I'd like some opinions on my H and some of the odd tendencies he has. I've seen people ask many times about the childhood of the MLC and I want to talk about him a little. I know the focus is supposed to be about me, but at the same time I want to understand why this happens.
According to my H, he had a perfect childhood. I find this very difficult to believe. First, I know that he had a severe drug habit as a teen. Not just smoking weed, but cocaine and acid. He'd told me all the crazy stories. We went to his class reunion several years ago and many people walked up to him and said they were so grateful he was still alive. They really believed he would have been dead by then. It's one thing to hear the stories and another to really see people's reaction to him being alive and well. He was very much the bad boy, daredevil you tell your daughter's to avoid. He always said going into the Navy saved him.
I think my H might be OCD. A mild form of it, maybe? He is personally very, very clean and somewhat of a germ a-phobe. He is also an early stage hoarder and always has been. His parents were too. He has a very difficult time throwing things away, whether there is a sentimental reason or not. We have a box of check duplicates from 1985. In the same breath, he wants me to sell a piano my grandmother gave me when I was little.
For a very long time, his hoarding was contained to the garage. In our last house, you could not walk in the garage AND we had a storage shed. In this house it's a three car garage and his stuff was mostly contained there. Now that the Vette is in the garage, it is now spilling over into his closet. His parents had three storage sheds. Of course, we can't get rid of any of his parents things. We cleaned out one of their sheds and put some of our stuff into that one as well.
He has started to see that something may be wrong with this. He has started to go through things in the garage and throw things out. Our house has too much furniture and he can't part with stuff even if it doesn't fit with the decor or is worn out and broken. Especially if it came from his side of the family. He tried to say the garage was a mess because my stuff was all over the place! That was BS. I had an old chair that was my GM's in there, other than that nothing was mine. I was shocked he would even go there! He was sincerely perplexed when none of the crap was mine. So frustrating.
When you have someone else responsible for all of your life except going to work, it's easy to lay blame on them for anything and everything that goes the slightest bit wrong. My H doesn't even lift the lid on the laundry basket to place his clothes inside. It's kind of insulting. If you hear of a crazy women that has hung her husband from the ceiling fan by his polo chinos-it's probably me. Don't worry Cat, I can't kill spiders much less husbands.
Anyway, anyone else see minor mental disorders before MLC hit? I'd be interested to hear y'alls opinion on this.
I would like to be able to understand him. Maybe that will help me outlast his crisis.
This is a direct quote from my stbxH too. Only I know it's not true. His father was a rip roaring alcoholic who was verbally abusive to most people around him, and physically abusive to at least some of my stbxH's step-siblings. StbxH's siblings and cousins and neighbours all shake their head in disbelief when they hear him say he had a good childhood. Part of what I think (just my .02 worth) is that his dad is sober now and a fantastic guy. He's a really good grampie. And I think my stbxH has issues with trying to deal with his past and ressurect those images and feelings in order to deal with them because they feel like a betrayal to the man his father has become. On top of the alcoholism ... their family was really poor and, well, kids are cruel.
My guess ... all that OCD and hoarding (not to mention eventual drug use) is a cover for something. They might not even be aware of it ... check out my second post on my last thread (the one right before my current one - link should be on my first page) ... what is traumatic for one may not be for another, and vice versa ... it all depends on the coping and communication skills of the person being affected.
Originally Posted By: Rae
When you have someone else responsible for all of your life except going to work, it's easy to lay blame on them for anything and everything that goes the slightest bit wrong.
Yup. I can sooooooo relate to this.
It's part of why I'll never do it again. But the bigger part is because they're men ... husbands .. boyfriends ... whatever. They are grown adults, not children and they need to be trusted to take care of themselves. Period.
BTW ... Rae ... makes me think Ray of Sunshine ... and you are you know ... refreshing. Glad to know you Rae.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Nothing like doing the "Triple Lindy" for a warm up dive huh ?
Maybe stick a toe in to check the temp ?
Ever heard the phrase....A daughter is a Daughter, and is for life, a Son is a son , till he takes a wife ?
When the "prodigal" son returns, he bears gifts. Making up for his absence in some way. Mostly in the form of Grandchildren. When that was interrupted, I would say that your H felt unworthy to his parents in some way. Never mind the reason for now. That he couldn't bring them the one thing he most wanted to bring. Nothing could make up for that in his eyes. He felt a failure.
I would say that could be most of the reason he has trouble letting anything of theirs get away. In his mind, he disgraced them once, and throwing things of theirs away would be totally disrespectful, and add layers of guilt on top of that mountain.
By keeping their things, he is keeping a part of them close.
You have stated that because of the situation with his parents and your Daughter, that being around them was not an option. And as hard as that was for everyone, your H was the one standing in the middle of that. Torn between choices.
I'm not sure you will ever begin to understand his pain with that decision.
Teenage drug use the hard stuff. The bad boy, daredevil you tell your daughter's to avoid. Hoarding.
None of that points to a happy childhood.
Three things off the top of my head: He doesn't consider his childhood any different than anyone elses. He is trying to forget his past. He truely can't remember the problem. Sometimes that does happen. Locked away in the brain, things like abuse, a death...
Happy? Normal?
Read up on hoarding disorders.
It's doubtful.
What you said to your daughter, was beautiful. I had a similar conversation with my oldest son, whom I adopted last Spring, and only with his permission. : )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
EDIT "hole" store. Where people such as yourself like to shop.
Do y'all have any idea how nice it is to laugh?
Mach,
I cannot thank you enough for what you said here. Today is the first day I have ever seen that I was torn too. Between wanting to please him and protecting her. Made me cry. But I needed it.
You have such wisdom that you give to me. In some ways, you are dead on. I think you nailed it about what makes him feel guilty. BUT, his parents were the same way. They were full blown hoarders as well. I think there has to be some kind of connection.
My H has little to no friends outside of work. He is a very solitary figure. He comes home every day and never stops on the way home to have a drink with the boys. It's always been me and the kids.
I guess there was some kind of game he played/knew about when he was a teenager. There was a character called the Berserker or something like that. He always said that I was his berserker tamer. No idea what that is, but obviously, he thought I could talk him off his cliff. Not so much any more.
The positives about my H: He is a very ethical person in all of his business dealings. I have always told him how much I admire that. He's funny. He's a hard worker. He's very smart. He's creative. He makes up songs with popular tunes that are hilarious. When he laughs, it's from the bottom of his toes. (: He's love his kids. But the girls leave him scratching his head most times! He's not afraid to go toe to toe with me. I've always admired him for that.
I'm just trying to hang in there.
I HAVE to stop trying to talk to him. This is my absolute greatest challenge. I've always been able to talk to him about anything. Being here is such a God send. There was no one to talk to until now.
I just wanted to say that what you said to your D14 was one of the most touching and beautiful things I've ever heard said. She is one lucky young lady that you choose her.
I agree with the others that your H's childhood sounds like it may have been far from perfect. I would ask questions about my H's childhood and I always got the same thing, either "I can't remember", or H would change the subject.
You're so sweet. I'm me, not remarkable, just a mom.
I need to vent.
Yesterday, I was in a funky mood for some reason. I spent most of the day getting chores done around the house. I have noticed that I start getting tense when the kids first get home from school bc H will be home shortly thereafter.
I was glad that I caught it, then I could focus on chilling out. By the time he got home, I was in a pretty good place.
Then he started in.
It was one complaint after another. From the guy in the lunch line to the f'ing idiots driving home. I just kept saying, I'm sorry you had to deal with this, that or the other.
What I wanted to do was say out loud-"blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!"
I didn't and I managed to tease him about some other things and he finally started laughing a little. We had nothing going on with baseball practice for my son, or volunteer commitments for me so I started dinner early.
The girls had one of their guy friends over and he stayed for dinner too. We all sat down at the table. It was really nice. We laughed and joked. I rinsed the plates, started the dishwasher and we headed back to our room.
H is planning a trip to watch Spring Training with our S12. When H first mentioned going for Spring Break, I knew I couldn't go and suggested he take our son. I think he was shocked that I was cool with them going, but I really don't mind. I wish I could go, bc I love baseball too, but I have a huge volunteer commitment that week.
Last night he was looking at tickets and trying to decide which games they were going to catch. He made a list and they'll go to one game a day from the 15th thru the 18th. He handed me the list and said, "Buy these tickets, for these dates."
Sure, no problem.
I get on MLB and they have nothing.
Ticketmaster, nothing.
"Hey, H, where did you find these tickets?"
"Oh, on StubHub."
OK, so I go there and find all these tickets. He wants me to use my paypal account but the way the website is configured I'll have to use my primary account which is my checking account and I want to put them on a credit card for protection.
He's sitting next to me and says, "Maybe you should have created a paypal account for me, with MY own email and MY credit card info."
I couldn't hold my tongue for one more second.
"Well, H, maybe YOU should have done that yourself when you found the tickets the first time."
"Yeah, maybe I should have."
I kept my mouth shut, but I was hurting. This is getting silly.
We get in bed. We're facing each other talking and he says, "Well, the london broil was a bit rare, but the potatoes and green beans were perfection."
"I knew you'd find something negative to say." Could NOT stop the words from falling out of my mouth. Yes, I know, not good DB'ing.
He goes to kiss me and I just burst into tears like a big, dumb baby. I didn't have to say anything. He knows.
He said, "I'm just lost right now. It's not you. I'm in a funk. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
I forced myself to stop crying and one thing led to another.
This is hard and I'm not sure that I am any good at this. It feels fake. I feel like I am acting fake. I don't want to pretend that I am in a good mood, when I'm not. I feel like I did before I got help all those years ago. Like there is this bright smile on my face that doesn't quite reach my eyes. For me, this is like stepping backwards. Pretending like everything is ok, when it's not.
I know I must be missing something. What? Tell me.
