WAW on the Peninsula

[Redo]

I'm feeling backed into a corner this morning. W has scheduled an appointment with the document company for next Wednesday to begin the process of D. I knew the time was getting close.

As of right now, W plans on moving to another state soon and leave the kids with me until the summer to finish school. She wants to get established (get a job and a place) before taking them with her. She has asked to get them a month before school begins to get them acclimated to their new surroundings. If we go with her plan, I will be lucky to see my kids for 3 months out of the year, unless I move near them. That is completely unacceptable to me. Of course when I bring up the fact that her situation isn't any different than mine and they can stay with me......she doesn't like the thought of that one bit. She gets upset. It's maddening, but I have to continue to keep my composure.

Here are my thoughts. If we file uncontested, that will buy me nearly 6 months to save our M without getting into the ugliness of D. That will also give me time to weigh all of my options and see how things play out up to that point. Also, it will give her time to be on her own without me and the kids. Hopefully she will realize that is not what she wants and the life that she is throwing away isn't bad at all. Only time will tell.

If we continue down this path, then I can always hire an attorney after we file the uncontested (before it is final) to fight for custody of our kids. I really don't want to do that, because it will push me further or completely away from my goal.

Perhaps some of you that have been down this path can weigh in with your thoughts. Thanks

Don't know if this helps. My W is with my daughter about 250miles away from me. She filed for divorce with mediation. But i decided not to use a lawyer. I talked with her regarding the asset splits and custody issues and we came to an agreement. My reasoning for not using a lawyer is that when we do attempt to get back, i did not want the acrimony of the lawyer assisted divorce to be thorn during our reconciliation. That and the fact the lawyers were going to charge an arm and leg for this. But I am also taking a big risk because I did make more concessions to my W than she did to me. But thats okay. I still love her.

I too thought about pushing the divorce deadline out, but i started reasoning that unless she's free (like she wants to be after the divorce), she might not come out of fog. She might blame me even more for having denied her, her freedom.

If you do chose a lawyer, make sure that the situation will not escalate into fighting. Just my 2 cents.

[LITB]

[/quote]

Hey LITB, sorry I've only just caught up with your thread. I take it that you've gotten legal advice on how to approach an uncontested divorce, right? Well, if that's the case, you know more than I do. Is the six months wait a required time before finalizing, or maximum time given to you to sign the papers? As you know, my wife wants to do an uncontested too, and I want to try to go with it, but be firm at the same time. The thing is, if I drag my decision for the full six months, wouldn't that look like stubbornness/retaliation/stalling to my wife?

My son is also the top of my worry list in terms of custody (hate that word). I'm afraid she might renege on her desire for us to care for our son 50/50.[/quote]

Hey Alamo, We did have a consultation with a L about a month ago. The W wanted to move the kids during spring break, but after meeting with the L, she knew it wasn't legal. For the most part, I had a good idea what my rights were, but I wanted the W to hear it from a L. I'm the last person she wants advice from.

Here are my thoughts. I will agree to file uncontested with her if we can agree on fair terms, which there aren't any fair terms about her taking our kids to another state. By filing, an automatic restraining order is put in place that does not allow the kids to be relocated to another state for 6 months. I believe this is considered a cooling off period before the D is finalized. Near the end of the 6 months I can evaluate how things have transpired up to that point. If things have not changed, I may very well obtain a L and try to keep the kids with me. I don't want to go down that road, because I know there wouldn't be any chance of saving my M.

I hope that answers some of your questions.

[LITB]

Update:

I noticed the W forgot her phone on the kitchen counter last night while bathing the kids. Within a few minutes she came flying up the stairs to grab it. I asked her what she was hiding(I know, this isn’t going to get me closer to my goal). Of course she got defensive and said that she text messages her friends and gets messages from FB that she likes to reply to. When I’ve had questions about something in the past, she told me to ask her……..so I told her that instead of me wondering what was going on, I’d rather just ask her and get it over with. I told her thank you for me honest with me, I appreciate it. Mind you, I don’t believe her.

Here are the reasons that I can’t completely trust or believe her right now. She went to Vegas (we lived in Vegas for over 13 years) to tell her family that we are getting a D and while she was down there she ran my name thru the ringer. She told her family what a horrible husband and father I have been. Thankfully they know how well she’s been treated and they weren’t buying her stories. I say stories, because she changed them when she was confronted about making her decision depending on who she was talking to. Don’t get me wrong, I am far from being a perfect H. Anyway, she didn’t know that one of her relatives called me to find out WTH was going on. All of them suspected that she is/was having an A, because that is the only thing that would explain the reasons for a D.

While she was down there, she didn’t realize that her family was in contact with me. Well she spent a couple of nights on the strip and didn’t tell me about it. I was asked if I knew she was staying in a hotel and I did not. When I asked her where she was staying when we talked, she said that she was staying with her sister. I then asked her if she wasn’t staying at ?? hotel. She said no and what would make me think that. I told her I just thought that she might be staying there, since she worked there in the past. After we hung up, I called the hotel and asked for her room. She didn’t answer, but she knew that I had just caught her in a lie. I called her cell back and left her a message to call me back. I wanted to know what was going on with her. She called and I asked point blank if she was having an A. She wanted to argue, but I cut her off and told her it is a yes/no question. She said no and told me she didn’t tell me, because I would have automatically thought she was having an A. All the signs point to her having an A, but my intuition tells me otherwise. I may very well just be acting the fool. I believe if she was having an A, she would be more ambitious on moving out of our house. I don’t know what to think. Her behavior is so confusing.

After everything settled down last night, she came to my room and I asked if we could talk. At first she was reluctant, but I knew that I needed to calm her down. W asked me why I ask her about her phone now when I never did before she said she wanted a D. She feels that I’m doing things backwards. I told her that times are different now, I had no reason to ask about her phone before because I trusted her. I apologized for asking, but I told her that I didn’t want to wonder and it was better if I asked her about it.

That’s how the C began. Then it spilt over to all of my shortcomings that helped us get to this point. I listened and validated. Not easy when you know most of the talk is nonsense, but I did it anyway.

W claims that I was an absent husband and absent father. That when we decided to have kids that we would split responsibilities 50/50 and I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain. I made her feel like I didn’t care when she would stay out late with her friends and I wouldn’t question her or ask about her night. I list goes on and on. Some of her claims are true and some of them are far-fetched. I just listened and validated last night.

Today we have a consultation with the document preparation company. Wish me luck.

[sandycay]

My two cents ~ please don't allow yourself to be a 3 times a year father to your children. Some other man if your wife ever remarries will be raising your children.... they need both of you. It is your wife decision to move away...not yours ... she will. I would never agree to be without my children... it's not in the best interest.

How can you split childcare 50/50 when there is a breadwinner and a stay at home mom. That is her job when your not there. Is she not working? If not, how does that cell phone get paid? Good luck on your journey but as the mother of children whose father is absentee at this point.. please don't let your children go that far away.

[LITB]

My two cents ~ please don't allow yourself to be a 3 times a year father to your children. Some other man if your wife ever remarries will be raising your children.... they need both of you. It is your wife decision to move away...not yours ... she will. I would never agree to be without my children... it's not in the best interest.

How can you split childcare 50/50 when there is a breadwinner and a stay at home mom. That is her job when your not there. Is she not working? If not, how does that cell phone get paid? Good luck on your journey but as the mother of children whose father is absentee at this point.. please don't let your children go that far away.

Thanks for dropping in sandycay,

Right now I cover all the cost including my MIL living with us for the last 6 months. I bet she's pitched in $200 at most. So yes, I pay for her cell phone.

The W is not working right now, but she plans on getting back into the work force once she moves to Albuquerque (1100 miles away from me). Both of our families live in NM and that's what she believes will win her custody if we go that route. She feels that she has a support group setup there. I disagree, because I am stable in the bay area.

I don't want someone else raising my kids. I've been consistent in telling her I do not want to be a part-time father. She tells me I should have never let us get to this point in our M. It's so frustrating, because I believe that I've been a great father.

[Starsky309]

L.I.T.B.,

Why are you paying for the cellphone that she's using to conduct her affair(s)?

I guarantee you, she sees your behavior since the bomb as WEAK, and it's not doing any good for your OWN self-esteem, either.

You need to draw some boundaries, if you're to keep your sanity.

Starsky

[alamo76]

I agree too LITB. I hope my boy isn't taken out of state. I didn't know that if one went the uncontested route, there is no restriction for either spouse to take the child out of state after the divorce is finalized. Am I correct to assume such? I mean, I know that the spouse intending on taking the child out of state has to prove to the court that s/he has to have sufficient stability to care for the child.

[sandycay]

I would fight it tooth and nail and they can't leave the state until that happens. If their live is established where they are at and you prove while she is gone for the 6 months till "she is ready to get them" that you can care for them and work... I don't see how any judge would do that.... let them visit her 3 times a year. Ugh ... sorry it just gets under my skin these parents that want to take away their kids from good parents.

[LITB]

I agree too LITB. I hope my boy isn't taken out of state. I didn't know that if one went the uncontested route, there is no restriction for either spouse to take the child out of state after the divorce is finalized. Am I correct to assume such? I mean, I know that the spouse intending on taking the child out of state has to prove to the court that s/he has to have sufficient stability to care for the child.

I don't know if that is true Alamo. I think both parents have to agree to terms on everything, otherwise it wouldn't be considered uncontested. That's what I gather so far.

I'm just trying to buy myself more time going the uncontested route. If it doesn't work, then I will retain a L and fight for my kids. I'm hopeful someone that has been down this road or with knowledge of this situation will chime in.

[LITB]

I appreciate your take sandycay. I'm walking a fine line trying to DB my butt off and save my M and trying to be prepared to make the best decisions possible for my kids.

W tells me I have a bright future up here and not to lose sight of that. I respond by telling her I don't care how great my career is, it doesn't mean much when you don't have your family.