Just on what I've seen. I've not actually done statistics, but it's definitely up there.
The WAS most of the time doesn't go through with the D, at least not right away. They waffle. They hem and haw. They have their second thoughts and doubts and check to see if you are still on the line emotionally.
The LBS is the one who either keeps standing for the M or gets fed up and says let's get this done legally, you obviously left a long time ago. I don't know how many LBSs I've seen be the ones to file the D papers because the WAS is too wrapped up in their fantasy life to be bothered with paperwork.
The WAS almost inevitably is acting out of misery. They are trying to get away from what they see as the source of their pain. But they fail to see usually how they have contributed to their own misery, and realize that they can't run away from themselves. So their misery goes with them, and they try and bury it with drugs, alcohol, and affair, a new job, a new apt, a new car. Pick your poison (or two or three lol). But because they are so busy running from themselves, they have little energy left to deal with mundane things like paperwork or giving the LBS "closure".
Look at JR09's wife. She filed for D then let the action be dropped because she didn't follow through.
My D took almost 2 years for my XH to file, and I actually was the one who prepared everything for him to file (he was back with OW for the 3rd time and I just ran out of patience).
Kalni's H was in and out a couple times. She was to the point of filing D papers when he had second thoughts. She almost didn't take him back. There was lots of agonozing on her thread for a couple weeks while she processed what she wanted to do.
Dry_heat / Virtually_handsome's XH lived in the spare room for years while he DBed before he finally just told her if nothing was going to change and she wouldn't do MC or anything maybe they should file for D. Her answer? Yes, lets. He had to be the one to decide it had been long enough though.
I could list others, but my observations have told me that the WAS either files RIGHT AWAY and pushes forward hard with the D, or things drag on and the LBS ends up being the one to make the decision.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
That's very, very interesting, Michelle. Well, you're right, I would have never ever believed it if I hadn't witnessed it in my own situation. What has got me wary is how fast he wanted back. I just don't get that. He said he missed me. He was gone a whopping 6 days and 2 of them were spent at my house. Anyway, thanks for your perspective. It really is enlightening.
That was an awesome post Michelle. It should give a lot of newcomers much hope that DBing does work!
Thanks!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
My H was the WAS who initally went to see a L 2 days after he left the first time and came back 12/26//09 and announced he wanted a D. He moced out Feb. 2010 and didn't actually file until Oct. 2010. So I think he did a little of both; pushed hard and then waffled.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Zen - my XH did a lot of that too. It's such a mind trip. Makes it hard to tell which way is up and whether the sun is going to rise again lol. Those WASs sure seem to know how to f with out heads!
LIS - definitely be wary. It's great that he says he missed you, but things can't just go back to how they were. My XH decided after 8 months of S that he wanted to try dating, I went along with it, let him set the pace, and a month later he was back with OW. He told me later that it was because things were too good and he realized that things might actually work, which made him face the fact that he had been stupid and selfish and, heaven forbid, might have been wrong. Then he felt stupid and guilty and withdrew again and OW was there to catch him. Let his actions prove his intentions, don't be swayed by pretty words. And take it slow. Make sure to build the friendship and work on communication a lot.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
And LIS to add to what I said, he set a pretty fast pace. We saw a lot of each other. At the end, he never actually said that he was stupid or selfish or felt guilty. That's what I believe motivated him to run back to OW based on how he was acting.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
michelle, thanks so much for all your information this is the third time my h has asked for a d last year, almost same time i was right here on this board what resonates with me, on what you wrote is that he is positive he can never feel those feelings that would keep him in a marriage, and there is no turning back for him, however, he loves, respects, is very attracted to me, and we can go very slow with the d. however, i think i need to take him at his word and move ahead as if this is going to happen thanks again for sharing your knowledge with us
We are in this nasty act/react circle which I am trying to break. My H has admitted to responsibility somewhat. I say somewhat because I'm still pretty convinced there was an OW. 2Step says I have to open up to the possibility that there wasn't, but that's what I think. The one thing that has me pretty surprised right now is that when I didn't tell him he could come home, he didn't get mad. Good sign? I don't know. Like I said, I'm just pretty wary right now.
