Thanks Denver. The reality is...we are getting along fine. We aren't fighting or arguing. We are maintaining all of our "responsibilities" the same as always - in a healthy way.
Yes we've had nights of R talk after the kids goto bed, that has gone well and gone bad at times.
I also know that it's no longer about me, and that I'm not going to "change" my W's mind. I'm not even trying to do that, all I've been attempting is show her who I can be. In the end if she still doesn't want that, then so be it.
I believe, just based on what I've seen - that she will come around. It's not going to happen quickly, but if she'd even "let me in" slightly I think she'd realize that WE'LL get through this...
I'm not moving out - no chance. I could probably afford it, because I'd probably just advance my plan to move into my buddies place. I'm worried about the message that would send everyone in my life, and how it might effect any sort of custofy/financial considerations should they come up. I just don't know how I would sell "I'm moving out" as positive - other than I would be away from her.
I do agree that DB'ing would be easier, but then I be walking away from my kids, when I know I have at least another 6 months were I am going to get to see them every day.
My W is leaving in 10 days to go away for a week, and I think it will be good for both of us. Don't get me wrong, she'll be on vacation so I'm not sure how much she'll "miss me" or feel the presure of the sitch.
I appreciate your feedback Denver, but I'm certainly not "Walking Away".
SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
I confirmed the "alibi" with her M. Not directly, but indirectly. Also, she was only gone for 2 hours - I struggle to think she was meeting up with someone. I guess it's possible, but it doesn't seem very logical.
Believe what you want... I am telling you the reality. I think you know deep down inside what that little voice is telling you. You most certainly thought the same thing or you wouldn't have needed to confirm it with her mother...
I know that my mother would cover for me anytime anyplace if I asked her to....
I think you are in denial.. This was not the ONLY red flag I have observed reading your situation.. Just the most OBVIOUS one...
Your choice to believe what you want. I want you to know that you are not doing yourself any favors by denying the obvious.
Yeah SIC, I understand your concerns about taking the initiative with physical separation.
The children make especially difficult. They want you there every day and for things to be normal. The one thing that I will say about this is that if you and W D or S in 6 months, 12 months or when ever, they ARE going to have to be subjected to this. And it will NOT be your fault. It is your W's fault.
I'd advise you to go talk to a lawyer about the consequences of you being the one to move out of the home. I'm an attorney, and I don't think that there will be any. But I also don't practice law in Canada.
Things sound VERY toxic in your home SIC. Even if you aren't fighting or arguing, and are maintaining all of your responsibilities. Children pick up on the smallest things, and you and your W's M is not a loving one... not right now. Not at all.
I am not advising you to 'walk away'. I'm advising you to give your W what she is asking for. Divorce? No. To be away from you? Yes.
Your W doesn't think that you are listening to her. And you aren't.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I confirmed the "alibi" with her M. Not directly, but indirectly. Also, she was only gone for 2 hours - I struggle to think she was meeting up with someone. I guess it's possible, but it doesn't seem very logical.
Believe what you want... I am telling you the reality. I think you know deep down inside what that little voice is telling you. You most certainly thought the same thing or you wouldn't have needed to confirm it with her mother...
I know that my mother would cover for me anytime anyplace if I asked her to....
I think you are in denial.. This was not the ONLY red flag I have observed reading your situation.. Just the most OBVIOUS one...
Your choice to believe what you want. I want you to know that you are not doing yourself any favors by denying the obvious.
Gucci, I promise you I do not think she is cheating in anyway. I really don't. My MIL lives with me, do you really think she would flat out lie to me that she was with my W on NYE if she wasn't??
I know what your saying, I realize that in a very high percentage of sitch's like mine the WAS is cheating.
So I'll ask again, how do I go about proving a negative? I told you there is nothing that I can think of in the last 4 weeks or so that would give me any possible idea that she is cheating.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Hey SIC. Sorry if you feel like you're getting beat up today. I'm certainly not meaning to do that. I'm just giving you my 2 cents based on my experience with my own situation.
You're a good guy and I know that you are doing everything that you can.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
If you don't believe that she is cheating then you move on with that knowledge. You are exactly right, there is no way to prove a negative.
You run your race, sweetie.
I agree with Denver that, in fact, things are toxic, though. I'm not saying that you are contributing to it. But your W has really has been angry. Ultimately, whether you stay or go is up to you. But you need to see the situation for what it is.
I know you are struggling and in pain. I'm so sorry for that. Even if you do separate, please know that it is not the end. In fact, it could be a new beginning. And if you don't separate, that's fine, too. But you really need to find a way to diffuse the angry. I really think that you've done quite a lot already. I don't know if its just time that will take care of the rest. But be mindful of what you are trying to accomplish and what you feel will get you to that end.
Thanks guys, no offense taken Denver. It's just such a struggle everyday, and I feel like I am doing my best. I still make mistakes, but obviously there is no perfect approach to all of this...
I just want to take the time I have to really fix myself, and I in turn hope that my W is able to see this and eventually come around. I love her, I fear I always will so I have no thought of giving up on me or giving on her.
I realize what you guys are saying, the sitch itself is toxic and I agree with that. I just was trying to say that the day-to-day is ok, and I think is still the best scenario for the kids. Also, like I said I'm being somewhat selfish in staying so I can be with my girls - because this isn't my choice!!
I'm going to keep battling...with myself. I want to be the person I should have been! FOR ME!!
SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Understand where you are in this race. This started in November, right? Well, it hasn't been that long. It may seem like an eternity to you. I know it does to me. But it hasn't been that long. It's going to take time for her to really believe those changes. She's already noticing as she has already made comments. But belief? That's going to take awhile.
Wanting to be with your girls is NOT selfish. We get plenty of opportunities to beat ourselves up. But in your case, that isn't a reason. You have worked hard on being a good dad and THAT'S A GOOD THING.
Like I said, you keep running your race. No one has to live with your pain, but you. So that means don't let anyone talk you into anything that you don't want to do or don't believe.
I have a 4 day weekend this weekend, and I was worried about the potential interaction with my W.
Things have been fine, really have only talked when necessary and the kids.
I also started feeling sick on my first day off, sore throat, chills, etc. Today I'm a little better, but still have a sore throat and my ears hurt.
W was having a family over for a interview today (she maybe watching their son part-time). After they left I just asked her what the propects were and if she was happy about it.
They are only looking for 1 day a week, which is fantastic for my W. She mentioned it was on Monday's which was good because she never works Monday's. She also said she will have to watch him to 5:30 or 6pm at night (which is late).
She then went onto say, "That won't be an issue as your not home on Monday's nights anyways since you have baseball."
I told her that even at the end of last season, I had told the team that I wasn't likely to play this year.
I just thought it was weird because I won't be playing ball for a few more months, and it hasn't been like my W to talk about US in the future tense. Not sure if it was a mistake, or general discussion that she doesn't believe makes any difference if we are together.
Anyways, W is off to work and I'm enjoying Hockey Day America.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Whole family went skating, and it was fun. After the girls wanted to go out for dinner instead of going home. So we agreed.
Were at dinner and all of a sudden I realise my W is not wearing her wedding band and her engagement ring. Didn't say anything, but I just devastated on the inside. Just starring at her hand...
Finally I just said, "I noticed you don't have your rings on today?"
She says, "Oh I took them off a while ago, I'm surprised you just noticed." I wanted to call BS but resisted.
She followed, "My hands have been really dry and sore, so I've been rubbing hand cream on them a lot so I took them off" all the while she has a big grin and half laugh in her.
Why does she enjoy inflicting pain?
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
