Wife of 6-years Wants a Divorce - pt 2

[spellfire]

Come on man, you are being too easy on your W. You keep excusing, justifying, defending her actions, when what she is doing is unacceptable.

The fact that she has issues as a result of her past experiences does not mean YOU deserve to be treated badly and must tolerate it from her.

Again, I am not saying be a jerk to her, but have enough self respect to STOP justifying her bad behavior to yourself and to us here on the forums.

You need to see the "self-talk" you are doing. You need to see the message you are sending to yourself...

My wife calls and asks me to let our childcare provider know that our son won't be coming in until before lunch tomorrow. She said she's going to take him to a child psychologist to evaluate how he's doing. I said okay, no problem. Then I asked my wife if I should be there too, since he's being psych-evaluated for what's going on with our family. My wife said no, not yet. We'll have to wait and see.

Why do you need to ask her if you should be there too? Why do you defer to her to decide what is best for your kid? She said no, and you are content to wait and see.

See how passive and reactive this is instead of pro-active?

My wife comes home and I said I thought about it some more and I need to be there with y'all during the psych visit. She vehemently said no. And no. And no. And no...

RED FLAG. Why the hell is she so adamant about you not attending?

She basically said that here's another example of me being controlling, that I need to butt my business into everything.

She goes back to the routine that has worked in the past in passifying and controlling you. Much like a child learns how to manipulate a weak parent, she has figured out the best way to reign you in.

Lets see if it works...

In her defense, I did do that a lot during our marriage, and so I see how she thinks my motive to be at the psych visit might be.

No no no...not in her defense. Stop justifying her behavior.

She asked why can't I give her the space and respect for once? I said if it's important for our son to suddenly need to such a visit, I need to be there too. What if this was a real sickness and suddenly he had to go to the doctors? Would she deny me from going too? She then told me she's paying for it, so that's that.

More of the same, she is pulling out all the aces to prevent you from being there.

She kept asking why I can't let her decide to do things for herself without me questioning it (which is true, based on our history).

She keeps repeating it because she knows you back down when she calls you controlling.

Then she started on a conversation that took me completely by surprise. She got visibly upset and said that she just doesn't see me changing and just keeps seeing the same proof that her decision to leave is the right one.

Changing the subject and attacking you to hurt you again so she can be in complete control of the situation.

Then the convo turned into something about dinner, and I have to admit to y'all - I totally let the ball drop on this one and made her even madder. She even gave me numerous cues that all she wanted from me was an acknowledgment or an apology, but I kept talking and acting like a defensive jerk. I really blew it, and she finally said she's done with this conversation, that she's madder than before and I blew my chance.

Dinner again? Man, she sure knows which buttons to press. This is why a firm boundary is soooo important. She punched holes in this boundary here. Yes, you blew it because you got upset. You didnt just reinforce your boundary in a calm manner and not let her break the boundary. Dont fret, just keep resolving to do better next time. Cut yourself some slack, we all screw up at times.

I hate that I can't seem to walk the walk when push comes to shove. I'm starting to doubt the changes I supposedly made over these months.

Do not doubt, you are brand new to this material, and it will take some time to master. Your job is just to be willing and open to learning it. Just think of it like being one of those bull riding machines. You are going to get thrown to the floor a lot in the beginning. THe measure of your mettle is how quickly you can pick yourself back up and get back on it. Next time maybe you can go a little bit longer. Some days the bull bucks harder than others too.

I hope me letting her take our son doesn't bite me in the butt

Me too. Why does a 2 year old need to see a child psychologist without one parent there? Why is she so adamant about you not being there, or knowing the name of the doctor?

She does have some deep mental wounds, both from her childhood and also from being with me. It's a long story, but will tell it for those interested. Which is why I'm taking this into account with how she's been behaving all these months. There's self-esteem, emotional and trust issues to contend with, unfortunately. Some aspects are really serious and some less, but my poor wife has been seriously traumatized her entire life.

Be that as it may, it is no excuse for treating you the way she does. Again, you need to stop justifying and excusing her behavior.

Ultimately, you MUST decide what you will and will not accept, and you must enforce them completely. You keep letting her tear you down. Don't be a jerk about it, but do be firm.

Oh and BTW, when she observes changes in you, she will not want to believe it, and she will intentionally try to sabotage you. She is testing you to see if the changes are real, and how strongly you can maintain them.

Your changes / boundaries are like a wall. She will try to tear it down constantly. Strong wall Alamo, strong wall. Don't give up.