As the Bolt Turns

[Boat14]

Hey Bolt,

I have been reading along with you

I really got a LOT of good information from Truegritters threads.


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1954288&page=8


Have you read through them ?

There is a lot of really GOOD information in them...

[lostinscared]

Bolt,

You can do ANYTHING. Remember that. You don't want to, I got that. You can't? I'm not buying. Listen, I'm separated right now in a new place too. I had 0 friends also. I got it. I know the pain. I am doing ok and you will too if that is what you want to do.

You cannot make a single decision right now in regards to this. You are too upset and understandably so. I feel like I was sucker punched and I don't even know you and your wife. I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling.

The other thing is that you do not know what she will say tonight or tomorrow. I think that even when you do settle down a little bit, she might change her mind tomorrow. So I think you need to live with this for a few days and kind of get her temperature.

The important thing right now is that you stay calm. Know that there are a lot of people here to listen to you. Know that there are a lot of people who care about you. Know that there are a lot of people here who want to help you.

Also maybe you can post another thread - Put 911 emergency - need some vets or something. We really need some vets here like Sandi/Jack/others who have been through this reconciliation process. I know you posted on the other forum but not sure how much traffic is over there.

I'm praying for you, sweetie. STAY CALM. No decisions need to be made right this second.

LIS

[grr]

bolt
just want to check in with you
what's going on?
xo

[angel61]

Bolt, it does make sense to me. She has all her support processes in place, you have none. That would put me in a panic as well. Although we are here for you, we are not tangible.

Take a deep breath, Bolt. You have to plan, to have something solid. Since the lease signing is tomorrow, there is so much pressure on you, and on her as well.

What you need right now is time. Is there a way you can buy some from your W?

In my sitch, in emergencies I found that my H was able to set aside some of his issues and work with me as a team. There was a time that because of my devastation I could no longer work efficiently and my boss talked to me and asked me to focus as an important meeting I was organizing was coming up. I sat down with H and asked that we set aside all talk about D, about S, and if we could at least be friends for the time being, it would defuse the tension and make me more focused. It took a lot for me to admit my down moment because I was actually trying to GAL, act as if, and actually he was surprised as he said he thought I was healing and getting stronger, but in the end I told him that I am only human and even if I am trying hard I had my down moments. he did understand and together we pulled through.

I do not know if you are in a position to be able to ask that of your W, only yourself can tell. I also do not know if that is in line with DB techniques, probably not, but when your life and sanity is on the line, I guess anything is worth trying.

[Bolt]

hey, just went for a long drive (won't tell you where:) but you can probably guess)

I did talk to her mom. She's been the voice of reason for us and knows my W almost as well as I do. She told me that she read her the riot act for getting scared. She knows the move is a big deal but deal with it. Who cares? She asked her, do you know how much this guy is giving up to be with you? AND he does it because he loves you not for any other reason.

Her mom told me that the convo went well and that my W was talked off the ledge. She also told me to just roll with times like this.

You guys(gals)are saying the same thing - it's hard but I'm rolling with it.

I totally gave her space and am heading up to my therapist in a second. I tried to not come back home but had to pick something up. I'm hiding in my office now - but she saw me on the way in and was very friendly. I'm putting on a happy face because inside I'm torn up.

Still confused but trying to stay strong.

LIS- you are completely right about the not making a decision now because I do want to run for the hills. Maybe that's where she was this morning - only difference is, she told me instead of thinking a bit more

We shall see...

[lostinscared]

She's testing you right now. Let's just see if the old Bolt shows up. I don't think she's being malicious about testing you. Heck, I don't even think that she understands that this is what she is doing. But that is what's happening.

Yup, she's panicking because of the move. Makes a lot of sense. Whatever you do, Bolt, make sure you shine right now. Do not give even the slightest indication about wanting to run for the hills. Get that under control. She wants to know if you will really be there for her. It's time to shine!!!

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but you are doing great. Stay the course. I know that you are in a lot of pain, but the goal is worth it, right??? Keep your eye on that goal.

I'm praying for you, Bolt.

LIS

[grr]

bolt - lis is so right

things are going to change and she is wondering how you will cope

you need to be brilliant right now

let her stay in her tower, you can still be her knight from a distance

it's a process

it is hard and you are so far ahead of most of us

i wish i were where you are in this

i truly do

sleep well tonight
things will be so much better tomorrow

[Bolt]

I really wish I could agree with you. I had a great meeting with the therapist and she's very happy about how much I've changed. She said what to say when I got home and I did.

Now I'm in the guest room. She still thinks that time apart is what is best.

She says that I'm smothering her by being around all of the time. I'm here because this is where I work. I'm here because NOT being here is what got us in this mess.

Guys? I think I'm done. I really think that no matter what I do, it won't work. I'm starting to detest her because she can't get over the past and has this f'd up way of dealing with things. Why am I putting myself through it?

I can't go from feeling pretty good about the sitch to thinking its over.

Here, I can make it easier. Move away but you aren't taking the kids. Let the battle begin.

Sorry - but I don'....

Ok...that was very weird.

I could have just erased all of what I typed and said what comes next but I wanted to get my entire thought down.

She actually interrupted me when I was typing to talk more. She said she wanted to let me know how she felt so I let her.

She felt smothered and had enough. She also was afraid that when we move, we may still separate and how could we afford it?

She said that she felt we were best friends and she never wanted to lose that. She said she didn't want to lose her best friend. She's still hung up on what love really is.

We talked a little about what love meant. She mentioned our bible group that we're a part of and how we aren't like them. I explained that we're the oldest/longest married of the group. Most of them are babies - less than 2 years married - they are still in the honeymoon phase and THAT is what my W thinks is love.

I then kinda took a little stand. Not demanding but asking:

Here's what I said.

You have to give us a fair chance. You're too afraid of what COULD happen instead of working on what you WANT to happen. You have to tear just a little of the wall down to let me in. Experience the love that I'm giving you and let it happen. Don't tamp down those feelings for fear of getting hurt. Let it go.

She didn't fully agree to that but did say that she does want to work on it. She said that she won't talk about separating anymore.

I asked her to tell me to get the heck out of the house if I'm smothering her. She said, "It's not fair for me to ask you to leave." I said, "Don't worry about that! You need space, I give space."

(breathe in)

so now we continue the saga that is boltdom...

[grr]

i will write more later because my h just walked in and is staying the night (just to help me because i am taking care of my dad alone)

but i really do think you need to breathe and take the advice you gave me

wait 24 hours before saying or doing anything

you will feel differently tomorrow

oh bolt, you have come so far

don't let the anger in
you sounded angry and lets face it, we all understand that

but she is hurting, she is scared
be the strong, amazing man you are

give her her space...i'm sure you think you have been
and you most likely have, but if she needs more, give it
tho' i have a think her feelings of being smothered are from the entire situation

you are about to go through alot
she is most likely projecting her fears onto your marriage

she won't talk about separating anymore??
that is a good, good thing

all the strength and warmth you have given me, right back atcha
xxoo

[Bolt]

grr, I'm praying for and thinking about your sitch as well.

Funny thing...I walk back into the bedroom after everything and say, "Soooo do you want me to sleep downstairs or upstairs in here?"

She says, "Wherever you want to is fine."
I says, "I want to sleep in here. With you."
She says, "That's ok."

man, my mind is just going crazy. Part of me wants to sleep downstairs. I'm not sure why but I do...

We'll see how I feel when I actually fall asleep...