To give you an example: My W called me up and told me that she's filed for the divorce on the same day that my grandfather died. She told me right after i told her the news of his death. Yes for 2 days i could not believe and could not forget that she did not even care for a dead person. Oddly though right now it is not a problem for me. I dont mind what she did that day. I just want her back. I know that your situation is more delicate than mine and i can understand what you are feeling.
Also man, I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I couldn't even imagine being hit with that kind of news on the same day. One side of you asks how and why. Then you unconditional love for kicks in and only wants her back in your life. I understand where you are coming form.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Oh man. Where do I start today? I thought couples therapy was bad last week with the discovery of the emails that I read and the hurt of me telling my parents first. This one was a step above.
We actually started with some co-parenting topics that went very smoothly. My W and I are on the same page as far as 50/50 and have been doing quite well at it. We then jumped into the fire of the conversation.
I had a prepared apology based on some of the thoughts of my therapist, Figg, and Cat. No blaming. Honest. Direct. Sincere. I apologized for both the parents piece as well as the emails.
My W had also some prepared words. She warned that they were not as nice. She pretty much told me that the mistrust of the emails is as painful to her as the affair might be to me. She said that this is something she will never get over. She mentioned that her mother had once read through her journal (maybe this is how mother discovered the issue with the school counselor when she was 17), and that she has never forgiven her mother. That is why privacy is such a huge issue with her. I did not put up any guards. I listened and validated my W's feelings the entire time. She said that she felt that this trust is not repairable.
She did not ask if I had a copy of them. she assumed that I had a couple. That my parents had a copy. That my parents had read them. She told me that no matter how we agreed that the couples therapy room was a place of honesty, she would not believe or trust me regardless of my answer. She just wanted me to know how much damage could be done with them and to understand the hurt they could cause.
I then explained to my wife that I did have one copy that was hidden in a safe place. Explained that they were there just in case things got very messy, they are the only proof that I have that adultery took place. Told her I would be happy to burn them if we reconciled. She told me that she didn't want them over her head for the rest of this process (Figg - you were right here). She mentioned again the pain they could cause. She mentioned that, yes, the proof in those emails of a lesbian affair is enough to gain full custody of our son in the county we live in. Her therapist has provided examples of recent cases. Our couples therapist also agreed. Told my wife that in the worst case, we agreed on 50/50 custody and a mediated divorce. I just wanted to protect myself in case she changed her mind at the last minute as the horror stories I have heard.
Couples therapist said that these emails will be a pretty big wedge in the rebuilding process. She mentioned that we get some kind of notarized document stating that there was an affair and we have agreed to 50/50 custody and a fair and mediated split of assets. Then destroy the emails. I agreed to this with my wife. I told her that if the emails are going to provide any resistance to my efforts to save our marriage, I will give them to her tonight. She said that it would not make a difference right now, because I don trust that you have multiple copies. I promised her that the only copy will be destroyed as long as we agree on the mediation in worst case scenario.
After all of this, our time was coming to end. I am nearly in tears. My wife says that she has one more thing to bring up. She mentioned that she was overstaying her welcome at her brother's place. She has talked to her father about this. She said her option would be to find some kind of woman's shelter or a very cheap apartment to live in. Her father agreed to help her with the cost but wanted to remind her that he did not condone how she got here. I agreed that as hard as it was to have my wife find her own place, I would be patient and give her the space she needs. She promised that it would be close to us, that I would continue to have as much access to our son as possible, etc. Nothing will change there. It is just a bitter pill to swallow, as I see that as the next step further away.
I am dying inside and trying to keep my composure, but much of the end of therapy and the ride home was me slowly sobbing and holding back tears. I hated feeling so weak, when I am trying to show my wife that I am strong and confident right now.
Somebody please tell me that I still have a chance here. Anybody?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
It seems like your wife is talking openly and honestly and is talking with you at couples therapy?
I think you have a good chance, as long as you live up to what you say you're going to do, and are listening to her concerns and the therapist.
Thanks, Jack. I really hope that what she says is open and honest in therapy. I am trying to be an open book. All I want is honesty. It seems like last night she wasn't going to believe any response I was going to give her, regardless of the safe place we established. The therapist even mentioned that I had given her some serious information last week due to the fact of this agreement.
I appreciate you telling me that I have a good chance. I know that it is going to take hard work. The hardest I have ever worked. I am up for it. I cannot control her actions or decisions. I can only hope that she will come around and want to fight this out with me instead of against or alongside me.
I will continue to be honest, live up to my words, and bean active listener.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Wife is here right now trying on clothes for an interview tomorrow. She is not in a good mood at all. I am guessing it is due to her parents. They have been really hard on her and do not want her to take the job that is being offered her. It does not pay much money, and her parents are worried that it will not be enough should she decide to move out.
We talked about it last night in therapy. It is a position in the same school district where she worked with OW. They would have the same hours and work near each other. We validated as a concern of mine, but in the end I supported her, since this kind of work is always what has made her the happiest.
I am wanting to give my wife the copy of the emails that I have today. I am not sure if she would take them or not. I want to take the wedge between us away. I cannot help that she feels distrust right now. I cannot help that she feels like there are multiple copies everywhere. I can only provide them to her to do what I can.
Would this be bad timing with her already upset to bring this up? Would this be good timing knowing that I am giving them to her asap? Thoughts?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
if she's in bad mood, i would not do anything that might make it worse. Giving the emails now will not make her happy. The first thing that might go through her mind is that fact that you had the copies. I'd wait until things have cooled a bit.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
After she took a nap, she seemed in a little better spirits. For me, I felt it was important to get rid of them as soon as possible. It was almost as if I had this skunk running around the house, and I just wanted it out.
As my wife was leaving, I showed her where I had hid the emails in the garage (ironically the same place I hid her wedding ring before purposing). I told her that I wanted her to have these and do with them whatever she fits. She can trash them, shred them, burn them. It was up to her. I just did not want them in my possesion. I told her that I know this will not bring back the trust, but it is the first step I can take to help. She told me that she still doesn't believe there are other copies. I again assured her that there weren't, and she left.
I sent her a text using our therapist words stating that these emails were only creating a wedge in our relationship, and I only wanted to eliminate them completely. I don't want there to be any secrets or dishonesty betweenus at all. In time, you can choose to believe me that you have the only copy in your hands right now, but that will be when you are ready to believe that. I can only provide reassurances. I told her that I was sorry to get heavy outside of the safety of our couples therapy, but I felt it best to get rid of the emails as soon as possible and return them to her.
I did not get a response. I did send a logistical text about our son that I have for the night. I only got one word answers to my questions. I told her that I hope she could catch up on sleep tonight and have a good night. No answer.
I feel I did the best thing. I have to get the deamons of mistrust out of the way. Regardless of what my family says, I couldn't let those emails prevent my ultimste goal in preserving our marriage. Her therapist and our couples therapist said that I could easily get sole custody of my son with the information in those emails considering the judge in my county. In the end, I don't want that. If the worst were to occur,I want my wife and I to split 50/50 because we are both his parents.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
why are you pushing her so hard? she asked to only speak about this stuff in therapy but you keep forcing her to deal with it outside of those boundaries
she knows you have the emails you know she thinks you have more
why would you try giving them to her before an interview when she is probably nervous and when you already know she is in a bad mood?
then you text her several more times?
Sparks...you need to back off and stop being needy it is unattractive and cloying
