Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

But it will come and go - he will be detached, then start coming close again, pursuing, then cycling away, then back.

How prophetic you were Angel.

The last few days, H has been noticeably different. It seemed as if he couldn't get enough of me (in every way but physical). He text me a lot, he'd send me emails. He'd call a lot, just seemingly to chat. The other morning I awoke to find 5 emails from him and I had just been IMing with him right before I went to bed.

I had to work several hours away a few days ago and he called me once I was on the road and we chatted for several hours about all sorts of different philosophical things. Whenever I'd try to end the conversation, I could tell he really didn't want it to end. While working across state, we somehow got in a text conversation about his previous counseling. He had mentioned that his new physician recommended it and he said he didn't feel like he got much out of it. I remarked via text that that statement surprised me because when he was going, he seemed to be getting a benefit out of it. We discussed that a bit via text but the conversation kind of waned off. Coincidentally, earlier in the week I had mentioned to him that I was considering stopping our D's counseling sessions because she was just too stubborn to get anything out of it and its been almost a year now and I feel like it's just money down the drain anymore.

Anyhow, as I was driving home, he asked me to call him once I got on the road. Once I did, he asked again about my thoughts on the counseling. I thought he meant regarding D and started in on my thoughts. He then said that he actually wanted to discuss my comments about HIS counseling. So that led into a very very very long conversation about his counseling experience, MY counseling experience, and ultimately once again, him asking questions about how I made the significant changes (to myself) that I made. He mentioned that over the last few days, he's felt more alive than he has in a long time and he wasn't sure if it was the change in drugs or what. But he also said that he came to the realization that he COULD still maintain a good relationship with D without necessarily coming back to the marriage and that realization was like a weight being lifted and he felt like he suddenly wasn't trapped in a no win situation. He was quick to point out that just because he came to that realization, he didn't mean to insinuate that that was the direction he was leaning at all. Just that he feels a lot better about things. He opened up a bit more about the last few months. He said that prior to the conference he had kind of resigned himself to the fact that he had to come back in order to do the right thing. But I guess he still felt trapped. Then, when he screwed up my KeyWest vacation at the last minute, he saw that rather than be mopey, I flew off to Vegas. He said "I was having a miserable time puking in Key West while you were flying off to Vegas watching Penn and Teller shows. It made me think that ONE of us has got things figured out and one of us doesn't." Anyhow, he asked me point blank why I thought that he continued to sulk in misery after he moved out while I blossomed and enjoyed life. I once again discussed the need to look within and change those things about you that are roadblocks to your inner happinness/peace. While in his case, he was focused too much on changing the environment/situation but he himself remained unchanged. We've discussed this several times and in a way, I think he started to see what I was trying to say a bit more than in previous conversations. Anyhow, I ended up arriving home and ended the conversation. Again, he seemed sad that I had to go. He told me he'd be online later if I was still up.

After arriving home, unpacking getting D to bed and everything, I popped online to check emails and saw he was online. The IM conversation started off normal but then quickly took an odd turn in that he was being sexually forward in some of his questions/comments. It didn't bother me, it was just out of place since he hasn't given me a simple peck on the cheek in 2 months. I quickly assessed via his typing that he was drinking and he admitted it. Shortly after midnight, I told him I was going to bed. Once again, he moped and said he liked talking to me. I thanked him and said I felt the same. He then suggested he might come over and talk more while snuggling. I said that'd be nice. He said "really? Is that a good idea?". I told him that I couldn't answer that for him but wished him a good night. I honestly didn't think he was serious.

Needless to say, about 30 minutes later, he showed up at the house, undressed and hopped into bed with me and things went sexual quite quickly. After so long not even touching him, it was nice. But I knew that this could possibly mean nothing and in fact, could very well be the last time we sleep together. I felt sad about that thought but I had no regrets. Then things went weird. It became apparent to me that he shouldn't have driven over. He was still quite inebriated. He fell asleep quite quickly but then woke me up with absolute gibberish (including strange things like "I'll miss you"). He kept saying other things that made no sense and I realized he was drifting in and out of consciousness. Even though he was only partially aware, I still let things go sexual again. Perhaps I was being selfish but he didn't seem to mind. Towards the end, I know he mostly woke up. He was going to drive home but realized he was still very affected (not only by alcohol but also his AD meds and Ambien) so smartly decided to stay. In the morning, he got up and went home. He was still super snuggly and said he needed to think about what all of this meant.

Later this morning, he called me and asked about what had happened. He can't remember awhole lot. I recounted some of the strange things he said to me. He seemed surprised. He seemed to be aware that we'd slept together but I guess wanted to make sure that wasn't all in his head.

So where does this leave us? Hell if I know. Fortunately, I feel like if this was a momentary blip before he goes for good, I can take it. I know he genuinely cares for me and the emotion was real. He just may feel there's too much damage to repair or that the grass is still greener on the other side. Either way, I felt no guilt about sleeping with my husband, even though it felt like more of a booty call than anything else.

Life is funny sometimes. You never know from day to day what's going to happen. I will give him his space, I expect no changes (which is bad of me since it's an expectation I know), and I'll continue to move forward as I have been. I hope his meds are starting to have an effect but since it's only been about a week I find it hard to believe it's already helping. It usually takes longer than that. Either way, my focus will continue to be on my well being and the well being of my D.