Thanks Alaskangal..I do want to be married, but I have taken the rings off..and I love the new one.
H called me last night..left a message to call him back..a first to call me at home in a long time..of course a pit settled in my stomach..I just knew he was ready to proceed with d..but I talked myself into accepting whatever he had to say...
He wanted to tell me he was no longer employed...he is/was an auditor at a bank and because of restructureing..changes,cost savings, they have decided to have outside auditors..so no job for h...my heart fell....a couple of the guys there gave him some good leads on a few jobs and he was told he would get a great recomendation from both of them. Iknow many people in the world are struggling with this..but when it hits home, you can better understand..as in a marriage having problems..you see things with more compassion then before.
He seems to be so great about it..there could also be some leads in our church..he has always been a very positive person, and I thought I was doing so great at it, but I am scared to death for him and us..me..finances are the first thing I asked him about..when he quit his other job 5 years ago,he had 22 years of profit sharing to fall back opn..this time there is not quite the same amount. I know that is not what is important..and I am working real hard on sorting this out, but it is a concern..two households to pay for is a concern...2 kids still in college
STOP.....Sue..I had to vent and I am sorry...no more..... My co-worker found out she has very early stage one breast cancer..it looks very favorable, but still scary and always uncertain..so I will not seek pity because my h lost his job.
While talking to him..we had a very deep talk about us..again he says he does not feel like we can ever be a married couple..he said he still cares and loves me, but not like a husband should be able to..and that he does not mean to hurt me by saying these things and that no one is to blame, but it has happened..he said when I was ready to proceed legally then we would..I said I may never be ready..he said nothing...he said he will always financially help me. I told him I had pulled back from asking him over for pizza or to a movie because I did not want to appear weak, clingy..or get my hopes up. He said he has no problem doing those things with me if I did not get my hopes up.That we can be friends...I told him I did not want to stay in this house..as before, he asked why..then before I could answer(through tears, of course!)he said "because I am not there?" Yes I said, and becasue we built a life here..raised our kids here..all around are great memories that I don't want to come home and look at alone..that if I move these things won't be there..I know in reality you can't leave all those things behind...and when I get a grip on things, I know that I don't want to forget the good times..I just want out of this house..start clean and fresh..but now that will be out on hold. Maybe i should suggest we just live together to save costs!!! I hope he knows he could come back...no strings attached..until he gets settled.
So friends..that is my latest...I do feel peace about alot of things..I know with the Lords grace and faith, that we will weather this too..
A friend sent me this: Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance.
