Upset

[Queen_of_Swords]

Syclla,

I'm sorry I couldn't post more earlier. My daughter needed me.
I thank you for your response and caring MsRae. No apologies are necessary. Meat space life always trumps online life.

There is nothing boring about what you are going through. Nothing.

You are devastated and with reason.

Try not to project what you THINK may happen. You really don’t know what tomorrow will bring. With MLC you know that he could change his mind in the morning.
I am really trying not to. I pray this parenting course is the 2X4 needed to shake him awake. This isn't funny, it isn't a minor thing. It will affect us all for the rest of our lives.

You have read the resources and you know what you’re up against. You KNOW this stuff.

IB is right. You showed up every day. He doesn’t have the guts, yet, to face what got him here in the first place. You have been fearless in facing the demons that have haunted you. I hope that you continue to be.
I'm committed to it. I don't want to live life as an overwhelmed child in an adult body anymore. It's exhausting and it was killing me.

It’s my nature to try to relate to people with my own life stories. I’d like to share one with you.

My adopted D14 has had a crummy life. Her mom was a drug addict. Crystal meth. She is in recovery now and building her life back together. Her dad, who she calls dad, is not her real father. She doesn’t even know his name. She’s the product of an affair. Her mother lost custody of her when she was 7. Her dad signed custody over to her 19 year old sister four years ago. He is a nice guy, I guess. He’s just more interested in blowing up mountains in Utah looking for relics and artifacts.

D14 has crossed every line I have ever drawn for her. My bio kids look at her like SHE has MLC about half the time.

D, don’t smoke pot. Smoked it.
D, don’t drink alcohol. Drank it.
D, don’t smoke cigarettes. Smoked them.
D, don’t mess around with boys, they’ll tell you anything to get what they want. Messed around at 12!! Not sex, according to Clinton, but close enough for me.
D, don’t send those kinds of pics to boys. Sent them.

My kids tell me I am the mom from The Blindside. Except I am really short with almost black hair.

By the time, I found out about the pics, I was ready to pull my own hair out.

Her and I sat down in the middle of the living room floor. I made her look at me.

I said, “What I am about to say does not mean that I think your mom and dad are bad people.”

Instant tears on her part.

“You know that I have said for years that your mom didn’t get up one day and say-I’m going to become a drug addict, lose my kids and ruin my life. It never happens that way , D.”

Do you think you can talk to my H. this way? I am only joking a little bit. I sincerely want to ask him exactly when he decided working on our relationship wasn't worth his time, care and energy, of course I kinda know he stopped loving me when I had our second child, about a decade ago.

Poor baby was bawling by this point.

“But you know what, D, we all want to be picked. We all want to be the one that someone chooses. We want that boy to pick us. We want friends that pick us over that girl that stabbed you in the back. Everyone wants that.”

I said, ”Your parents should have picked you. They really should have picked you. Picked you over drugs. Picked you over looking for stuff that half the time isn’t even real. And I am so sorry that they didn’t.”

She was crying so hard she was hiccuping. “Here’s the deal, babe. We DID pick you. I picked you, dad picked you, D16, D15 and S12 all picked you. It hasn’t been enough though. You’re still looking for something to fill that hole in your gut. Nothing ever will. NOT until YOU pick YOU and then you let God fill it. We ALL have the hole and you picking you and letting God fill you up is all that will EVER fill it.”

I laid it all at God's feet last night. This is out of my hands entirely. There is NOTHING I can do. Anything I have done and do now is pretty much irrelevant. I cannot change H.'s path, and I can't make him choose me, our children or love's path.

She is getting there. Baby steps.

Syclla, you wanted him to pick YOU.

He did pick me. Then he dumped me, like trash. The once shiny, new and treasured toy...used, damaged, and marked. I'm no velveteen rabbit...I always was real.

I so get it. I want my H to pick me too, but if he doesn’t I’m going to be ok. Dreams will die and a life that we made will be gone. But I’ll have different dreams then. Yes, it will break my heart, but it will mend. You are going to be ok.
Maybe I'll be ok. I'll survive.

You picked your kids everyday.
And I still do. They are young. They need guidance, protection and affection. They need a mother. They need a father too ( but I can't do his part).

You picked working on yourself instead of running away.

You picked staying and working things out.

You picked YOU.

He doesn’t even know he needs picking.

OH please, someone just shake him already!