Piecing is almost harder than before...

[Harrier]

Harrier - if I broke my arm, I'd know that it wanted to heal and we both had the same goal.

And a broken arm sure as hell hurts less. lol.

Yes but at what cost. Do you want it to heal quickly where it's mabye not as strong or heal correctly?

if you arm could talk what would it want?

[Harrier]

Guys, I believe in piecing, when you guys are rebuilding or whatever you want to call it, your concerns about the marriage are just as valid as hers. You're not taking her back no matter the cost. "No sex?! OK! As long as your home!"
F that.
I'm not saying rush in, but it has to be on the table.
Her concerns and your concerns are of equal import.

Interesting. My W and I had this very talk last night. At one point, in early Dec, she had said to me that if she had to she could stay in a marriage where we were just friends and only friends for the kids' sake.
But last night she says, "I know you could never do that. It is not the type of marriage you want. You need the affection and emotional connection."
Ya know, I never told her that I couldn't be married like that. But she knew. She knew from my actions or discussions, fights etc. My point is that your W's are probably listening. If she is truly vesting in working on the M, your concerns are valid and she isn't presenting a my way or the highway scenario. Now are you doing the same?

Thankfully, she has come to a place where she wants that connection we once had. So she is willing to work to get us to that place.

And don't think for a minute that just because your wife doesn't say ILY or kiss or hug you, she is fine with things. If she wants to work on the M, I'd be she misses those things an awful lot but is scared about investing in that again.

[XYZ]

I agree with your last line, Harrier. I know my W is scared, and I understand why.

It's funny. When we were separated, the reversal came right after I finally (after many attempts) feel like I detached. Like I really accepted that it was over, took of my ring, told W I accepted it, told her we should divide finances, and REALLY felt it. 48 hours later, she emails me that she wants to try again.

I come home and screw it up within three weeks by kissing her (that was back in Nov). Dec back on track and she's kissing me lightly etc, but I think I pushed (again) too much and it slowed back to cheeks in Jan and then I give her that card for V-day. Woooooaaa back off again. She keeps crawling and every time she starts to crawl, I run or at least walk and she crawls backwards. It's that proverbial kitten peaking out from behind the couch thing. How stupid can I be? I've got to crawl right along with her. I can do this.

I'm also to a point now where I won't accept being together no matter what. Screw eggshells. I'm done with that. I will work hard, very hard, but she will have to participate in this process. I won't do it all.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I had a similar problem with my wife XYZ.

I am not suggesting that this is the way for you to do it. I am just telling you that at the time it worked for me and her. Please understand that.

She keeps crawling and every time she starts to crawl, I run or at least walk and she crawls backwards. It's that proverbial kitten peaking out from behind the couch thing. How stupid can I be? I've got to crawl right along with her. I can do this.

Similar in that, the crawling and she would accuse me of doing something that set her back, us back to zero. Back to the begining.

I remember telling her that it felt like an excuse not to try. That I was hampered by the fear of her saying that. I reminded her that it was her choice to come back and that she begged me for this chance, but that "Back to zero was a BS excuse." That when things got hard and they would have to to get past them, all she had to do was say that and we never resolved any issues.

To be honest, I never herd, "Back to zero" after that.
I also...wasn't walking or running in my opinion. I was crawling right next to her, but she was afraid to crawl over some issues that we had to.

It's in my backstory, where its fresh and still accurate. I still stand by what I wrote. If you're interested.

[Bolt]

I hear that too! It's the fact about "changing".

New bolt vs old bolt.

Anytime there's a conflict that doesn't go as she intended it's my fault because I haven't changed. That's TOTAL bs. It's an excuse for sure.

I think I have to take a stand the way you did - WHEN the time is right - after a few days given my current sitch...

[XYZ]

JTB - I just skimmed your old posts. Thank you. You were to so many back then, and to me now, an inspiration.

I have stumbled, as you did from time-to-time, but I'm getting back up and will keep going, also as you did.

I loved your post about Lincoln and the ear. I think that's what I did with the card.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

...
I held off as long as I could, and I hesitated telling you that, because I didn't want you thinking it would magically solve things, chance it might make things worse Bolt.

Say something similar, when the time is right...not ina few days...which is...a deadline, but when the time is actually right for you.

I also said it...nicely despite how you might have read it. All self righteous and demanding...that wasn't the case.

[XYZ]

JTB - Question. Whenever my W and I have R talks, she tells me her feelings, I listen, I validate, sometimes I agree. On occasion, but not always, I try to tell her my perspective (only after I hear her's not while she's talking). Her response is usually something along the lines of: that makes me feel like you're justifying your actions or making excuses or similar. When she says that, I back off. This has lead to a situation where the "blame" is totally on me. She talks about my actions, I validate and we don't ever get into the details of my perspective. If you were to ask her, she would most likely tell you that I am 99% of the cause of our problems. I'll own half or more, but not all.

I'm not sure how/what to do about this. So far, I've just let it go (more eggshell walking), but when she says things that I patently disagree with it seems counter to long term health to just suck it up.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

As long as you found something of worth in there. I normally don't suggest people reading my stuff. But some of it seemed germain to the topic. And re-reading it keeps me in contact with my old self and where I came from.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

If you were to ask her, she would most likely tell you

most likely?

What would she say if you asked her?


When we started talking like that, I made it very clear that I wasn't defending, and that...you'll notice more often than not HERE in DB, I say things like:

Seems, I believe, I think...

when I talked with her, I pointed out this was my point of view and could very well be wrong, "It seemed like..."

The difference:

I did this because You did this to me

"I thought you did this, and I reacted this way. Which wasn't all that smart."

That's pretty vague...

I got drunk and stayed out until 4, because you treated me like poop.

I thought you were treating me like poop, so I stupidly got drunk and stayed out late, when I should have asked what was wrong or if you were just having a bad day.