Don't have time to talk about this now, but it's something I've just thought of that I feel is really important so I want make a note and write more about it later.
I have not yet given Beckie the wedding ceremony she desires, and I have not consistently given her the quality of passion and intimacy she desires.
It is now crystal clear to me why weddings are so important to her, even though she was willing to drop her standards and settle for something less with me. Going down to the department of motor vehicles to get the license, followed by dinner at The Bone Fish Grill and some mediocre sex was...when I look back upon it now, was disgraceful.
Just as giving yourself to someone sexually is best when held and recognized as being sacred, giving yourself to someone completely and for life must be marked by ceremony.
It must begin on solid ground.
Beckie and I have a wonderful friendship. Indeed we are the best of friends. And, she deserves so much more than I have given her these past four years.
Time for me to stop whining about her lack of commitment and support, to stop focusing on my fears and failures, and to continue focusing on doing the things I must, to turn this ship around.
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
- William Ernest Henley
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
