Beatrice, My xh apologized to me for all of the crazy stuff he put me through up to the mlc. He's never apologized for that crazy-making behavior.
SA, write the letter, beat the heck out of a pillow.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
