today and why do i even want him?

[grr]

i'll start with today
h, at his house (which is really our new house- i am with my parents) had fixed up a music studio for our little boy
he wanted me to bring s over so we could see his reaction
then called me 2x while he was out telling me when to come
called a third time to tell me i could park in the driveway because he left room for me
when i got there he gave me a hug
when we saw sons reaction to room he gave me another, sort of a more intimate one
then led me to basement to see his work, but if i had any thoughts that he was having 2nd thoughts he quickly quelled those with, "well let me know if you are going to be living here or is it going to be my house"
i get confused sometimes and don't know how to react
can these even be considered baby steps or my h just trying to be a good guy
help
also i am trying to detach by remembering some of his bad behaviour
he is probably the most self absorbed person i have ever met
remember he is the lead singer in an established rock band
that kinda goes with the territory i guess
when he is on the road, it's all about him
but i can give 3 quick examples and i'm just venting here

when my dad had a major stroke, he did not even consider flying home with me..and my brother in law had to tell him it would be a nice thing if he waited in the airport with me til my flight left

when i was pregnant, the doctor thought there was something wrong with my son and wanted me to come in once a week for a sonogram
the first morning i had to go, h came in from tour the night before and because my appointment was so early did not even offer to come with me (he knew i was afraid)

last year i had to have a small "girl procedure done"
he drove me there and left, when the nurse called him to say i was done and to pick me up (i was put out and could barely walk) he pulled up in front and honked the horn..the rn went out and was very curt with him and he couldn't understand why

these might seem like small things, i don't know...i never really shared them
but there are many more instances where i was never considered
most often not

i will probably read this back and it might seem trite

maybe not

i hope all of my bits who have had a bad day or 2 are back on track

much love from me,
to you,
where ever you may be

[2stepboogie]

I don't think it is a small thing at all. There is little doubt he has done his ahole moves throughout grr we all have. When you sit and think do you remember more bad than good?

When I first started to detach (or so I thought) I did the same thing. I would think about all the things that would irritate me about my W. This helped me a little because I would get angry and suddenly the pain was not so bad.

I realized that the anger was taking me to a place I did not want to go, so I stopped. Just like that. I realized detaching with anger is not detaching at all, it is creating resentment.

There must have been a lot of good in the M, if not, why are you trying to save it? Why do you hurt so bad?

I only caution you to not detach by remembering the bad, that will not do you any good.

The pain is awful, I know but it will not kill you.

Who was the girl he fell in love with?

Find her!

You have a great opportunity to show changes, a chance I wish I had, so use it and embrace it

[zengypsy]

grr..

my sister....I just don't know what to say. Talk about a mind F?!

Listen, I've worked with national act bands myself. And yes, you have a point that the singer (and guitar player) are usual pretty self-absorbed. They have the biggest egos in the band which is prob why when you here that a band breaks up it's because of conflict with the singer an guitar player. But does that give your H a free pass? NO!!! I think alot of these musicians start with a "stage" persona vs. what theya re like in real life. At some point I think those 2 personas bleed into one another and their reality gets so warped they end up not really knowing who they truly are anymore. Maybe this is what happend to your H.

It sounds like the room for your son was the bomb and that he was so over the moon about it. Just remember that reaction your son had. I'm sure it was a proud mom moment for you as well. To look at your son and see for a brief moment how the little things can really take you away from all the bs even if it's for a few short seconds. It would be worth it to me if I had kids.

I'm praying for you grr. You have been a good friend to me on these boards. I hope we can meet someday and under much better circumstances.

YOU ROCK grr. Don't let anyone else tell you differently.

[Denver_2010]

I don't think that those things are small or trite grr! Not at all. It does sound like the crap that I would pull though. Unfortunately.

As far as your confusion on your H's behavior or the looks that he gives you... I think that this is pretty normal. Some of it might be H being a good guy... some of it might be the hope inside of you... and some of it might be regret on his part.

For now, your reaction should be the same regardless. Indifference. Indifference to his behavior and/or the looks that he gives you.

I hope that you have a GREAT day tomorrow grr!

BITS
Denver

[Bolt]

grr, I agree with Denver. That isn't trite at all. Unfortunately, he doesn't see it from your side at all. I've been there TONS of times. What's the big deal? I came to the hospital, didn't I? That is selfish for sure.

But also, DO remember all of the other times that were good. I'm having that issue with my W right now. She is ONLY remembering the bad times (rewriting history??).

Stay focused on the good. That will keep you positive in the very least. At the most, it will make him positive as well.

I wish I could say something more insightful and I promise to in the future.

[grr]

thank you my bitsies!
h stayed over last night to help out with some things
he got here pretty late and after a few minutes (it was after 11:30pm) my cel rang
it was a friend of mine from another continent, he was confused about the time difference
he wanted to know how i was and i retreated to the basement to talk to him in private
i was hoping h was curious as to who would be calling me then
but who knows
but it did feel good to have a clandestine convo while he was upstairs

he left this morning for our other house across the country (his hometown)
s and i will meet him there tomorrow

i do have a feeling he won't be staying with us
in fact i'm sure of it
this terrifies me that i have to tell our s someting

and so it goes

[grr]

2step you asked a very good question
why am i trying to save this marriage?
i thought alot about that last night
the number one reason is our son......i want him to have his family together
and i really do love him
i don't know that i feel that romantic kind of love right now
but i believe if we worked on things, that could be rekindled
it has happened before
it is also very interesting, when a few of my BITS tell me that they have some of the same behaviour (spell check tells me that's wrong)
but they are here trying to salvage their relationships and he basically says "i know how i am, but i don't think it's worth it to change"
meaning i'm not worth it i guess
funny, when we were here last year, i told him i wanted him to stop smoking weed
that was a real dealbreaker for him
he said he never would
i guess if this is to work, i have to take him as is
that's something i have to figure out (if he gives the chance)

happy happy tuesday to you all and once again, thanks for reading

[grr]

hey bits???

[Bolt]

heya!
Not too sure what to say right now but if you're half the woman you're portraying on these boards, your H is nuts.


But I will say (or ask, actually) is the reason to stay married because of you S enough?

[grr]

thank you
but this board doesn't even begin to show the wonder of me!!!!!
kidding (maybe?)
bolt you are awesome
xo