I still want to make this work

[2stepboogie]

Country,

Listen man standing for your M and and detaching with love does not mean to lay down on the road and let the train run you over while you smile and thank the conductor.

Know what I mean?

GAL and make it about you.

As far as dating......

I have my own opinion on this.

[Denver_2010]

What is your opinion 2Step? Don't leave us hanging!

BITS
Denver

[2stepboogie]

This is something to consider very carefully. It really depends on you and where you are in the R/M.

I think that dating can work to your benefit for GAL but under the wrong enviroment it could hurt you more than help.

For you Denver, it would of prob been wrong.

For Country it might not.

It also depends on the purpose of dating.

Female company, nothing wrong with that.

Dating for the purpose of sleeping with someone then what is the difference between you and the S that left and is having an affair.

What have you learned?

What growth are you achieving?

[Denver_2010]

ugg... I'm torn here 2Step... I really am.

Part of me wants to agree with you 100%... the other part... I don't know. It seems that at least part of what we are doing here is to become better people. I don't see what is gained towards that end by dating... and certainly there is nothing to be gained towards the goal of saving the M.

I think that dating should be reserved for down the road... when you have figured out what you want for your life.

JMO though.

BITS
Denver

[2stepboogie]

I think you are over thinking it.

A few weeks ago I went to dinner with a female friend.

Had a great time.

At the end of the night she went home and went home.

We even talked about my sitch (she use to be a shrink)

In some circles that would be a date.

It wasn't

It was dinner it just so happened that the person was a female.

I think this is what country is getting at.

You don't lose yourself or the purpose of your journey because you decided to have dinner with someone of the opposite sex.

How is that different than going out to dinner with a male friend?

[Denver_2010]

That I agree with 2Step... I guess it depends on your definition and intentions.

But if you are going out with an intention to see what else is out there? I think that is a bad idea in our situations.

BITS
Denver

[2stepboogie]

That I agree with

[dixiegal]

Country,

So, I just read/caught up on your thread. I have to disagree w/"boys" on this one.

Dating or hanging w/a female of any kind is a bad idea. Listen, from a woman's point of view. If I'm out having a A or WAS or whatever. An your doing the whole DBing thing and I start wondering..maybe this is the wrong decision w/the OM. H is acting different.

Then I hear or find out that you are hanging w/your female friend or went out w/female. That's gonna be the end Country. Cause, now I know it was all a act. Now, I'm gonna really believe the lies I told myself about you. Now, I don't feel bad at all for my A. You see what I mean?

Also, you are not in the right mental health now to have the female friend. Your lonley, you miss your wife, feeling unloved, want to talk w/a female and want that connection. To me, your playing with fire. That's how A's get started....

I know it really s*cks right now, trust me I know. But, you need to go out and get the DB Book ASAP. Then you gotta go DARK, it's your only shot if she is involved in a full blown A. She has to be in a position to wonder what your doing, miss you, feel curious about the new you.

About the Wedding rings...my H took his off along time ago. It killed me. So, I took mine off...real stupid on my part. I just put mine back on in Dec. Here is why, who cares what he does or your wife does about the rings. You wear yours if you want. She can take them off, but it doesnt stop her from knowing she is married to you!

When you see her, you have to act happy and pleasant like your good these days. Even if your not...

You also got two of the best BITS helping ya out..my "boys" Denver and 2Step!

BITS

Dixie
"Life is Short, Pray Hard!"

[♪CS♪]

Thanks for all of the replies, they have really helped. It looks like my first step is going dark, night one is in the books. I did not contact her last night. I woke up this morning to a text asking how our D did last night, I will let it go. She will see her tonight.

I have our D Fri-Sun night, I know she will inquire more through that stretch. I will send a pic if necessary, but no text to go with it, sound OK?

BTW, I have read DR, and have re-read the sections that apply to me. I have also had one telephone session, I plan on having the second one early next week. I will also get her opinion on where to go next.

The dating thing seems to be a complicated issue, I think I'll put that on hold for now. I guess I was just looking for a way to help myself feel good about myself again. Maybe not the best way to do it.

Thanks again, keep it coming, this really helps!

[ninelives]

Hey Country:

Read your thread and if you are a teacher we live in a paralle universe as almost the exact thing is going on with me.

Going dark is the best way to go. My therapist told me that my w and im sure yours knows that you want her back and that gives her security. Cake eating whatever you want to call it.
When you go dark they start to wonder what is going on in your life and will you still be there when their affair fizzles. I love the analogy of the rope dropping, it makes so much sense.

When my wife feels me pulling away it bothers her, then she initiates contact and the poor me syndrome and that she doesnt know what she is doing and that she blew up her life etc.. Then cries her eyes out. Me , Im a sucker for the crying and the profess my undying love and tell her all will be forgiven and then she gets her strength back. The analogy my therapists makes is one to a well. Her well was empty when I was dark and then when she knows she has me again in the wings, I have filled up her well and she pushes away again and continues with her relationship with OM. Its not an affair anymore.

You gotta be strong and really go on with your life. The affair will probably fizzle out in time but thats when you have to make a decision. Will I still be there when she is ready to come back?

If the answer is yes, then you work on piecing, if the answere is no, then you are down the road to recovery.

All the best Country.