Piecing is almost harder than before...

[Bolt]

JTB - Question. Whenever my W and I have R talks, she tells me her feelings, I listen, I validate, sometimes I agree. On occasion, but not always, I try to tell her my perspective (only after I hear her's not while she's talking). Her response is usually something along the lines of: that makes me feel like you're justifying your actions or making excuses or similar. When she says that, I back off. This has lead to a situation where the "blame" is totally on me. She talks about my actions, I validate and we don't ever get into the details of my perspective. If you were to ask her, she would most likely tell you that I am 99% of the cause of our problems. I'll own half or more, but not all.

I'm not sure how/what to do about this. So far, I've just let it go (more eggshell walking), but when she says things that I patently disagree with it seems counter to long term health to just suck it up.

wow wow WOW are we married to the same woman?
Dead on, XYZ. I'm in the exact same spot. I validate like a madman and agree - because I actually do...

BUT I don't own 100% of the problem.

It's also funny because when I do stand up to her now, I get, "Same old Bolt."

That's so funny to me, really. Because old Bolt wouldn't stand to be talked to like this. He would be angry and very defensive. I'd like to think that new bolt is compassionate but also has beliefs still...

Dude, we have to keep each other posted along the way.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Same old Jack

No, same old Jack wouldn't give a shite, I'm here now talking to you, communicating its two way talk and listen, we don't learn this and we might as well give up now.

Just an idea.

[Bolt]

almost exactly what I said and got a hushed response to it.
I think it actually hit the mark.

Honestly, I don't even want to bring up old Bolt anymore - not even in conversations with her.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Then don't. Now just prove it to her.

[XYZ]

You know, maybe it's part of me trying to get rid of my expectations or maybe it just my mind going into self-preservation mode, or maybe it's me sub-consciously knowing that when I really detached before changes happened. I don't know, but at the moment I'm not really sure what I want any more.

Don't get me wrong, I completely know. I want a happy life and marriage with the wife that I remember. The wife that I love. The wife that I would take a bullet for. But that's not the women I'm living with now. She looks the same and sometimes acts the same, but generally speaking it's not the same her. I really don't know if she'll ever come back and if she doesn't I don't think I want to be with this person in her skin now. And that person doesn't want me anyway. Convenient.

I know that deadlines are wrong, so I won't have a real one, but I have set (to me, not to her) May 4th as a re-evaluation date (not a decision or a line in the sand, just a "I know I can make it to that date, date"). That's the 6 month anniversary of her asking me to move back home. Until then, I will keep working as hard as I can, albeit more detached and less (no) expectations or pressure. I don't know what will happen then and I'll be ok with either outcome. By then, we'll be so far into this process, if the real her isn't showing up more often, I don't think she ever will.

Today, I'm sad but in a weird way I feel good. I have a plan. I have been spending every waking moment of my life for 5 months trying to figure out how to make W feel better. No more. I can't make her do it. She has to decide if she wants to or not and if the answer is no, then that really stinks but it is what it is. Peace out.

[Harrier]

I have a plan. I have been spending every waking moment of my life for 5 months trying to figure out how to make W feel better. No more. I can't make her do it. She has to decide if she wants to or not and if the answer is no, then that really stinks but it is what it is. Peace out.

That is your problem. You can't make W feel better. You can't.

I was talking about this with my IC yesterday. He basically gave me the old adage "Only you can make yourself happy."

I think you, Bolt and I have been torturing ourselves by focusing so much on what we are missing instead of what we have. Focusing on how are wives can "make" us feel better, instead of taking that responsibility ourselves. Always looking to the next thing instead of focusing on the present.

I have a 2X4 for you. The marriage and wife you had are GONE FOR GOOD. Before 2010, I had a great, great marriage and my W would've agreed. But you can only mourn what you had for so long. You are building a new marriage and hopefully a better strong marriage.

Also your W has changed. We all changed. We don't move through life in a state of consistency. Are you the same person you are when you got married? Of course not.
Now perhaps she not the person you want now. But have to remember that both of your lives went through a major upheaval. That will affect a person.

Now if you both decide you want to work on a better M, then you have to decide if you can do it with the new W your W is and she has to make that same choice.

Look, I know it's tough especially when there is so much uncertainty. Piecing is tougher than DBing. But the rewards can be great.

I hope you do find some peace and things do workout.

In my situation, my W and I were talking. Now she is in a much different place than your W. She is working really hard. She alludes all the time that she does love me and cares for me. She is positive and does think we can get back to a happy M.
But the other night she said "who knows what will happen with our marriage." That kinda bugged me because she hadn't said that in a long time and all her other statements about our M were positive. It kinda showed me that the road is long indeed.

[Bolt]

In my situation, my W and I were talking. Now she is in a much different place than your W. She is working really hard. She alludes all the time that she does love me and cares for me. She is positive and does think we can get back to a happy M.
But the other night she said "who knows what will happen with our marriage." That kinda bugged me because she hadn't said that in a long time and all her other statements about our M were positive. It kinda showed me that the road is long indeed.

Yeah, it's that last part that gets me too. "I'm not sure it will work out." Well, I'm not sure I won't get ran over by a truck when I walk across the street but I'm not going to PLAN for it.

I'm seeing a pattern for piecing.

Once you get the W to stop talking D, you still have to give them space because they're not necessarily talking about the R either. They want to make it work but aren't sure what to do and aren't sure if it will work.

We as the spouse, has to give them space to figure it out before we can move forward. Who knows how long that will take? That's the part that is the hardest for us. Some days we feel that they are close to talking but then others it seems they're one foot out the door.

I think once they get to that place of talking and actually WILLING to do the work, that's where things can get good. BUT it is also where our expectations need to stay away also. Keep working forward but not looking back.

After that, I'm not sure...I'm nowhere close to that yet. BUT I do feel that knowing is more than half the battle. I now see (hopefully) that if I'm patient and let my W figure things on her own (not from my controlling) she will want to work on things.


The HARD part is working on myself on the mean time. I think once we come to terms with the fact we can't change the S but can change ourselves, it works better.

I'm trying to make myself happy but it is hard when the W isn't happy. When she's happy, it does make me happy. That in turn allows me to find things that make me happy as well...

(that may be wrong but that's where I'm coming from...)

[XYZ]

Once you get the W to stop talking D, you still have to give them space because they're not necessarily talking about the R either. They want to make it work but aren't sure what to do and aren't sure if it will work.

That's key...I know that I thought that "stop talking D" = "fix R". Not true. We're in that middle zone. W is NOT talking, D. That's great. I have not given her the space to "fix R". When she was talking D, I gave her space. She stopped talking D. Same thing needs to happen now...

Side note. I'm backing off. So what happens? W sends me a text message: "how's your day going? ILY". Nice back and forth that ends with her saying "ILY2". I don't initiate, she does. I lean out, she leans in. Note to self, don't rush back in and push her out (again).

[Bolt]

EXACTLY!!!!

Weird how it happens but it does CONSISTENTLY!

We LBS just have to get it through our thick heads

[XYZ]

Anybody ever think that one day (not today, but one day!) you'll realize that this was the best thing that ever happened to you?

For example, this is my second marriage. I got married at 21 to my high-school girlfriend. Big mistake. When we divorced 8 years later, I thought my world had ended, but that enabled me to meet my current wife which is the love of my life. I really think that this "test" will enable us to look back in 50 years on a really great marriage. Steel has to be melted down in order to become strong. That's my decision on how to look at this.