Recovering after a same sex affair

[sparks14]

Oh man. Where do I start today? I thought couples therapy was bad last week with the discovery of the emails that I read and the hurt of me telling my parents first. This one was a step above.

We actually started with some co-parenting topics that went very smoothly. My W and I are on the same page as far as 50/50 and have been doing quite well at it. We then jumped into the fire of the conversation.

I had a prepared apology based on some of the thoughts of my therapist, Figg, and Cat. No blaming. Honest. Direct. Sincere. I apologized for both the parents piece as well as the emails.

My W had also some prepared words. She warned that they were not as nice. She pretty much told me that the mistrust of the emails is as painful to her as the affair might be to me. She said that this is something she will never get over. She mentioned that her mother had once read through her journal (maybe this is how mother discovered the issue with the school counselor when she was 17), and that she has never forgiven her mother. That is why privacy is such a huge issue with her. I did not put up any guards. I listened and validated my W's feelings the entire time. She said that she felt that this trust is not repairable.

She did not ask if I had a copy of them. she assumed that I had a couple. That my parents had a copy. That my parents had read them. She told me that no matter how we agreed that the couples therapy room was a place of honesty, she would not believe or trust me regardless of my answer. She just wanted me to know how much damage could be done with them and to understand the hurt they could cause.

I then explained to my wife that I did have one copy that was hidden in a safe place. Explained that they were there just in case things got very messy, they are the only proof that I have that adultery took place. Told her I would be happy to burn them if we reconciled. She told me that she didn't want them over her head for the rest of this process (Figg - you were right here). She mentioned again the pain they could cause. She mentioned that, yes, the proof in those emails of a lesbian affair is enough to gain full custody of our son in the county we live in. Her therapist has provided examples of recent cases. Our couples therapist also agreed. Told my wife that in the worst case, we agreed on 50/50 custody and a mediated divorce. I just wanted to protect myself in case she changed her mind at the last minute as the horror stories I have heard.

Couples therapist said that these emails will be a pretty big wedge in the rebuilding process. She mentioned that we get some kind of notarized document stating that there was an affair and we have agreed to 50/50 custody and a fair and mediated split of assets. Then destroy the emails. I agreed to this with my wife. I told her that if the emails are going to provide any resistance to my efforts to save our marriage, I will give them to her tonight. She said that it would not make a difference right now, because I don trust that you have multiple copies. I promised her that the only copy will be destroyed as long as we agree on the mediation in worst case scenario.

After all of this, our time was coming to end. I am nearly in tears. My wife says that she has one more thing to bring up. She mentioned that she was overstaying her welcome at her brother's place. She has talked to her father about this. She said her option would be to find some kind of woman's shelter or a very cheap apartment to live in. Her father agreed to help her with the cost but wanted to remind her that he did not condone how she got here. I agreed that as hard as it was to have my wife find her own place, I would be patient and give her the space she needs. She promised that it would be close to us, that I would continue to have as much access to our son as possible, etc. Nothing will change there. It is just a bitter pill to swallow, as I see that as the next step further away.

I am dying inside and trying to keep my composure, but much of the end of therapy and the ride home was me slowly sobbing and holding back tears. I hated feeling so weak, when I am trying to show my wife that I am strong and confident right now.

Somebody please tell me that I still have a chance here. Anybody?