Listen, I know what you are going through. When this all started with my H, I could go maybe 6 days before I would try to do a R checkup. It ALWAYS ended in disaster. I would say, "but I can't help it." Until someone told me that I COULD and that I needed to do better.
You need to STOP all R talk. That's it. You need to resolve you are not going to bring it up again. THAT'S IT.
I understand that your heart is broken and that you are scared. You need to make some friends. You need to get involved with other people's situations on this board. You will learn and I bet you have some insight to offer to people. You'll find that other people's successes will help you and they will often lift your own spirits.
What other things do you think you need to work on? What 180's have you done? What more have you planned?