Best and worst thing that ever happened. I would hate to think how my M would be right now had it not happened. It would be so much worse than it is now even with the difficulties encountered during reconciliation.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
Me I don't know yet.I'm not willing to say it's so great. Because I look at my situation differently from a lot of people here.
I'd rather have NOT gone through it because prior to 2010 my marriage was pretty darn awesome. I'm not just saying this out of some willful ignorance. My wife has told me this numerous times.
It's funny about the 180 stuff. I did all that stuff before the D bomb. It kinda bugs me that many men here didn't do one lick of that stuff prior to the D bomb and suddenly they turn in to Mr. Mom. I cooked, I cleaned, I did my share of work with the kids. I felt my W and I were true partners in all respects. My W felt it too.
I know why and when things went to crap. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are many ways to arrive at this place.
As for the alone time issue. My W and I talk R quiet frequently. I'm sure more frequently than she likes, but she never says I don't want to talk about it. I think it serves a purpose for her. My W is at a place where she is wiling to do the work and it's still tough. I never feel as if my wife has one foot out the door. My main issue is to try to figure out what kind of marriage we will have.
I think that allows me to take more chances with R talk or bringing up my needs.
What helped me was that for the first 6 weeks after the bomb, I gave her tons of space. I still give her space and still need to do more.
Bolt - I think you got it backwards When you are happy, the more likely your W will be happy.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
You know what's really pissing me off right now? It's the fact that I'm doing all the chasing. I'm really getting to a place where Yes, I'd like this to work out very very much, but only if it's an equal effort with equal commitment and equal desire to see it work.
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
Just got another TM from W. How dumb can I be? I already knew that when I backed off, she moved in. I knew it, I saw it before, it worked before, but did I do it? Nooooooo. Now it's working again. Say it with me. "I will not screw it up again. I will not screw it up again. I will not screw it up again."
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
Yes, I'd like this to work out very very much, but only if it's an equal effort with equal commitment and equal desire to see it work
Of course any other way is not healthy.
Is she slowly getting there X?
Don't look ahead, look back, measure over time a few weeks a few months? Better? More from her, even a little? Is she slowly doing more of the things you want?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
The text wasn't much, just "hey want to have dinner @ _____, ily?" But that's twice today that she reached out to me instead of me to her. I know the content isn't much, but it's a shift over the last couple of days.
I think she is getting there when I smooth out the peaks and valleys of day to day and look at the "averages" of the last weeks. That's the hard part, I look at the peaks and valleys. Kinda like the stock market. One day could be great; one days should be crappy, but none that matters really. What matters is the trend over time -- is it up or down? Got to be better about that.
M: 39 W: 37 Married: 9 D5; S3 "It's Over" 09/26/10 11 Day Sep 10/10 Piecing Starts 11/4/10 Piecing Fails 4/11 I move out 5/11 Hire Lawyer 6/11 - Stall 6/22/11 Piecing #2 - 6/22/11 Home 10/11
It is easy to be patient when you don't have a choice...like them not talking to you.
It is hard to be patient when all you want to do is grab their hand and make everything 'better'.
Like it is some magical destination. This 'better'.
Getting to Better is a bithc of a path, and will cut your feet up if you aren't careful, and spit you out if you are stupid. And Better should always be the place you are trying to reach, even when you think you're there, the path is easier but still be wary.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
The text wasn't much, just "hey want to have dinner @ _____, ily?" But that's twice today that she reached out to me instead of me to her. I know the content isn't much, but it's a shift over the last couple of days.
I think she is getting there when I smooth out the peaks and valleys of day to day and look at the "averages" of the last weeks. That's the hard part, I look at the peaks and valleys. Kinda like the stock market. One day could be great; one days should be crappy, but none that matters really. What matters is the trend over time -- is it up or down? Got to be better about that.
but also the frequency of the valleys. Have there been less of them or further apart?
I see my valleys too but focus on the peaks and hope there are more of them.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
When you are happy, the more likely your W will be happy.