Piecing is almost harder than before...

[XYZ]

You know, maybe it's part of me trying to get rid of my expectations or maybe it just my mind going into self-preservation mode, or maybe it's me sub-consciously knowing that when I really detached before changes happened. I don't know, but at the moment I'm not really sure what I want any more.

Don't get me wrong, I completely know. I want a happy life and marriage with the wife that I remember. The wife that I love. The wife that I would take a bullet for. But that's not the women I'm living with now. She looks the same and sometimes acts the same, but generally speaking it's not the same her. I really don't know if she'll ever come back and if she doesn't I don't think I want to be with this person in her skin now. And that person doesn't want me anyway. Convenient.

I know that deadlines are wrong, so I won't have a real one, but I have set (to me, not to her) May 4th as a re-evaluation date (not a decision or a line in the sand, just a "I know I can make it to that date, date"). That's the 6 month anniversary of her asking me to move back home. Until then, I will keep working as hard as I can, albeit more detached and less (no) expectations or pressure. I don't know what will happen then and I'll be ok with either outcome. By then, we'll be so far into this process, if the real her isn't showing up more often, I don't think she ever will.

Today, I'm sad but in a weird way I feel good. I have a plan. I have been spending every waking moment of my life for 5 months trying to figure out how to make W feel better. No more. I can't make her do it. She has to decide if she wants to or not and if the answer is no, then that really stinks but it is what it is. Peace out.