The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Just more venting....
My daughter last night wanted me to talk to her mother. The issue is that both of us has promised she will have a car to drive when ready. I have one for her - it's the one I previously wrecked and am repairing. I tried to tell her I was not going to talk to her mother about it, but that if her mom wanted to say something about she could. I explained that her mom doesn't want to talk to me and I really don't want to talk to her either, but that I would if needed. At this point I don't see the need. I hate being in that position though. It grates on my nerves.
I realize I'm raw and I realize why - I have to talk to the lawyer again today to see just how we'll finalize the sep agreement. It's almost done.

What grates on me is that the ex has, from my perspective, destroyed my family, acted like a monster, and blamed me and yet, it's still not over. More to go. My guess is that there will always be "something" that comes up, and that I'll be a little raw until the divorce is final. Hence the venting.

Been frustrating to go through this. I know there wasn't anything I did to deserve this. That's taken a while to get to while searching for my part in this. I know that she sabotaged my relationships with the kids during the last years together and so it's better that she's gone. I just didn't see that at the time in those terms. I knew something wasn't right, but didn't see what it was until much later. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to blame her. I'm trying to be realistic. I think I am. I don't hate her. I'm annoyed by her and deeply distrust her. I have lots of reasons to distrust her and it's much healthier for me to do that until proven otherwise. If proven otherwise. I am not a masochist

I received an email from her mom last night. Her mom needs serious help. I've been told that many times, but it is becoming more apparent. I'm concerned she may have some early alzheimer's symtpoms. Not that she is terribly forgetful, but...odd. I know she is a control freak and not terribly happy wiht her daughter's choices, but some of the emails are just odd. Starting to wonder....and I hope I'm wrong and just taking something out against her in that regard.

Enough venting. Time to get back to work. I'll talk to the lawyer later today and hopefully finalize the offer/agreement etc and can move on in peace.

Life is good. Don't get me wrong. Just annoyed at the battle raging even after all this time. Her rage (yes, it was absolute rage - aimed at me in many ways) still seems to continue in subtle and hidden ways. I don't understand it and realize I never will. Knowing that brings peace and sometimes helps with compassion - I'd hate to have to carry that even compared to what I am still trying to not carry. I still have anger but mostly due to hurt. Most of the time I don't even think about it, but I think while we get to the end of the agreement phase, I'm having to see it in my face and possibly revisiting some of it due to that. That's ok too in my opinion. I want it all gone. Even though I can see it will be a while longer....

Peace