Thank you, HB. It's always so good to read your comments. Thank you for spending time here when you wouldn't need to.
My mother was transported to the ER yesterday morning with respiratory failure. I met her there soon after her arrival. Stressful, as one sister and I have POA, and that sister was home ill.
Mom was admitted - low oxygen, low blood pressure, starting pneumonia. Once I knew her diagnosis and my plans, I texted D, S, H (right or wrong, she's been a 'mother' to him for over 25 yrs), and family and friends. The only no responder was H - disappointed me, but not totally surprised. (He was emotionally unavailable for me when my dad struggled with cancer 19 years ago. He admitted to his sister several years ago that he had let me down big time, but he couldn't handle the death of my dad, whom he truly cared about and respected.) An older brother stayed with Mom during the afternoon, as I had to go back to work; I returned at 9, and stayed overnight w her.
At 10 pm, indications were that if bp didn't improve by midnight, they could just let her as she was (organs may begin to fail) or put her in ICU for other meds to increase bp. Tough decision. I consulted w a sister that lives 6 hours away. Mom chose DNR years ago, but into what category did this procedure fall? No matter how old your parents are, no matter how long you've expected this and tried to prepare yourself, the end is still very hard. But she is very tired, and has been waiting for heaven for so long.
At 11:45, her numbers started improving w/out needing the meds. Hard decision averted for the time being. Then a visitor walked in - my H! (H works 2nd shift, and was on his way home.) We visited about her condition. He told me he knew it was hard for me. After a 20 minute visit, he hugged me (both arms) and walked out the door. Don't worry, I'm not reading anything into this. I know the OW is still around, at least as an EA.
I had asked H earlier in the day if he worked Saturday, with no response. I asked him last night if he wanted to come out to the house Sat and discuss wedding plans. He acted as though there was no reason to. What a 180 from 4 days ago.
I asked D if she had told H he should visit the hospital. She said he'd asked about her day, she'd given an update on gma, and H asked for her room number.
Now on what will be a downside - he asked last weekend for the amount he needs to pay to help out with bills this month. I left that in his doorway last night on the way back to the hospital. It's a little higher than last month due to utilities and S book expense. I'm sure he won't be a happy camper over that, but it needed to be done.
I know an MLCer cycles as far as unpredictable behavior - does a "regular" WAS do the same?
D said that sometimes she just wants to ask H what his plans are. I told her that I feel okay just being in limbo now, that time is on my side. She knows about the OW and understands I'm waiting. I've told my close friends the same thing. I know they want me to move on and get over it, but I'm not shutting that door until I have to.
I have a large family, and only 2 sisters know about the S. When I told my out of town sister about H visit, she commented that I'm handling this so much better now, and better than she would have expected. I shared with her a quote from an AntoniaB posting: "there are people in your life all around you, including me, who will restore what he has taken from you. You feel now you have this huge whole in your heart and all this love "gone", and all this trust "gone", but we will all restore this for you AND THEN SOME, because we want to."
My mom commented last fall that she felt so useless, and wondered why God didn't just take her. I wish she could know how much she has helped me, by being a rock for me even during her dementia, broken hip, etc., over the last several months. I try to do evening devotions with her as she gets tucked into bed, then we sing and pray. There have been several nights when this lifted my spirits, and kept me away from an empty house a little longer. Not to mention what the devotions have said to me. She'll never know what she has provided for me, and someday I'll pay it forward in her honor.
I know this is long, but I'll probably be at the hospital again tonight after working late today.
