I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

You know what Wii, in a couple of years, depending on my situation, would I chip in for the girls to go on vacation?

If it was just her and the girls, or her the girls and her mom?

Maybe.

If there was a guy involved. No. Is that wrong? I'm not sure, but that's definite boundary I've drawn.

I have gone to co-dependency classes. I know what it is. It's a long process to wean yourself from someone.

Remember, she didn't go to court seeking every single dollar she'd likely win. She willingly offered less on child support and less on insurance. Perhaps it was her guilt. Would I be as charitable? I don't think so. I'm very bottom-line driven.

One of the things I've learned in the past couple of years is that I struggle saying "thanks" to those that are close to me. I'm quick to thank and compliment casual friends or coworkers.

But thank my mom, my sister, my wife, my step mom -- hard for me. I'm not sure why. I think it's a result of my parents divorce. I don't want to feel vulnerable and allowing others to do things for me is being vulnerable.

The only people I've really shown unconditional love to are my daughters.

I listened to a sermon our pastor gave last year -- two words that change everything: thank you. And I'm trying to be thankful for everything in my life.

The divorce [censored] -- but I never thought I'd be lucky enough to marry someone like STBXW in the first place. I'm thankful for the good years we had. Looking back -- I'd do it again.

Not getting to tuck my girls in every night [censored] -- but I'm grateful I have to beautiful daughters who I'm closer to now perhaps than ever before. I've learned a lot about how to listen and not talk, not to fix things, to let others work things out on their own and I've put them into practice with D8 and D11.

Having to work three jobs to get by [censored] -- but the summer running race job keeps me in shape and puts me in downtown Chicago six weekends a summer. That's cool. In the winter, I get paid to watch high school basketball games. It seems at every game I run into a ref, coach or parent that I grew up with. That's fun.

Having to donate plasma for that little bit extra [censored] -- there's not a lot positive to say there other than I'm glad it's an option.

Living in a small house [censored] compared with where I used to live -- but I'm next door to my uncle and his pool and I know everyone in a three block radius. It's better than an apartment, it's a beautiful street and my daughters like it so much they want me to "buy" it when I can.

I could go on. I have to stop blaming STBXW for my life. I made all the choices that landed me here -- from marrying STBXW, to staying here instead of pursuing better jobs in other states, to buying her a thoughtless Christmas present that I'm still trying to live down, to buying the house that is now an anchor around our necks. I may have felt pressure on some of those decisions, but ultimately they were my decisions.

Maybe I'm just being sentimental. Tonight, I got the letter my attorney has drafted for her attorney to push the divorce forward. No more waiting. Let's get it done. She'll get it sometime next week. It'll change the dynamic a bit and it hurt to read it -- but I wasn't devastated like I was last year every time I got a letter from her attorney.

Do I deep, deep, deep down cling to hope that she'll change her mind? Yes. There's always going to be that .0000005 percent of me that won't give up. That's part of what makes me me. I admit it, and I believe most people on these boards have that feeling to.

Perhaps some of my better mood is because I know she's struggling -- and I feel very guilty about that. I always felt I wasn't the reason for her unhappiness and she'd find that out eventually. She may never say it though. We both struggle to admit when we are wrong.

Lord, divorce is a tough thing. You don't want to see the person who was the center of your universe fall completely to pieces, but you don't want them to thrive either.

I've read others write that true detachment is when you actually root for them to thrive without you. Boy, that's tough and I can't imagine the day it will be like that for me.

I'm just rambling. Been an amazing day at work. Perhaps it's adrenaline. I have to get some sleep so I can get to my 5 a.m. workout class tomorrow.

Life's a process and tomorrow is another chance to get things right.