Stuck Like "Crazy" Glue

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks guys, and I am trying to be the best ME that I can be. I know my W sees, it's just not what she wants right now and she resents the fact that I was the way I was for so long - and now that she's "done" I'm finally changing. I understand that and I appreciate that.

So last night I was planning to lay low. Stopped and got my hair cut on the way home, got home W had made dinner. We ate, and I cleaned up. I asked her if I could take the girls swimming and she said that it was fine she didn't have any plans.

Swimming was ok, D5 and D6 were arguing about which pool to go in and D2 fell on the pool deck twice because "I'm a big girl", she won't let me hold her hand.

Get home, W helps me get the girls to bed and then I go downstairs to watch the hockey game (trying to just leave her alone). Surprisingly she comes downstairs?!?

She then asks me if she can watch something instead of hockey (we have a TV upstairs, I'm surprised she came down), and of course I say sure. We are on seperate couches, and she's is really moppy, just flicking through the channels. (She had been acting very cold and depressed looking all night).

So I just nicely said, "Are you feeling ok, you don't seem yourself?"

She said, "Don't worry about it, it's not your problem." BAH.

I said, "Sure it is, you know I care and if your down I want to be here for you - so what's up."

She says, "I just hate my life, you know that appointment I said I had a the bank in order to get money out of my savings for the trip?" I said, "Yes" (I knew all along it wasn't just to get money out, you don't need an appointment to get money out!)

She said, "It's an appointment to see what kind of mortgage I can be approved for on my own - but I don't think I'm going to be approved for enough".

She is a waitress and thus her claimed income versus her actual is not very much. I just think it's really funny, because when all this first came she wasn't even thinking about that - wasn't concerned even though it's one of the first things I thought of. So I'm not really sure what she is going to do.

I'm assuming she can tell them the amount she is going to get for child support and they can factor that into it?? Not sure.

Anyways, at that point I just got up to go upstairs and she says, "What's wrong with you?"

I just said, "Nothing, I'm tired and want to get to bed" because nothing was wrong, I was tired and wanted to get to bed.

So I'm not sure if she is now feeling trapped, like she does "need" me at least financially if not emotionally and that's why she said, "I hate my life."

It will be interesting to see how she is acting on the night after she goes to the bank.

Another thing I realized too is that I think she is trying to "save" her mother in all of this too. Since her M and her M's BF live with us (they've been together for about 6 years), but neither of them are happy.

She is going fix herself by getting away from me and take her M with her and get her away from her BF. Not sure how much this plays a part.

I guess I just keep struggling with the fact that she doesn't think I am worth trying. All of effort is in trying get away from me - I just wish I knew what about me is so toxic. I mean she has some reasonable complaints, but they aren't "show stoppers"! They are things that can be addressed, heck I've already addressed some of them.

1. Too much time online - used to be online every night, now online when necessary or occassionally after everyone goes to bed. I've cut this down drastically.

2. Lazy and out of shape - I've lost 40lbs, gained muscle, looking better everyday. Help out with chores regularly without her asking - because I should.

3. My Mother - had initial talks with her about a month and half ago, my W also laid everything on the table. It's a work in progress.

4. Thoughtless and uncaring person - everyday I am trying to be more thoughtful, compassionate and caring. Mostly I am doing works with my children (ie. valentine's day, christmas stuff, birthday's) and with my W in trying to be thoughtful in everyday life.

5. Anger Management - this is likely something my W would say is an issue, but I don't even remember the last time I really got angry, maybe frustrated but not angry. Regardless it's something I'm aware of and trying to be a calmer person.

6. Not listening - trying to listen and validate more instead of interupting or interpreting her words differently.

7. Lack of quality time with W - this is something I look forward to working on because it really matters to me. When I get the chance now I want to make the most of it, but look forward to the chance to really show her how important I beleive time together is...

They are all things I need to continue to work on, but I believe in every case I'm much better than I was in the past.

SIC