Thank you all for your opinions and advice. I have taken it all in.
If I'm honest I didn't think it mattered any more if what I wrote to H caused guilt or not. What he feels or doesn't feel is his choice. It wouldn't have been written with that intention. It wouldn't be written cruelly or to get him to change his mind or with any expectation of H really even hearing what I had to say. He only hears the beat of his own drum right now. He can't even hear the cries of his children and if he can't hear that, what chance would I have of getting through? It really would have been for me.
H hasn't heard me for years and it's apparent I didn't hear him either. It would have helped if he would have used words instead of expecting me to read his mind. I truly did think I was doing at least a good job of being a wife. There were very few complaints over the years. That is until BD where I got blasted for all of my shortcomings. I do know some of what H said was projection and what stung I worked on in myself, and continue to work on those things which I discovered I didn't like. It's a lifelong process...
I have decided to write the letter to H and add it to the folder of the many unsent letters I have written him through out this. I can see how I have evolved through this.
My marriage will end much like it has gone on for years, with many things that were either unsaid or unheard. Yes, I could have done better during my marriage and I own that and will never forget those lessons. My H is still holding on to the justification that he was taken for granted, this is what he said is his main reason for the divorce. He is right, he was at times. I own that and have apologized for it. It is his choice to not let go of it. I also know in my heart that he wasn't taken for granted as much as he wants to believe. I own that I did a poor job of showing him that in a language he could not understand. I spoke in mine, not in his.
The main thing I took for granted was that he'd be here. At the end of the day when all was said and done we'd still have each other. I did not foresee this and I should have...in hindsight the signs were there. I was too busy in my role to pay attention.
The one thing I believe is that it truly would not have mattered whether I was a perfect wife or a biotch on wheels to my H, this would have ended up happening anyway. I believe in MLC, not as an excuse to absolve me of guilt or to excuse H of his choices. I believe it because it is the only thing that makes any sense of the profound changes in the man I used to know, right down to what his core values were. I went seeking answers to what happened to him and believe I understand now.
I do not regret my journey and what I've learned on it. I will continue to embrace it while looking forward to what God has planned for me. I've let go of H and my wish for him is that he finds peace, love and the strength to look inside. I believe if he does this he will find the happiness he has been searching for, this will be his choice.
Thank you all again. In truth, I never believed how people could 'hook up' over the internet. Now I know. It was another lesson learned. When I say you all have been blessings in my life, they are not just words. It is the heart felt truth. Thank you to all who cared enough to pay forward the lessons you've learned and the knowledge you've gained to benefit others that are on this journey. You are truly a special group of people and I thank God I was led here.
And Grit, I hear you loud and clear...I understand and agree completely...Someday if and when the time is right, I'll know it, and I will be heard. If that time never comes, it is OK, my head and heart know what my truth is.
