As the Bolt Turns

[Bolt]

I really wish I could agree with you. I had a great meeting with the therapist and she's very happy about how much I've changed. She said what to say when I got home and I did.

Now I'm in the guest room. She still thinks that time apart is what is best.

She says that I'm smothering her by being around all of the time. I'm here because this is where I work. I'm here because NOT being here is what got us in this mess.

Guys? I think I'm done. I really think that no matter what I do, it won't work. I'm starting to detest her because she can't get over the past and has this f'd up way of dealing with things. Why am I putting myself through it?

I can't go from feeling pretty good about the sitch to thinking its over.

Here, I can make it easier. Move away but you aren't taking the kids. Let the battle begin.

Sorry - but I don'....

Ok...that was very weird.

I could have just erased all of what I typed and said what comes next but I wanted to get my entire thought down.

She actually interrupted me when I was typing to talk more. She said she wanted to let me know how she felt so I let her.

She felt smothered and had enough. She also was afraid that when we move, we may still separate and how could we afford it?

She said that she felt we were best friends and she never wanted to lose that. She said she didn't want to lose her best friend. She's still hung up on what love really is.

We talked a little about what love meant. She mentioned our bible group that we're a part of and how we aren't like them. I explained that we're the oldest/longest married of the group. Most of them are babies - less than 2 years married - they are still in the honeymoon phase and THAT is what my W thinks is love.

I then kinda took a little stand. Not demanding but asking:

Here's what I said.

You have to give us a fair chance. You're too afraid of what COULD happen instead of working on what you WANT to happen. You have to tear just a little of the wall down to let me in. Experience the love that I'm giving you and let it happen. Don't tamp down those feelings for fear of getting hurt. Let it go.

She didn't fully agree to that but did say that she does want to work on it. She said that she won't talk about separating anymore.

I asked her to tell me to get the heck out of the house if I'm smothering her. She said, "It's not fair for me to ask you to leave." I said, "Don't worry about that! You need space, I give space."

(breathe in)

so now we continue the saga that is boltdom...