Upset

[Queen_of_Swords]

Loving someone gets you nothing in return. It entitles you to nothing.

Being loved though...we all chase it, we all crave it, we all want to be loved. Paradox.

And how would you like to be loved?
Authentically, unconditionally warmly, affectionately, sexually.

Only when you are calm, quiet and peaceful and the love of someone is just some warm syrup to make you feel even more so?

That's contentment, and peace of mind, not necessarily love.

When does love hold the most power? When does its mystery show itself? In adversity.

It is time for me to share this with you:

The love we show isn't love at all. It's an exchange of giving and getting.

When

the person is with us we love them. As soon as they try to leave we despise them and curse them.

In all actuality we are doing what the WAS is doing - except in the completely opposite direction. They want to be happy. They do what they do looking for it.

When they leave, we are unhappy. We want them to come back so we can be happy.

Happy is at best a fleeting thing in my experience. Sometimes it pops up like violets among the crabgrass. I do not want him back so I can be happy. That was never in his power anyway. .

And ....

When you do achieve detachment and you do understand that love is not what we get from another it is what you give without needing its return.

That's not what I've been taught I've been taught that one sided love is not love at all. It is obsession and unhealthy for the giver, you can't build a bridge from one side.

Then Let's just take the case that brought us all here.

Your H doesn't want the M.

He just doesn't want the marriage. He doesn't want me, he doesn't want our family, he wants nothing WE have to offer. Yes you can say it's his loss, but we are the ones left feeling loss acutely.

At first you want to "get" them back. You want something and they want something different.

Maybe they are scared, confused or whatever and they think that the only way they can be loved like they want to be is to leave and have an A. Or find someone new.

Then
We grow and we understand.
And that is the journey of the LBS.

If we run away because they reject us are we any different?

What's the point in staying then? You're rejected and unwanted. Your love isn't valued, YOU aren't valued. You don't reject them, you just cease putting your attention and energy there and fade to black.

You confirm to him that you did not really love him by this rejection because it is after all conditional.

I understand what you're saying here.

I have a hard time with it, because it's clear that HIS love was entirely conditional, and when it got too hard, and he was unahappy with some of the things I did or said he didn't even let me know until it was far too late to DO anything about it, he didn't even trust me with his heart enough to tell me.

My love is unconditional, I do love him, I always will. He's lovable. He is a kind, gentle,funny,smart, courteous, loving and generous man.

His behaviour and choices stink.

I'm not stone, I'm not a saint. I'm a living, breathing woman. I can love him all my life, but now he's gone and he intends to divorce me. When that's done, it will mean I'm no part of his life anymore except in a peripheral sense, it will also mean any love and warmth I hold for him matters not AT ALL.

It doesn't mean my vows meant nothing to me. I meant them, but the convenant and bond is broken by H. It was a promise between TWO people, it wasn't meant to be maintained alone by one indefinitely.

It also doesn't mean I will do without the love of a man for me until and IF he decides to return to me.
I deserve love, affection, protection, and trust too.

You confirm for him the doubts he has about himself and you.
There is opportunity to express and communicate to your H that you love him more than just an exchange.

You have an opportunity to prove to yourself that you can love without those conditions.
I have and do love him through this all, did the best I knew how and I would not be working so hard even now I give and continue to give my all...but at some point, maybe even today, that won't be enough and I will cease to work for something that hasn't got a chance in hades of flourishing.

That you are only expressing what you believe...

For a time long enough to where you can move on without anger or resentment.

That you are not a victim of someone who wouldn't give you what you wanted BUT Someone who has courage enough to express the best kind for love for her H.

To heal.

And during that time maybe, just maybe...

This expression of love has a chance to flourish and your H maybe understands this and your M is saved.

A possibility?

The slimmest of possibilities. For a person that's got an all or nothing mindset, this is difficult. It either is possible, or not possible, and this slim reed of maybe equates in my mind to hopeless.

That you will love and honor them.
I love him, I respect him, I honor him.

Honor means that if they want to divorce you then that is their choice.

Yes and regardless I will have to live with that choice and without him.

How are you harmed if you are no longer attached to outcomes.

Not attached = don't care - feel nothing - love is dead.

You are not holding on.

That takes effort.

That means you are trying to control.

This is so not in my hands. I can't control him, his choices, his behaviour. I am not general manager of the universe, I gave that up a while ago.

You are GIVING away...
How would you want to be loved?
Only when you are peaceful and not scared?

Or

When you have lost your way and are so scared you run away?

When you run away, no amount of love that's given to you can help you, you've also abandoned and run from it. You've also tried to run from yourself.
We who do love can't chase you either.


This is not a point of black and white this is a process just as our growth is a lifelong process.

That requires constant experience, pain and correction.

The only lie is the one you tell yourself...

Oh I so disagree with you here. We've been told and taught so many lies, finding the truth is like running a complicated maze.


Lest you think I'm just arguing for the sake of arguing with you Truegritter, I'm not. This is how my thought process is working (or not working) right now. I am a mess.