I LOVE the new guy that you have become. So stop thinking that. This tough guy exterior that you used to portray... the one who could just say screw it, I can find someone better, is not a good person. YOU, Bolt, are a GREAT person. Now, that doesn't mean that if you decide it's not working for you, that you're a bad person. If you do decide that, you are doing that with a lot of love and introspection in your heart. But, I don't think that is what you want. All you want is to stop the pain. Understand what is motivating you and your feelings right now: pain. Pain is an effective motivator, however, it yields bad results. Let putting your marriage back together be your motivator.
Bolt, I don't think there is enough info out there for the reconciliation phase. I think that is where you and I are struggling a bit. I think that you just need to recognize that and understand that there isn't anything wrong with you. You just need some more support.
Do you detach more? Yes, but I don't think in the way you think. I mean I am pretty concerned you are saying you've lost your identity. Does that mean that you've wrapped your entire self and sense of being around saving your marriage? If so, then yes, you need to work on that and detach yourself from the outcome. Do you detach in that you distance yourself from your W? I don't think that is the right thing to do. She's insecure and she's lost and I don't see how doing that is going to help. You can still give her space while making sure that your thoughts, words and actions are always conveying that you are there for her.
Will you do me a favor? Go buy a book called Hold Me Tight. I'm reading it right now as it was one that was suggested on the Piecing Forum. It is providing me a lot of insight about what caused the breakdown, about patterns of conflict and about building the bridges back. Then go rent the movie Rudy and re-learn what persistence is all about. We have a movie theatre in my gym and it was playing the other day and man, I got my fight back!
We're all here walking with you. You're still an inspiration to us all. I really, really would like to hear from the vets on this, though.
