I still want to make this work

[Denver_2010]

Can you explain more on going dark? Do I respond when she sends me a pick of our D for example? Just don't initiate any contact? What I have been doing is playing the 'friend' card. Initiating some light conversation, but not a whole lot, guess I should stop that completely? What should be my tone when we do have contact?

Going dark means absolutely NO contact. You can find posts on here that describe it differently, or even shades of dark. But really it simply means that you have no contact whatsoever.

Would you respond to her sending a pic of your D? Nope. You get to see your D regularly and can take your own pictures.

Is the 'friend' card paying dividends for you? If it IS, I don't want to discourage it. But she is having an active A, right? And YOU think that she might actually love OM?

Listen, this is JMO... but you might be in a situation where you really need to consider 'dropping the rope'... This is the best definition of this that I have seen:

"Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?

She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?

She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope."

The A makes a really tough situation a lot tougher. Your job, if you want to save your M, is to ride the A out. I've read here that most A's fizzle within 6 months. Of course that is no guarantee.

Right now though, your W has her A... and has you as a 'friend'. My advice is to 'drop the rope'... and go COMPLETELY DARK. Give this 4 weeks. Then reassess.

DO NOT tell your W that you are going dark. Just do it. Your actions will communicate to her what is happening. Words are not needed.

I will tell you from experience, it worked for me. My W was 'done' with our M. She was emotionally divorced from it. She was moving on with her life. At the beginning of December, I went dark for about 3-4 weeks. W began initiating contact... and then that contact became more friendly... By the beginning of this month, she's telling me that she's reconsidering our M. My W's A seems to be fizzling out and she and I are talking about reconciliation. Again, no guarantees.

I know that your W is not showing you anger right now, but she has negative emotions towards you. Trust me. And she is feeling butterflies from this A. The dark period will hopefully cause her to begin to wonder what you are doing, begin to think about you, the positive memories, etc. That's what we're hoping for here.

While you are dark and dropping the rope... you GAL and work on detaching with love.

Remember, your W is going through something here herself. No doubt that she questions her happiness in life and what path will best lead her to it. If you can understand that pain, and still love your W, then you can get through this and still have a chance to save your M.

BITS
Denver