As the Bolt Turns

[Denver_2010]

WTF?!?!?!? I don't check in on your thread for a few days Bolt and all hell breaks loose! Really makes me want to get to the piecing stage there Bolty...

J/K man...

Listen... relax. She is still scared and confused. Just bc you have felt that things have been going great for the past couple of weeks, does not make that HER reality.

My advice, back off for a few days. Give her PLENTY of space.

Have you been smothering her? Honestly?

If so... do a 180 for a few days... Go do your own thing... What does your W need right now?

There are no easy answers here... you know that... I know that.

Main thing is... RELAX and do NOT panic.

BITS !
Denver

[lostinscared]

Bolt,

How are you doing today? Yours was the first thread I read when I first got up this morning. Been thinking about how to respond.

Your reactions, your feelings, they are all normal. I'm not going to talk you out of them. You are trying to protect yourself and that's ok.

I really suggest, though, that you slow things down a bit. Not just with your interactions with your W, I mean in your mind also. You have to be ready that things like yesterday might happen again, but it is not all gloom and doom. It's just a part of the process. People get stuck in these cycles that they find very difficult to get out of. Your W is stuck in one of those cycles. And I agree she might be disillusioned about what love is. But, she is acting mostly on impulse right now... she doesn't realize that she is stuck in a cycle. She is not as mindful of her feelings, actions, interactions as you are because you are a lot more educated in this process. I'll tell you for me, I'm stuck in cycle behavior too. I got into detach mode too well and now I am stuck trying to get out of it in reaction to my H's request for reconciliation. I was not ready. It's the same thing with your W.

I know that moving is a huge leap of faith, but you were taking that leap regardless. The same argument you had to your W about not panicking about what could be, is the same argument for you. There are no guarantees in life. You need to make a decision to move or not move and not let your W deter you from that decision. Because she will probably meltdown again. Stay off that roller coaster and be the rock. You have done that so well already.

I'm so proud of you, Bolt. I really think that things are going to be good. I think you've done so much work and I think your W knows this. Give her some patience. Understand where she is with the educational process that is reconciliation and love and recognize that she is in the woods a bit more than you are. This does not give the excuse for you to be self-righteous (which you're not), but merely to simply support her when she gets a little lost.

I'm praying for you.

LIS

[Bolt]

heyall,
Thanks a ton for the prayers and concerns.

Had a rough night. I'm getting over a cold and couldn't sleep very well. I did end up sleeping in the bed with W. She was pretty normal this morning; gave me a kiss goodbye too.

My mind is just in a whirlwind. I have to remain focused but can't stop thinking about some of the things she said. I'm going stay detached for the next few days. She's working today, so that's pretty easy. Tomorrow, I'm going to be out of the house all day - meetings in LA so that's easy too.

Friday and saturday she works so I can make it Sunday pretty easily. I'm not going to text or call her during any of that time.

I'm having a hard time imagining myself without her right now. I thought things were going so well. I do know that every time I've given her space, she's come back a little closer.

I just really don't know what to expect and what to do. The move suddenly is weighing HUGE on me. I'm 100% afraid that it is a bad decision.

My faith tells me that it is a good decision and the right one to do so I am going to do it. I keep hearing that this will all pay off in spades.

It's just a little hard to fathom that right now. After getting the "best friend" speech and all...I can't get that out of my head.

Something I did forget. I talk pretty openly with her about everything and she would ask about this board. I would tell her things like, people are in the same boat - or - we're going down the right path...

Well, apparently THAT is something that is putting pressure on her. She wants us to go at our pace and feels that I'm overanalyzing everything (DUH! - My therapist's words). So I told the W that I won't discuss this board at all. I also told her that out of respect for her, if she wanted me to stop, I would. She said that I needed this to vent and relate.

So, I guess you guys are stuck with me...

BITS for sure...

[grr]

"I do know that every time I've given her space, she's come back a little closer."

so there you go, bolt

you know what to do

hope you are feeling better....

i am a firm believer in gut feeling.......if your gut says this is the right move
then it is
or your faith

don't let a few bad days ruin what you have worked so hard for
ok?

this is a big move for you both and it is bound to stir up insecurities among other emotions

patience, and distance

good thoughts to you, my frien

[Denver_2010]

What LIS said... brilliant.

BITS
Denver

[Bolt]

Bolt,

How are you doing today? Yours was the first thread I read when I first got up this morning. Been thinking about how to respond.

Your reactions, your feelings, they are all normal. I'm not going to talk you out of them. You are trying to protect yourself and that's ok.

I really suggest, though, that you slow things down a bit. Not just with your interactions with your W, I mean in your mind also. You have to be ready that things like yesterday might happen again, but it is not all gloom and doom. It's just a part of the process. People get stuck in these cycles that they find very difficult to get out of. Your W is stuck in one of those cycles. And I agree she might be disillusioned about what love is. But, she is acting mostly on impulse right now... she doesn't realize that she is stuck in a cycle. She is not as mindful of her feelings, actions, interactions as you are because you are a lot more educated in this process. I'll tell you for me, I'm stuck in cycle behavior too. I got into detach mode too well and now I am stuck trying to get out of it in reaction to my H's request for reconciliation. I was not ready. It's the same thing with your W.


LIS

Thanks a ton, LIS. I hope I can repay the support once I get in a little better place. Being sick and having this happen is slowly destroying me.

The question I have is do I detach? I'm afraid to right now because if I do, I'm afraid I'll become the WAS. I'm getting tired of fighting - feeling so close to just working through it and then have the news come from her.

Right now the only thing I'm thinking about is what she said about me being her best friend. I'm scared to death that no matter what happens, I will never be her lover/husband again. I'm not sure I can bring those loving feelings back.

You are right and I am going to do it - giving space. But that comes with detachment. My way of dealing with that is to remove my feelings for her because I felt we were going down the right path.

Am I thinking too much? I'm trying to slow down but man, it's hard.

I really want to continue what I was doing minus the smothering part. It makes me so mad that I have to work out of my home now. I thought that by being around my family would make us stronger. It has made me and the kids stronger but because of the last few weeks, I've been very focused on the W...

I NEED to focus on me but right now, I don't know how. I've totally lost my identity recently. It's funny because just the other day, I was digging this new guy I'm becoming. Right now? I hate him...

[Sad_but_happy]

"I'm not sure I can get those in love feelings back."

You know Bolt, human nature is amazing! One S acts and the other reacts. One S pushes and the other pulls. Look at everyones sitch. ALL our S act the same way and all us LBS's react the same way.

All I can tell you is that DB works. My W said the most hurtful things 4 months ago. I've now left har alone for three months and it's worked wonders. We are again ML often and this morning she said "I love you" to me first for the first time.

Now it's time for you to act and her to react. It's time to stop letting our WAS's lead. If we lead they will follow.

[lostinscared]

I LOVE the new guy that you have become. So stop thinking that. This tough guy exterior that you used to portray... the one who could just say screw it, I can find someone better, is not a good person. YOU, Bolt, are a GREAT person. Now, that doesn't mean that if you decide it's not working for you, that you're a bad person. If you do decide that, you are doing that with a lot of love and introspection in your heart. But, I don't think that is what you want. All you want is to stop the pain. Understand what is motivating you and your feelings right now: pain. Pain is an effective motivator, however, it yields bad results. Let putting your marriage back together be your motivator.

Bolt, I don't think there is enough info out there for the reconciliation phase. I think that is where you and I are struggling a bit. I think that you just need to recognize that and understand that there isn't anything wrong with you. You just need some more support.

Do you detach more? Yes, but I don't think in the way you think. I mean I am pretty concerned you are saying you've lost your identity. Does that mean that you've wrapped your entire self and sense of being around saving your marriage? If so, then yes, you need to work on that and detach yourself from the outcome. Do you detach in that you distance yourself from your W? I don't think that is the right thing to do. She's insecure and she's lost and I don't see how doing that is going to help. You can still give her space while making sure that your thoughts, words and actions are always conveying that you are there for her.

Will you do me a favor? Go buy a book called Hold Me Tight. I'm reading it right now as it was one that was suggested on the Piecing Forum. It is providing me a lot of insight about what caused the breakdown, about patterns of conflict and about building the bridges back. Then go rent the movie Rudy and re-learn what persistence is all about. We have a movie theatre in my gym and it was playing the other day and man, I got my fight back!

We're all here walking with you. You're still an inspiration to us all. I really, really would like to hear from the vets on this, though.

I'm praying for you.

LIS

[grr]

that's sad, because we all dig you...alot

you have not lost your identity

you know who you are

you are strong...so strong....a lesser man would have thrown in the towel a long time ago

not you - you know what you want and you are going after it
the problem therein lies in just how to do this

this is new territory

it makes us second guess ourselves and who we are

we need to find the person that we are at our core

the person our spouse fell in love (thanks 2step) and could not live without

you are also funny (women love funny)

you are sensitive - moving to your w hometown has got to be tough for you, but you are looking after her needs

and i'm sure very handsome, with or without a cold

tho the last one doesn't much matter after a time, does it?

it's hard to not focus on what we perceive as a negative, BUT there has been so much positive in your situation

focus on that

romantic love is cyclical
you must know that
she will feel that again
especially for women i think....lets face it, you guys can feel that sexual urge no matter what
but when things are not good for us, we shut that part of us down
as things progress and they will, she will not be able to keep her hands off of you
just give her the time and space she needs
and my support for you across my time and space

[LearningPatience]

The question I have is do I detach? I'm afraid to right now because if I do, I'm afraid I'll become the WAS. I'm getting tired of fighting - feeling so close to just working through it and then have the news come from her.

Bolt,
I was afraid of the exact same thing happening while detaching. That's one reason I moved back into our house while my W was away for xmas. I've realized since then that we were actually getting closer while apart, strange as it sounds. The detachment and space was what was drawing us back together.

I've found since then that I still love my W unconditionally. I still have my ups and downs and doubts from time to time, but in my heart and gut I feel things will work out in the end. It looks like I'll be moving back out soon, but in a strange way I think it will help us.

I guess my point is don't worry about detaching. If you do love your W, unconditionally, it will still show through and you will 'win' no matter what the outcome.

Funny, my W said the other day that she was afraid that she'd want me back but I would already have moved on. I suspect your W feels that way inside also (or will soon enough).