As for the statistics...I think the ones who get D again are the ones who wanted out of the M. I think if you find someone good, someone committed, that you will be in the minority that stick it out. That's why we have to learn, that's why we DB. If we can't save this R, at least we're learning the skills for the next one. Better late than never!
My XH is the one who is going to get D again, not me! LOL. Course at this point, I have no real desire to be M again. I miss it. I liked it. But I can't see it as anything more than a lot of hassle and a piece of paper that can be taken away from me. I figure I had the M without the commitment, so this time I'll have the commitment without the M. LOL
Where is the "like" button?! Very well said, and I feel the exact same way myself.
BITS SIC
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Actually Denver I edit a lot but R talk was initiated by her I just kind of chimed in a little bit. It was actually a pretty nice convo though it was not heavy at all a lot of teasing back and forth. She was curious more than anything. She talks I listen but on occasion she likes to ask and hear me out she wants to know what I'm thinking.
The part I was wanting to mention just came back to
M "people get surprised at how much we talk sometimes"
W "yeah? Why is that?"
M "I don't know? I told them that's really how we met"
W "yeah we didn't have some wild romance or flowers or craziness we just talked. We would talk for hours."
M "yeah that's what I said. Talk about nothing and talk about everything"
W "yeah. I'm simple. That's really how we started"
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Yes it is....but absolutely keep that to yourself!!!!!! Don't show your cards to her lol.
The problem I see is that you guys rarely go a conversation without R talk. You aren't talking about everything, you are stuck on a few subjects. Maybe you are in a bit of a conversational rut?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I'm on my phone right now and just saw your response you are right I almost stepped into that but I pulled out with some humor that we both laughed about. Like I said the tone of her voice was that of relief that she had me to call to vent about work and her eye. I think that is a positive she is home today so I expect to have more contact throughout the day.
Yes it is....but absolutely keep that to yourself!!!!!! Don't show your cards to her lol.
The problem I see is that you guys rarely go a conversation without R talk. You aren't talking about everything, you are stuck on a few subjects. Maybe you are in a bit of a conversational rut?
Right again she has a lot to get off her chest and it comes sometimes in the middle of a convo when I least expect it. She needs lots of validating and lots of reassurance but today if she calls back my goal is to talk about stuff just stuff no R talk but if she brings it up I plan to listen. She has been more receptive to ideas on our M but ready to say she will try anything sometimes I just drop the seed and let her think
2, as always Michelle is spot on. I don't really know what to add. Perfect insight to the sitch. She definitely is letting you know she still doesn't trust you. That is going to take time and is earned. You haven't gotten there yet in her eyes or gut.
Keep it friendly, simple and I agree with Michelle. Too much R talk in almost every convo. She keeps re-hashing the same things over and over with you. You've apologized; profusely at times. She is still blaming YOU; for all of it. I'm not hearing from her any accountability what role she had in this. That should tell you she's not there yet. It would be an admission of guilit (or whatever you want to call it) and that equals to losing her sense of control over the sitch. And you know, WAS's DO NOT like to think they are not in control (even tho we know they really aren't)!
Keep us posted....Have a good afternoon.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
So at this point you consider it part of your strategy to listen and validate then. Has the DB coach encouraged this?
If not, make sure to fit some conversations in where R stuff is not brought up. Don't give her the chance every time. Have a few light, short conversations where you get off the phone before she can hit you with anything.
Leave her with a wonderful fun entertaining conversation with no bitter taste in her mouth (other than perhaps the loneliness she is choosing!).
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I'm not hearing from her any accountability what role she had in this. That should tell you she's not there yet. It would be an admission of guilit (or whatever you want to call it) and that equals to losing her sense of control over the sitch. And you know, WAS's DO NOT like to think they are not in control (even tho we know they really aren't)!
Oh, and this is perfect too!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
She's thinking about things ... and wanting to believe you're different.
And, you are different. She'll see this over time. And, I agree with Zen too. I wouldn't be ready for her if I were you either. Her coming back because you're going to be better .. but she had no share in things and you're an a-hole .... I don't think that would be a very good R.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
