I still want to make this work

[Seminolewind]

Country we are both in a very similar situation. I can't tell you anything that works but I know I have time and I have paitence. That is all I am going to worry about now. I am working on me not really to make my wife like me because I already know I am the best catch. I have a very positive attitude today and I am looking forward to many more of these days. Just stay positive and upbeat. Funny about your name because I hear a bunch of country songs that remind me of my life.

[♪CS♪]

Thanks Seminolewind, that is how I picked my name. When all of this happened I thought, "my life has turned into a country song!"

[Denver_2010]

Hey Country. Just read through your thread. I may have missed some details, but I have the idea.

Listen man... you need to go to strict LRT right now. NO more R talk with your W, ok?

What is the parenting sitch with your D? Does D reside with you or with your W?

I'm going to suggest going as dark as possible with your W for a period of time, but I'm curious how much you actually HAVE to see her due to D.

BITS
Denver

[♪CS♪]

Well, the meeting was uneventful. We were both pleasant, nothing much said to each other except about our D. She didn't wear her ring.

Denver, I am strictly off any R talk. I had the recent slip up, and no more.

Our situation with our D actually works out well. She splits time with both of us. My wife works nights as an RN and I pretty much get her on the nights she works, she has her on her nights off. We may switch a night up here or there. Most all of the switch offs do not happen in person. When my wife goes to work she drops her off at daycare, then I pick her up, and vice versa. Maybe once a week we see each other to do the switch.

Can you explain more on going dark? Do I respond when she sends me a pick of our D for example? Just don't initiate any contact? What I have been doing is playing the 'friend' card. Initiating some light conversation, but not a whole lot, guess I should stop that completely? What should be my tone when we do have contact?

[Denver_2010]

Can you explain more on going dark? Do I respond when she sends me a pick of our D for example? Just don't initiate any contact? What I have been doing is playing the 'friend' card. Initiating some light conversation, but not a whole lot, guess I should stop that completely? What should be my tone when we do have contact?

Going dark means absolutely NO contact. You can find posts on here that describe it differently, or even shades of dark. But really it simply means that you have no contact whatsoever.

Would you respond to her sending a pic of your D? Nope. You get to see your D regularly and can take your own pictures.

Is the 'friend' card paying dividends for you? If it IS, I don't want to discourage it. But she is having an active A, right? And YOU think that she might actually love OM?

Listen, this is JMO... but you might be in a situation where you really need to consider 'dropping the rope'... This is the best definition of this that I have seen:

"Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?

She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?

She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope."

The A makes a really tough situation a lot tougher. Your job, if you want to save your M, is to ride the A out. I've read here that most A's fizzle within 6 months. Of course that is no guarantee.

Right now though, your W has her A... and has you as a 'friend'. My advice is to 'drop the rope'... and go COMPLETELY DARK. Give this 4 weeks. Then reassess.

DO NOT tell your W that you are going dark. Just do it. Your actions will communicate to her what is happening. Words are not needed.

I will tell you from experience, it worked for me. My W was 'done' with our M. She was emotionally divorced from it. She was moving on with her life. At the beginning of December, I went dark for about 3-4 weeks. W began initiating contact... and then that contact became more friendly... By the beginning of this month, she's telling me that she's reconsidering our M. My W's A seems to be fizzling out and she and I are talking about reconciliation. Again, no guarantees.

I know that your W is not showing you anger right now, but she has negative emotions towards you. Trust me. And she is feeling butterflies from this A. The dark period will hopefully cause her to begin to wonder what you are doing, begin to think about you, the positive memories, etc. That's what we're hoping for here.

While you are dark and dropping the rope... you GAL and work on detaching with love.

Remember, your W is going through something here herself. No doubt that she questions her happiness in life and what path will best lead her to it. If you can understand that pain, and still love your W, then you can get through this and still have a chance to save your M.

BITS
Denver

[♪CS♪]

Thanks Denver, that helps a lot. I would say that the 'friend' card has helped a lot. It got us from the point where she didn't want to talk to me at all, to where now she is comfortable coming by the house while I'm here to grab things, initiate phone calls and text, etc. However, I can feel like it has hit a plateau. Definitely no mention of R or reconciliation.

Let me describe our interactions a little bit. On the nights I have our D my W will usually text "How is the girl? "Send a pic," etc. And on the nights she has her she will send pics as well. These are our main interactions. Between these there are occasional stints of light conversation, for example I told her about the new Radiohead album this morning.

So, the conversations in between, I can cut our easily. But tonight for example, I have our D. She texts and asks for a pic. I just ignore it? Seems hard to do without coming off as angry for some reason.

I know you are completely right about the A, nothing I can do other than just ride it our and hope that her feelings start to change.

[♪CS♪]

Well, she didn't ask for a pic tonight, and I didn't send one. Phase 1 of going dark complete!

I am going to throw out something that I know is a little taboo here. I think I am going to start dating. I have no intention of it going too far, just getting out, and enjoying the conversation of a lady. I feel like it would do me good. What do you think?

[JustStunned]

County, I am glad the meeting was uneventful.

I have been trying to be dark for two weeks. W contacts me and I have managed to keep the text/conv minimal. I will cancel tomorrow nights meeting. I have a DB coaching session so something will come up at work making me late.

IMO socializing is a good idea, in a group would be better, socializing is part of my GAL. Dating is a very bad idea. How does dating help you achieve your goals? You cannot control your date’s expectation of dating you. How is dating and trying to control the date fair to the women you would be dating? Maybe I am just confusing semantics here, but I think dating is a bad idea.

[♪CS♪]

I understand that view. My thought is I would be completely honest. "I am in the middle of a divorce and I want to enjoy and meet new people." I guess in a lot of ways I am just really craving female interaction again. Not sex, just conversation.

I think it would help my self confidence. I feel like it would help me detach while she figures out what she wants. IDK, maybe I am crazy, but it sounds like fun.

[Denver_2010]

It got us from the point where she didn't want to talk to me at all, to where now she is comfortable coming by the house while I'm here to grab things, initiate phone calls and text, etc. However, I can feel like it has hit a plateau. Definitely no mention of R or reconciliation.

Ummm... it got you to the point where your W gets her A and be friends with you too. That seems like a pretty good deal for her Country. I'm not trying to be mean when I say that... Just real.

Let me describe our interactions a little bit. On the nights I have our D my W will usually text "How is the girl? "Send a pic," etc. And on the nights she has her she will send pics as well. These are our main interactions. Between these there are occasional stints of light conversation, for example I told her about the new Radiohead album this morning.

So, the conversations in between, I can cut our easily. But tonight for example, I have our D. She texts and asks for a pic. I just ignore it? Seems hard to do without coming off as angry for some reason.

Ok... you can send her a picture of your D without commenting can't you?

The point is not to be 'angry' with your W, but to get her wondering what you are doing. If she asks why you don't reply to something... or why you send a picture without commenting, tell her you are busy enjoying your time with your D. If you're not with your W, just tell her that you are busy and don't have time to chit chat with her.

Listen man, your W left you... NOT the other way around. If she wants to know about a Radiohead album, her OM can find it for her... or she can find it herself. If you EVER want her to miss YOU, then you are going to have to become less available to her. Why would she miss you when she knows that you are just there hanging around as a 'friend'?

I know that its tough... especially bc you have young D. And that definitely needs to come first always. I just think that you need to communicate to your W in a NONverbal way that you are not just sitting around waiting for her OR that you are just fine and dandy that you two are friends.

JMO.

BITS
Denver

P.S. Dating is a bad idea IMO... Take the high road Country... be the ROCK in your M.... Your W sure as hell isn't.