we ML 2/3 times per week, that we spoon every night, that we do things as a couple all the time.

My issue is she was sneaking/lying for two months while seeing/talking/emailing OM.

Something sacred was list In the lying. It's not the OM anymore. It's the fact that she lied. Really not sure I can get past it.

Don't know how to approach W about it. It's almost like we both want to forget it ever happened and move on but this is really killing me.

[Harrier]

This is a question I struggle with too. How do you re-build trust? Well, it's not going to comeback right away, but I think it's probably a lot like how you built trust in the first place. One thing that comes to mind in consistency.

I think the first thing to do is recognizes your role in why she sought the OM. By addressing that you'll greatly decrease the likelihood that she will do that again.

But you have to make a decisions and yes I believe it is a conscious to forgive her, move past what happened and in time the trust will build back up. But you have to make that choice.

Do you have an IC? I talk to mine about it and he said you have to work through it and there is a process.

There are ways to assist rebuilding the trust. Unless your W is a complete moron, she knows what she did damaged your trust and was betrayal. I'm certain she wants you to trust her again. Just like she wants to trust that he changes you made aren't just to win her back. You can't harp on it nor can you attack her when you bring it up.

I also think you need to be honest with yourself. It was more than lying. Heck, I bet your W lies to all the time about small things and you don't light into her. What she did lie about matters, you know that.

If you aren't in MC, this may be a good reason to start. Sometimes working with a neutral third party can help.

I do not think pretending nothing happened and moving on is wise.

[Sad_but_happy]

Glad you chimed in Harrier. This [censored]! We are in MC and have been for some time. Our next appt is at the end of the month and I will need to bring it up. I will not attack W but I will let her know what I need to not feel anxious. I am also in IC but have not been consistent.

She was so good to me V--Day. Bought something sexy with high heels. Very good night.

You would think the attn would be enough but it's not. I pray she will respond favorably to my needs with regard to trusting her again.


All advice welcome from anyone. Especially those that have been where I am.

[sandi2]

Remember when you couldn't get your mind off having sex? That was your largest complaint. Now you are having sex 2-3 times a week! With that need filled, now you are having trust issues.

This is a problem that only you can resolve. She can try to reassure you, but IMHO....the more she has to reassure the more likely she will not see you being a strong, confident man. Tall order....trusting one who has betrayed you. Trust is like forgiveness.....or even love, it is a decision. You have to find this within yourself and don't continue to expect your W do something or say something to cause you to trust.

((hugs))

[Kemper]

Even though your response wasn't directly to me I wanted to say thanks for the great advice Sandi. I can see how asking for constant reassurance comes across as needy and goes against appearing strong and confident.

Cheers

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks Sandi, you hit the nail on the head. I am afraid she will see me as needy and not confident. Very difficult position to be in. I have not asked for reassurance at all as I am considering her actions as my reassurance.

I love what you said about trust being a choice. But we always choose to trust before trust is broken. Then what? What happens when it is broken?

I want to be free of this insecurity and I wonder if I ever will be. Or will I need to leave my W to have it again?

I guess I need to trust her and give her one more chance. Or I will be in this prison forever.

[Harrier]

I disagree SBH,

You still have to make a decision to trust after it has been broken too. You make an ongoing decision to keep trusting.

You can't isolate your W so she has no contact with the outside world.

Even if you leave your W, you won't have it again because at some point it will arise with your new SO because you didn't resolve it.

[Sad_but_happy]

You're right Harrier. I guess it's the decision to trust that is easier to make before trust is broken. Deciding to trust AFTER trust is broken... Now that's difficult...

I'm really trying though...

Hoping it gets easier with time...

[Sad_but_happy]

So my W called me two times this agmfternoin just to say hi. She is always happy when she calls now. Always in such a great mood. When I asked "should I let you go so you can get back to work", she stated, "no, I can still talk."

Who is this girl? She is the fun woman that I have been asking for for the past 15 years. Much less uptight. She stated that she's looking forward to just hanging out together and drinking wine (I have been out of town for two days). Then she talked about all the places we will be going together in the Summer.

I'm thinking Sandi is right. Just roll with it, work on my own insecurities, and deal with emotions in MC.

I think now I'm on my own personal roller coaster. W is not creating any mixed feelings or giving me any reason to question our future.

Right now it's all in my head! I hope I can make it stop soon. I am looking forward to tonight!