I'm not hearing from her any accountability what role she had in this. That should tell you she's not there yet. It would be an admission of guilit (or whatever you want to call it) and that equals to losing her sense of control over the sitch. And you know, WAS's DO NOT like to think they are not in control (even tho we know they really aren't)!
Oh, and this is perfect too!
Coming from you Michelle, that is quite an honor!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
hey everyone thanks for the feedback. Michelle to answer your question the DB coach has def told me to validate and to not defend myself. Validate Validate and Validate.
Zen:
She has taken some ownership but very little. In the her mind the breakdown is mainly my fault. I tend to agree with her, I mean I can see where I have fallen short and in comparison to where I was in her mind a few months ago to today, there is a big difference. Her personality and mine are different in the sense that I am A++ personality and she is not. For her to hear "you are right I screwed up" gives her the reassurance to keep going.
IM,
A lot would have to happen in order for me to move forward with the M on both sides. I don't think we are anywhere near the point of talking about it but I agree with you.
grr,
Not mean at all. Thank god for the snow storm last week and thank god for her staying home today. She has told me on more than one occasion that her way to deal with things has been to go non stop. When she is forced to stop and sit at home is when I get the calls.
My goal IF she calls again. No R talk unless she brings it up, just keep it light and nice.
Just so I can give you a little insight into Zen's reaction, I had the same one but a bit stronger. I had to not say anything just so I could sit back and see if anyone felt the same way.
I'm watching you take some brutal beatings and maybe some of them are deserved, but it's enough after awhile. I don't see hardly anything in your posts where she is accepting accountability. You say she is. Is it that you are just not posting that information?
Listen, don't get me wrong, I think that it's great that you are talking and I really believe that you are moving closer. It's just something that is really starting to bother me.
I understand that you have different personalities. I understand and am so proud of you for recognizing your role, but I can't help but thinking that in order to move forward faster, she really does need to take some ownership.
I'm still so very proud of you, 2Step and you definitely are moving in the right direction.
If you keep your bible by your bed, as your rock as I do, and you cannot sleep - may I offer this up for you to read, it brings me to a peaceful sleep each and everytime
Psalms 4:8 "I will lie down in peace and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe"
Pleasant dreams
M-58 W-56 Married 33 years BOMB -Sept/10 Separated 8 months
BITS (of Fruit) Firstlove
"Go Confidently in the direction of YOUR dreams - Live the life you've imagined" - Thoreau
I have to becareful when and how I defend myself. My initial reaction is to defend myself and letting her vent is one of my 180's without correcting the record. That will come with time but right now it is not the time. I tried that in the beginning and it gave me poor results.
An interesting thing happens though, the level of attack has lesson as I defend myself less. The less I defend myself the less she attacks, at some points she has come to my defense from her own attacks. Not often.
I hope to get more clarification from my DB couch this sat
Yeah 2Step... I don't think that now is the time that you should be worrying about defending yourself or getting your W to take some responsibility.
You want to continue to listen and validate when you are having these R conversations. It's the number of R talks that you are having that is bothering me.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I guess I understand that and believe me, I witnessed it in my own situation. But seriously, it bothers me. It's the mama bear coming out in me. And Zen...
I'm still so very happy about where you are!!!! You really are turning into a DB'ing master!!!
Ok so W calls tonight as I am playing wii with D I'll leave out the 2step trademark alert banner because it was a very short convo
W "hey what are you doing"
M "Kicking someones butt in Wii"
W "i tried calling you earlier today but you never answered the phone"
M "I didn't see the miss call. I was at the ER with my mom. She feel and busted her knee pretty good"
W "OMG is she alright"
M "she will be"
W "let me talk to D"
At this point she told D
W "I want you to know that I did not leave because of you. I love you very much and you had nothing to do with grown up stuff"
D gives me the phone back
W "so you guys are playing?"
M "Yeah. By the way your character on the baseball team is not very good. You can't hit to save your life. Can I call you back later after she goes to bed?"
W "My character was not that bad. Yeah you can call me back. We never......listen to me. Call me back"
M "what?"
W "nothing"
M "say it"
W "we never played Wii as a family in the middle of the week when I was there"
M "We didn't? Maybe your right"
W "no we didn't"
M "well we have an extra controller if you care to join in"
W "yeah. call me back"
LOL The most pointless conversation. Now we didn't play Wii. ugh. Oh well not too worried about it I had a good game and got my a$$ handed to me by an 11yr old girl. Now I am going to call her back.
Two things of note.
1 She did call during the day at some point. I never received a miss call.
