Grr... This is what you should be working on for yourself... Your 180... For your M... or another R in the future... you will repeat these mistakes if you don't kill this part of you grr...
Don't just observe as your H D's you... work here... then you will be better off regardless of what happens with your M.
2x4 over.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You are 100% right. My nature is to defend my cause when being attacked. One of the factors that led to my M breakdown. Almost doomed me with comms with my W.
She is on one side of the door and you are on the other. She more you push the more pressure you encounter. Let go of the door and see what happens.
She will have no reason to continue to apply pressure. The more she attacks the less you should defend.
Yeah... I just wish I could fast forward 6 months to see where I'm at. Where we're all at lol
But I'm I know that we at least have the tools to move forward. I don't know who said it but it was exactly what I was thinking. It's not our group that will make up the divorced statistic for repeat marriages... it is the people who refuse to look in the mirror and understand how they are in this predicament.
Can someone tell me if I bought the right book? lol
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson?
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Good early morning BITS - well its 3:30 AM and I am up again pondering life and a few of its mysteries, which for the most of us include our sitch in either a D or S. I have now been S for 5 months and it is easily the hardest thing I have even been thru. I was reading this series of posts and wanted to share this with you all.
FIGHT OR FLIGHT - that's is what I am studying now in our church's Men's Skills Class - it really is a great class - 12 week program to figure out just how weird we all are and what we can and should be doing about it (men DO change ladies - I know - shocking !!!!!!). As I read the posts here is what came screaming thru to me
He (she) did this or that and I reacted like this or that, or I wanted to do this or that but I didn't (and am glad that I didn't) or I did (and I am sorry that I did), etc etc etc. We are all examining "cause and effect" here or put another way FIGHT OR FLIGHT - it is a natural response built into our brains. I am giving you a link to a Youtube presentation on what is called the Amygdala Hijack - and it explains it very well in my opinion. This Amygdala Hijack is something that I learned about in this week's Mens Skills class and it is really fascinating and in my opinion accurate. The Amygdala is a part of the brain that causes us to react to exterior stimulation and then results in us either fighting against it - or running from it. This is a "natural" instinct - its like this "what would we do if a tiger attacked us - would we fight it or run from it". In many instances our spouse is the "tiger" in our life and what they say or do in our life is that emotional stimuli - and how we react to that stimuli is called the Amygdala Hijack. At first I thought this was a bunch of hogwash - but the more I read about it the more I realized how valid this is because I had an Amygdala Hijack experience in my life this past week when the "tiger" attacked my emotions - and my reaction was to "fight" by falling back into old reactions - I failed and just did the "same old thing" when the "tiger" attacked my emotions - and they were fear based decisions - it was not my "rational" brain controlling me, it was my "reptilian brain" that was causing me to dear poorly with the fear of the attack by the "tiger". In this case the tiger was my wife and how she emotionally hurt me.
If you are interested in this, have a look at these links - they are quite excellent
that part of the brain that controls our Emotional Learning and our Emotional Intelligence (something that I sorely lack apparently) is something that we all have and we all react differently to that external "tiger attack". If we can learn more about what those "tiger attacks" are and how we react to them - we can then learn how to react DIFFERENTLY to them the next time they happen - and here is something we can all take to the bank - TIGER ATTACKS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. The question for us BITS is this, how do we react to them, do we FIGHT or FLIGHT.
The first Youtube video gives some very good suggestions as to what to do during a Tiger Attack, how to understand what is going on in your own Amygdala ( I never even knew the darn thing existed in my brain - but we all have one) and then how to actually prevent the reactions from the attack that we are seeking to change. CHANGE - CHANGE ??????? WHAT US CHANGE ??? - shocking thought I know.
More on this later - but if you are looking for some input as to what happens in your brain when your spouse does "this" or "that" - I recommend you have a read on this stuff.
M-58 W-56 Married 33 years BOMB -Sept/10 Separated 8 months
BITS (of Fruit) Firstlove
"Go Confidently in the direction of YOUR dreams - Live the life you've imagined" - Thoreau
The amygdalae, especially the basolateral nuclei, are involved in mediating the effects of emotional arousal on the strength of the memory for the event
this is what is happening when "our tiger" attacks us - how do you "mediate" and what is your reaction, and action, based on the strength of the memory for the event. In my case, if the fear takes over, I retreat into old destructive behaviors in order to medicate myself from the pain of that memory. For me, that medication comes in the form of inviting myself to a "pity party" and start to go over how selfish my spouse is and how WONDERFUL I am and that I don't deserve to live like "this" and then, depending upon the severity of the "tiger attack" I retreat to actions that I regret - or - I take actions that I am newly proud of - THIS for me, is the process of change. If we can recognize what is happening during the "tiger attack" and actually change how we process the "Fight or Flight" reactions in our brains, we can truly be on the path of changing our behaviors and how we are reacting to whatever our spouses are either doing - or not doing to either improve or destroy our marriages.
I know - I know - weird science - but I am finding this journey fascinating.
M-58 W-56 Married 33 years BOMB -Sept/10 Separated 8 months
BITS (of Fruit) Firstlove
"Go Confidently in the direction of YOUR dreams - Live the life you've imagined" - Thoreau
dear BITS - more on this hijacking our brains stuff
In Michele's book The Divorce Remedy, she recommends that we "read read read read" and become more informed on all of what is going on around us, and learning about the "whys" of how we think and react to what is going on in our sitch. Sometimes this is referred to as Emotional Intelligence (EI). So in keeping with Michele's suggestion for us all to become more informed, I am going to pick up a copy of the book "Emotional Intelligence" Here is a blurb on it that I found as I was reading more about this Amadasliyziea Hijacking thing.
Amygdala hijack From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Amygdala hijack is a term coined by Daniel Goleman in his 1996 book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.[1] Goleman uses the term to describe emotional responses from people which are out of measure with the actual threat because it has triggered a much more significant emotional threat.[2] [edit]Concept
The brain processes stimuli by having the thalamus direct sensory information to the neocortex (the "thinking brain"). The cortex then routes the signal to the amygdala (the "emotional brain") for the proper emotional reaction. The amygdala then triggers a flood of peptides and hormones to create emotion and action. Perceived potential threats, however, can disrupt this smooth flow; the thalamus bypasses the cortex and routes the signal directly to the amygdala, which is the trigger point for the primitive fight-or-flight response; when the amygdala feels threatened, it can react irrationally and destructively.[3] Goleman states that "Emotions make us pay attention right now - this is urgent - and give us an immediate action plan without having to think twice. The emotional component evolved very early: Do I eat it, or does it eat me?". The emotional response "can take over the rest of the brain in a millisecond if threatened".[4][5] An amygdala hijack exhibits three signs: strong emotional reaction, sudden onset, and post-episode realization that the reaction was inappropriate.[4]
Hope this might help some of you BITS in here, including me
M-58 W-56 Married 33 years BOMB -Sept/10 Separated 8 months
BITS (of Fruit) Firstlove
"Go Confidently in the direction of YOUR dreams - Live the life you've imagined" - Thoreau
Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
2, this is pretty profound. Gonna put that one is my DB collection of sayings.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Yeah... I just wish I could fast forward 6 months to see where I'm at. Where we're all at lol
But I'm I know that we at least have the tools to move forward. I don't know who said it but it was exactly what I was thinking. It's not our group that will make up the divorced statistic for repeat marriages... it is the people who refuse to look in the mirror and understand how they are in this predicament.
Can someone tell me if I bought the right book? lol
Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson?
LIS will have to weigh in on this, but WN , I think you did. I have to review this book and see if it's something I should get.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
I just must warn you, that DB is the best book for working towards the reconciliation. This book just helps us to understand why we feel the way we feel and the psychology on building the bridges back home.
If you really analyze it, I guess it also explains why Michele's 180's work. Basically, we are trying to trigger the opposite reaction in our spouses to the threat of their relationship. Instead of the flight reaction, we are trying to trigger the cling reaction.
