I did respond. I told him the journal was a rant journal and private. He's going to come over tonight so that we can talk about the journal and why he felt it was okay to read through it. I don't know what he's doing and honestly, I don't think he does, either.
One day I think I am a second choice/security blanket. The next day I think he's majorly confused and doesn't know what he wants or is doing.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Where did he find the journal? This is a good opportunity to talk about the things you find wrong in the marriage and have him open up to his side. Validate.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I did speak with him about some things, but mostly I listened to him. He has apologized (more than once) for the things he's done in our marriage and I do believe that he is sorry. He already knows what I feel was wrong in our M, we've been over it multiple times. I'm tired of talking and ready for action, although I am telling myself to be patient. I also think he's come to a level of clarity about the fact that his attitude and actions in the marriage were wrong.
A few of his main concerns seem to be:
1.) Why did he treat me so poorly? 2.) If we get back together at some point, will things just go back to the way that they were, with him treating me that way again? 3.) It's hard for him to face the judgment of my family and friends after everything that has transpired. 4.) He feels like I over-analyze his actions and look down on him for the things that he has done. ---------------------------
All that being said, the things he read in my journal just throw everything into a sort of tizzy. I mean, the stuff in there is every bad thought I have. I literally poor them out into my journal. So, if he's walking around thinking any of that is true, I don't know how it will affect our relationship.
I also wrote a lot about DB strategies and plans in it, so all my LRT'ing and DB'ing plans are laid bare for him to see, which is not good, either. I definitely feel as if I lost ground here. I can't do anything but wait and see what happens.
So, that's where we are.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Well, last night was eventful. H and I had a two-hour long convo discussing things. I could write a long, drawn out post, but I will keep it short. Kind of because all of the details are moot, but mainly because that time when he went through my phone, he found a link to this board and has been reading my posts - and will probably read this one, too.
He basically told me that I was a very good wife and he was not a very good husband. He said that I put my everything into our relationship and he did not. He said he treated me the way "no human being deserved" and that he hated himself every day for it. He treated me that way because of my weight gain, but not because of how I looked. While I gained weight, I stayed attractive, but just the fact that I had gained/was gaining made him angry and he used that anger as a reason for treating me poorly and he was wrong.
Leaving, for him, was not about my bad behavior, but about him taking a step to finally like himself. He said that now he wakes up every day and he feels good about himself because he doesn't have to treat me poorly or hurt me. Despite how it might sound, this is truly his reality and truth.
I think this was why I had such a hard time identifying what I had done that I could change to make the M better, one of the basics of DB'ing and any sort of marital recovery.
So, where I go from here, I'm not sure.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Reviving my thread, just to let everyone know that it's been a month since I last posted and I am doing okay. Separation is a roller coaster, emotionally. I am coming to grips with the fact that everything is well and truly out of my hands.
Hope everyone else is hanging in there!
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
thatgirl...Just got caught up with your sitch. While I don't have the experience and understanding to be able to offer suggestions, I do want you to know I am thinking about you and will pray for you later today. I hope you have peace in your heart and the strength to get through each day.
I have a feeling that I am going to go through much of what you have very soon. My H is moving out on April 2nd. He dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb on 1/25. He has been adamant that the reason he is leaving me is because he is unhappy with our marriage, yet cannot cite exact reasons why he is unhappy with me. He just says that the fact that he is no longer "in love" with me is a problem and he needs to do some soul searching alone.
He still wants to text, talk once per week, and keep keys to my apartment to visit our cat once weekly. I gained a lot of strength from your posts as I can relate to a lot of it. I had gained a lot of weight after getting married 3 years ago and have lost 65 lbs since last summer and it fixed NOTHING!! I really thought that our lack of sex was because of my weight, and even after reaching my goal, he told me that he no longer looks at me in that way and is not attracted to me. As you said, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want or love me. Easier said than done, I know.
I am new to all of this, so I don't have much advice to give. However, I would like to thank you for sharing your words of wisdom and giving me strength for what I know is going to be a very difficult time for me. Please keep the updates coming! I would love to continue following your sitch.
Me: 35 H: 33 M: 3 1/2 years, together 6 years No kids Bomb #1: ILYBNILWY 1/25/11 Signed 6 month lease: 3/16/11 Separated: 4/2/11 I'm moving..alone: 9/27/11
