It just seems to never stop. Roller coaster every day, W just informed me she was out looking at townhouses yesterday, and wants me to remove her from my cell phone plan, so she can get her own. Do I look at this as I fought the good fight and give up now? I STILL do not want to give up on my family, but she seems to want to "bomb" me with something new every other day.. Up and down... really painful..
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Really having trouble with the whole "going dark" thing. I find it is almost impossible with kids, and still living in the same house. Dinner has been on the table when I walk through the door every single night she she told me she wants a divorce, has it set up so that the "family" eats dinner together more consistently than ever. Is she doing this out of guilt? maybe? She is the one wanting to leave, so, is she having second thoughts already? I am doing as much as I can for going dark, we used to talk 4 or 5 times a day on the phone, now I have just stopped calling her. How do I go dark when we still live together? Anyone else, have to try to go dark while living under the same roof? Do I just let her move out and forward and then go dark and see if she comes back?
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Anybody have any words of wisdom on my sitch? Really struggling today to figure this out.. Thanks.
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
You can't really go dark in the same house. All you can do is give her as much space as humanly possible and have the best smile you can possibly muster up and be the light in your home right now.
You are trying to prevent her from leaving, yes? Then you better do a lot of soul searching, fix what needs fixing and make your home a haven for your W. Meaning, no arguments, no R talk if you can help it, no dirty looks, no snide remarks, be there for the children and just SHINE!
I would worry about going dark, IF she moves out. It is definitely possible she has changed her mind already. I do not know as I am not there. But it has happened.
Thanks for the feedback, MC has told me the same thing, I have been smiling, taking care of kids, etc... for a long time now, it is the R talk, that I need to stop completely, as every time I bring anything up, is when she goes into what she id doing to get out.. It seems as if I don't say anything at all, it doesn't come up too often. I will just keep doing what I am doing as long as I can.
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Listen, I know what you are going through. When this all started with my H, I could go maybe 6 days before I would try to do a R checkup. It ALWAYS ended in disaster. I would say, "but I can't help it." Until someone told me that I COULD and that I needed to do better.
You need to STOP all R talk. That's it. You need to resolve you are not going to bring it up again. THAT'S IT.
I understand that your heart is broken and that you are scared. You need to make some friends. You need to get involved with other people's situations on this board. You will learn and I bet you have some insight to offer to people. You'll find that other people's successes will help you and they will often lift your own spirits.
What other things do you think you need to work on? What 180's have you done? What more have you planned?
Alot of my 180's revolve around going dark, just because of our sitch. My wife is self employed (works out of the house about half of the week), and I would go home every day for lunch (I only work 3 miles from my house). First thing I am doing, is as soon as I know she is there.. I simply don't go there at all, I am meeting up with old friends for lunch, going out by myself, anything, not to go to the house when she is there. We also used to talk on the phone at least 5 times a day (either one of would initiate the calls), now I try not to call her at all, unless it is children related and can't wait. But, now she seems like she is in a bad mood when I get home and I haven't talked to her all day?? When I have to call her, she seems excited to talk to me, I am thinking (hoping) she is really starting to feel the loss of my friendship and always being there for her. I have been trying to keep everything on the "less personal" if I do have to contact her, like send a text message, but it seems whenever I do, she just picks up the phone and calls anyway (most of the time). I am trying to be level and not ride her roller coaster with her, but, at times it is all that I think this is. I just keep trying to do the right thing, and not be invasive, but be there for her when she needs me... Is this the wrong thing? Am I making it easy for her to be friends and no longer husband and wife???
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
No, what you are doing is not wrong at all. It's not necessarily a 180 either. Meaning you are following DB advice very well but detaching is a little different than doing a 180.
Let me ask a different question. What were her complaints about you and the marriage?
If you look back through my sitch, i was very absent, and when I was around, nasty, sometimes verbally abusive. However, when she walked out in 2009, I spent months working on myself, and I have not gone back to being that person. This round all started when I lost my temper at a party where she disappeared with a "friend" of mine (male, who had betrayed me before) for 30 minutes or so, and I completely lost my cool with both of them, very wrong, but, nonetheless it happened. 15 minutes of my "outburst" over something that I perceived to be very real (she had an A in March 2009), should unravel everything we pieced back together for the better part of a year.. Am I being unrealistic ?
Me-43,W-41 Married 18 years Together 20 years S12, S13 Wife EA - 3-2009 Reconciled WAW-9-2009 Reconciled again 2-2010 Bomb- 12/30/2010 Asked for a Divorce 2-8-2011 BITS
Nope, but you scared her. And, unfortunately, the bond between the two of you was not strong enough to hold you both together when she got scared. You may have felt it was strong, but from her side, she was still healing.
Ugh!!! I wish I had the magic answer for you because I do see that you worked hard on yourself. You already know the speech that this isn't the end. You already have been through reconciliation.
Unfortunately, you need some time. What are your interactions with your W like now?? I mean what is her disposition when talking to you?
