I asked for transparency, I asked for counseling (he's thinking on this as he's dead set against it), I asked for no contact with OW even if nothing was really going on, it still affected us, I asked for roommate to move out, I asked for a date night every week and I asked that we find more friends down here by finding a group on meetup.com that we both agree on joining. We kind of had the discussion on the "demands" last weekend. But I didn't present it that way.
He agreed to everything but the counseling so far.
As far as becoming friends, I completely agree. Although, we never got into no contact and we never went dark and I'm pretty sure the longest we went without speaking to one another was about 8 hours (for sleep), I agree that the friendship was only one way. He wanted to be my friend and I was busy trying to "detach."
Michelle, what I can't move on from is that he wants me to talk more. I'm closed up. And it just feels awkward, you know? I hate that awkwardness. How can it be so weird with someone you've been together with for 12 years???
I really appreciate the support. You have no idea.
What?! What's going on? Need to catch up... be right back!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hey LIS. Just wanted to check on you quickly. What an amazing week you've had!
I would like to give you some support ... its ok that you have control right now. I know that often times women want their man to be strong and in control. But, your H is crazy right now. He's a scared little boy.
I think you being strong, and confident is necessary for you to build this foundation. Eventually, he will feel strong again. But, he does need to earn his way back. Maybe he should be walking around like a dog with his tail between his legs.
But ... in the meantime ... what are the things that you could do differently that might've led to to this situation? Now is a good time I would think to go back over and look at those. You're going to have to build a new marriage anyway. Make sure it's built on a better foundation and do everything you can to make this M a better one.
He's going to have to figure out for himself what he can do to reach that end.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
I asked for transparency, I asked for counseling (he's thinking on this as he's dead set against it), I asked for no contact with OW even if nothing was really going on, it still affected us, I asked for roommate to move out, I asked for a date night every week and I asked that we find more friends down here by finding a group on meetup.com that we both agree on joining.
GOOD for you YOU LIS!! I think that all sounds perfectly reasonable. Bravo!
I hope that he will agree to the counseling too...
Originally Posted By: lostinscared
Michelle, what I can't move on from is that he wants me to talk more. I'm closed up. And it just feels awkward, you know? I hate that awkwardness. How can it be so weird with someone you've been together with for 12 years???
LIS... you and I are alike here for sure. My W would love for me to talk more, but I'm just a believer in less is more if you know what I mean. It is awkward for me to force myself to talk when I don't feel that I really have anything to say. I'd much prefer to listen to my W... that's funny though since I apparently wasn't able to do that very well in our M... A little out loud thinking there. Sorry.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Don't get too excited for me! grr was referring to the Zen thread regarding our new shoes.
I'm not a talker, Denver. Never have been. I actually like listening to people's stories. I have an affinity for old people because they have the best stories. I actually like looking at other people's photos. Me not being a talker, though, has caused big enough issues because when things went South, my H always assumed the worst. So, I HAVE to work on that.
Ironman, thanks for the support and the thoughts. About 2 or 3 pages back, I listed the things that I needed to work on. It's not a short list, unfortunately. The biggest thing right now is that I do need to open up more.
I do understand what you are saying about control. I just don't want it. I want my old relationship back. But, I guess, that is going to take a lot of work before that happens. He definitely is walking around like a dog with his tail between his legs. If you ask him right now, EVERYTHING is his fault. That is just utterly ridiculous. Of course, everything is not his fault.
I'm not sure what is going on, to tell you the truth. Maybe he stopped talking to his buddies who convinced him that I was defective. Yeah, the same buddies who loved me for 12 years, turned me into the devil to help him justify whatever the heck was going on in his head. What happens when they convince him again? Why did they do it in the first place? I guess, like Michelle warned me, I need to be wary of this change of heart.
I so hate the confusion. But I do love my new shoes!
I have to become more passive but speak a bit more about my feelings in my constructive ways.
For instance, old conversation example:
H: I just didn't feel loved anymore and I shut down. I mean we moved here and you were just upset and unhappy about everything. Why is that? I thought we would get in the new house and everything would be better but it just got worse. Then my friends came here and they said you changed too...
H: One hour later... so you understand what I'm telling you? I'm done. I just can't do this anymore.
Me: You're an a$$.
Crazy, huh??? I really do need a psychiatrist.
But Ironman, you are so right. My old relationship is absolutely dead and I have to make a better one. Thank you.
Haha .... yes, LIS .... I don't think a 3 word response of your an a** is all that useful. I'm sure you can imagine how infuriating this is.
So, that was the old instance. What would the new one be like?
Maybe: H: I didn't feel loved anymore blah did dhe blah blah LIS: Yes, I understand. I'm sorry you felt that. That wouldn't be a good thing to feel. I'm sorry I was distant
H: Why did you do that? LIS: I was going thru X, Y, and Z and feeling AA but, that is no excuse and I'm sorry things ever got to that point.
H: shocked look LIS: BTW, you should see my new shoes
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
