Piecing is almost harder than before...

[Harrier]

XYZ

It's part of the process. The problem is when you try to compare to other situations. You only know your own situation with the parties individual idiosyncrasies.

You have to ask yourself what is "real progress?" is it sex? what is it? I would say that for many of us it is feeling good and secure about our Ms. All the ILY, kisses and hugs aren't going to make the feelings magically appear. Yes, they are reflections of those feelings and God knows I yearn for them too.

It's not a straight line progress. It's slow, it s*cks, it's painful. My wife gave me this - if you broke your arm you wouldn't want to go try to use it right away. What would happen if you did? How is this different? Whether we want to admit it or not our marriages were broken. It needs to heal and heal properly.

Of course my wife and I got off on a tangent about at some point you have to "test the arm."

Honestly, I think about deadlines and giving up. But in the end the only thing I want is a strong marriage/family with my W.

I feel that my situation is a little more secure that you or bolt's because my wife says stuff like "you are the guy I love," and 'she wants/thinks we will have a good marriage. She hasn't wavered on that at all. My biggest issues that I get frustrated, mad or sad and I do feel it and express it. My W doesn't' express emotions like I do adn I feel that if I dont' see it from her she must not be feeling it. (That is wrong)

As for you the card was wrong. (2x4) You gave it to her in the hopes of getting a reaction or an expression of love. It was too much pressure. I had a similar incident when I texted my W ILY and didn't get the response I hoped for.

For now, put it behind you. Be glad there are no more Holidays coming up. I struggled with Xmas and on V-Day I struggled too, but I handled things with my W so much better. No presents, just enjoyed skiing with her and gave her space when needed.

[XYZ]

JTB - At the risk of asking you to rehash something spelled out in your posts (you have almost 10,000 of them!), would you mind giving a little recap of the ups and downs with time frames from your sitch? I'm sure this type of 2 steps forward, 1 back; fear and anxiety on behalf of the WAS; I'm in, I'm out; I want it, I don't, I don't know; etc etc is normal, but it sure would be nice to see an example of that from someone that was ultimately successful...

[XYZ]

I wish there was a map to follow...

[Bolt]

I really no longer know if I'm piecing or DBing. W still says ILY, but zero affection now. Not even a hug and cheek kiss. It feels like she's going the wrong direction. I'm backing off too. I was so hopeful just two days ago and now not so much....

man, maybe if we double team this issue, we can both get our Ws back.

It's so odd that we're exactly in the same space. The only difference is my wife still gives me a kiss goodbye (at least this morning) and did a lot of the other affection recently but hasn't said ILY in over 2 months...

I'm confused as to what stage I'm in as well...

[XYZ]

Harrier - if I broke my arm, I'd know that it wanted to heal and we both had the same goal.

And a broken arm sure as hell hurts less. lol.

[XYZ]

Wanna know something really funny? So my wife is a therapist, right? She was telling me last night about how she told a patient yesterday that they have 4 choices: (a) change how you think, (b) change how you feel, (c) solve the problem, or (d) stay miserable.

I wanted to YELL "DUUUUUHHHH. Take your own advice!" OMG. I had to bite my tongue to avoid laughing out loud at the irony.

[XYZ]

Bolt - you know the thing with the ILY? My wife tells her best friend of 20 years that she loves her when she hangs up the phone. She has a step brother 3000 miles away that she sees once a year. She said recently that she loves him (but he drives her crazy). These are all great, but it makes me really wonder about what it means when she tells me that she loves me. I'd swap the ILY for a kiss any day, because she doesn't kiss her brother or her friend, that used to be just for me.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

XYZ,

Harrier is right about comparing yourself to others.
And I really hate the definition of 'success' although I understand it. You'll dislike it too when some of your friends here, are successful...just not married.

10K post I know, and wading through all the, "Good job" posts or the frivilous crap...

Left click on my name, click topics created, that will give you a much shorter list, it will also...give you better insight into how I was feeling at the time. Right now if I do it, I'm going to sound like a history teacher telling you about the Magna Carta.

Guys, I believe in piecing, when you guys are rebuilding or whatever you want to call it, your concerns about the marriage are just as valid as hers. You're not taking her back no matter the cost. "No sex?! OK! As long as your home!"
F that.
I'm not saying rush in, but it has to be on the table.
Her concerns and your concerns are of equal import.

[Bolt]

jtb, you're right about each concerns being of equal importance but when?

According to my W, I've been selfish the last 6 years and she's been looking to get out at least the last 4. It wasn't until she dropped the bomb did I actually get it.

Now that I do, it almost seems too late. I'm DBing/thought I was piecing/now not sure for not too long but my needs are definitely not getting met. I guess we just take it until we can't take anymore?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

When you guys are truly committed to being married, anything before that? You have some proving to do to her.

And you know, maybe not even right away. A marriage ultimately is a contract...piecing is a renegotiation of that contract, or a new one.

I do not see taking them back without any regard to your wants, needs or concerns, as being "successful"
Its a matter of timing, and communication, alot of the things you hopefully learn as an LBS.

"Wax on, Wax off" type of stuff.