Well...thought I would just update...have been very busy at work, so I apologize for not visiting my old and new friends...
Well..I finnally talked to h ..if anyone was following, I had talked to our Pastor last week, and she kinda inspired me to talk to h, things she said lead me to think he had talked to her...so I called him about a new matress set that I am getting..and said that I would like to talk..he said he didn't think there was anything else to talk about..I did not want to do it over the phone, but I started talking..so we did..I told him that I did not want a d, but that I would not fight him..he did not answer too much during the conversation..so a positive that he did not cut me off and say that his mind is made up..I pretty much just stated all the changes we have made and the realizations that I have learned and how we both have become better people because of all this..he agreed..we talked about Christmas..I asked him if he even wanted to spend it with me..he said he was waiting for an invitation..of course that threw me..so I said "from who", "my sister"..(as we had talked about not wanting to go to her house)he just laughed and said "no", I then said" Your mother"?..then I realized he meant from me..I cried and said "of course you are invited, but you don't need an invitation to come here. So I guess he wants to be with me...or at least our kids..All this after I had said I don't want a d..a good sign??? who knows..I do feel better that I said the things I have been wanting to for along time.
I was so trying to control my emotions...to not fall apart..but I did tell him that I had gone for my mammogram, and the tech saw some area that she wanted to do some extra films that were a little different than usual....of course it scares you...h said that maybe becasue I have lost weight, it could affect it...it really helped when he asked when they would let me know...I said I hope if somehting is wrong they will call soon, otherwise you get a card with ok on it..
So my friends, I do believe he still cares..just that he beleives the m is over..or is afraid to lose what he has now.
You are so brave to have initiated this conversation. Of course he still cares. How could he not. He's confused. Give him time. You are doing great. I'm proud of you.
Sue: He cant fogott the wonderfull and special woman you are...!!... even in the more alocated crisis...!! and about your mammografy, good luck, you will see there is nothing wrong... Andrea
Just checking in! My D isn't final yet, but I believe it is etched in stone! We couldn't mediate an agreement, so it looks like it goes to trial on Jan 26th. When she realizes she won't be able to retire a millionaire, maybe, just maybe it will finally wake her up, but I'm not counting on it!
I'm glad you called your H, and to see you are still "hoping" I'm just about ready to give up all hope, but don't you dare! Your H was waiting for an invitation. If you would have stayed "dark" He would think you didn't love him????? (Isn't that what we're supposed to make them think???) Sometimes I don't get it!
Now let's hope he doesn't chicken out. Maybe have the kids call him and tell him they're glad you will all get to spend Christmas together! It is going to be VERY tough on you and weird!!! But you KNOW what to do! Treat him as you would any other guest, well maybe a special guest! Look your best, smile, and I know you will prepare on heck of a dinner, can I come??? You might want to ask him to bring something. Desert? Favorite wine? Cuban bread?
I wouldn't start hounding him now, because you're happy he's coming. Maybe a call to bring something, NO R talk! And one more time, just to "firm up" the schedule! I hope it turns out to be a great time for everyone! And don't go overboard with a gift! Pistachios??????
Tony: You are so right when you talked about going dark... on this ocassion not going dark function... it seems some times our own situation counts more than any andrea
Good day Sue, I'm so glad to hear that you have talked. The whole thing around the invitation is a case in point where the lack of communication nearly shut the door. The whole thing about him waiting for an invitation is two fold, but they both put an emphasis on you having to make more "first" moves.
First, he is sure that he wants to spend Christmas with you, but he was waiting to hear from you that you want to spend it with him. I think this can be use to give some insight into his thoughts on the "bigger" picture. I think you need to come up with some 180's that show what you feel about him. How would it go over if you ask him on a date?
The second part is there definately seems to be a wall there when it comes to communication...
Quote: ..so I said "from who", "my sister"..(as we had talked about not wanting to go to her house)he just laughed and said "no"...
The current pattern of interaction seems to lend to a lot of guessing / mindreading going on for both of you which will lead some incorrect ASSumption being made on both sides. I don't know if you H even sees it, but I think you are gonna have to be the first to start tearing down that wall by not requiring of him to guess or mindread your thoughts and let him know you are genuinely interested in hearing about his thoughts too. Hopefully, by opening up more will lend to him doing the same and then that wall will come tumbling down.
I'm so glad you told him about not wanting the D! It does seem he is very hesitant about so many things. Why do I always post after KAW? He's just to wise, so I'll just second what he said.
It sounds like you have done a bunch of 180s for your own personal life, but what 180s can you do with your communication styles?
I like the date idea, it worked for me. Ellie's suggestion was something with adrenaline--scary movie, go karts, we did laser tag, it was a blast and something we had never done before.
Thanks..guys and gals..no KAW I am really busy and feeling stressed..this new computer thing at work is holding us up on our daily work...and since I have grasped it better than a few others, I am the one they ask for help...have to go in this weekend to try and catch up...plus I do a side thing of selling cookies at this time of year and have 100 dozen for next week.....but if these are the worst things to deal with we would all be lucky...
H called me at work the other day for nothing real important..maybe small talk about some cookie order, but he has not done that for a long time..actually called me a second time and appologized for bothering me again..I said no problem..there is a couple from our church who are a little "slow", and he has kinda taken them under his wing..the wife comes to our dinners on Wed. nights, but only if my h is there to sit with her, well he was not going to be there, so he asked if i would be willing to help her find someone to sit with..I said sure..I did go and sit with her...so h felt comfortable enough to ask me to do that..he could have asked any number of people there to do that..so I feel good.
I am giving him our queen bed this weekend..it seems kinda sad to me..but I will survive..I ask myself if it is hard to give the bed up, what the he** am I going to do if a d is the ultimate end to all this..guess jsut take each step along the way/and I thought I was strong enough for anything.
Did get good news on mammogram..so am going to call h and share it with him, since he seemed concerned for me..and reassured me that it probably would be ok.
