Do you think that I should just dive into using the avoidance? I was thinking more in line as just stating it as a matter of fact that my therapist suggested we use the word due to the heavy tone of the word betrayal. "We have been tossing this word betrayal around pretty loosely. I think it would be better if instead we used the word avoidance instead."
I think it would depend on how it is played out...
IF you are accusing HER of betrayal...yea, take a couple eye patches for yourself , you can put those on when yours are scratched out...
Admitting betrayal in your actions...???
Maybe that is the honesty you have been missing...
Do you think that I should just dive into using the avoidance? I was thinking more in line as just stating it as a matter of fact that my therapist suggested we use the word due to the heavy tone of the word betrayal. "We have been tossing this word betrayal around pretty loosely. I think it would be better if instead we used the word avoidance instead."
I think it would depend on how it is played out...
IF you are accusing HER of betrayal...yea, take a couple eye patches for yourself , you can put those on when yours are scratched out...
Admitting betrayal in your actions...???
Maybe that is the honesty you have been missing...
Fig ? Cat ?
So I have been throwing the word betrayal around pretty loosely to my wife and in our therapy. My wife committed adultery. She had an affair. She betrayed me. She destroyed my heart and our trust. Her actions are why I am here and our marriage is at a breaking point.
Is it now time to take a step back and instead of pointing fingers at the effects of the affair, we try and turn it... you avoided telling me of the affair. You avoided telling me when you were questioning your sexuality before committing the affair? I avoided asking about the affair when I had suspicions and instead checked your email. I avoided telling you when I knew the truth of the affair before I told my parents.
It just sounds weird to me I guess. Almost as if the words don't line up.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Apolgize. If you feel the need to explain, tell her what was going through your head at the time.
Betrayal and avoidance, unless I am missing something, don't even have similar definitions.
Can you explain what you mean by this?
Cat, I agree with you and Figg here. It was just something my therapist tossed out last night. He said that betrayal has an extremely negative tone to it. If I can somehow use the word avoidance instead, it might make the conversation a little less harsh.
Mach brought up a good point as far as using positive language.
It just doesn't add up for me in this circumstance.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I think, if it was me, I don't know if I would use either of the words...
I would simply say, I didn't know what was going on, however I felt something was not right, so I did this. I should have asked you directly. I am sorry.
Honest, direct, no blaming of any sort.
Just my opinion so take it for what it is worth.
I generally am not one to beat around the bush too much.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
it is her choice if she even wants to apologize to you
you betrayed her by digging through her emails and then telling other people about it
how would her affair play into custody anyway? It won't. I have never agreed with people who keep that crap...you are putting it "on the shelf" just like she is doing with OW.
your apology has nothing to do with her actions... your apology has to dowith yours and what brought your marrage to the point where she would feel like she needed to have an affair in order to have her emotional needs met
So I have been throwing the word betrayal around pretty loosely to my wife and in our therapy. My wife committed adultery. She had an affair. She betrayed me. She destroyed my heart and our trust. Her actions are why I am here and our marriage is at a breaking point.
Sorry for being a lil blunt here...but it seems like you are carrying a lot of resentment toward your W here.
1: Yup, you want your marriage and your wife back 2: You feel that your wife betrayed you. I am assuming that you are little upset about this 3: I dunno, but do you feel you are owed some kind of apology?
See if the above are true, then you might be you are not being true to your self. You might first either have to prioritize what you want and execute in that manner, or throw away your resentments, forgive your W fully and move from there on.
To give you an example: My W called me up and told me that she's filed for the divorce on the same day that my grandfather died. She told me right after i told her the news of his death. Yes for 2 days i could not believe and could not forget that she did not even care for a dead person. Oddly though right now it is not a problem for me. I dont mind what she did that day. I just want her back. I know that your situation is more delicate than mine and i can understand what you are feeling.
I think once you forgive your wife or accept the truth of what you want, you might be able to proceed better.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I think, if it was me, I don't know if I would use either of the words...
I would simply say, I didn't know what was going on, however I felt something was not right, so I did this. I should have asked you directly. I am sorry.
Honest, direct, no blaming of any sort.
Just my opinion so take it for what it is worth.
I generally am not one to beat around the bush too much.
Thanks, cat. Honest. Direct. No blaming.
that sounds where I want to be with this.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
it is her choice if she even wants to apologize to you
you betrayed her by digging through her emails and then telling other people about it
how would her affair play into custody anyway? It won't. I have never agreed with people who keep that crap...you are putting it "on the shelf" just like she is doing with OW.
your apology has nothing to do with her actions... your apology has to dowith yours and what brought your marrage to the point where she would feel like she needed to have an affair in order to have her emotional needs met
the affair isn't just about HER betrayal
I am not apologizing to garner an apology in return.
I was simply bringing up the avoidance piece as my therapist brought it up. That is the only time I brought up how the avoidance goes both ways. I was in no way intending that I was somehow forcing an apology from my wife.
My intention is to take responsibility for my actions and mine only tonight. I expect nothing in return.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
So I have been throwing the word betrayal around pretty loosely to my wife and in our therapy. My wife committed adultery. She had an affair. She betrayed me. She destroyed my heart and our trust. Her actions are why I am here and our marriage is at a breaking point.
Sorry for being a lil blunt here...but it seems like you are carrying a lot of resentment toward your W here.
1: Yup, you want your marriage and your wife back 2: You feel that your wife betrayed you. I am assuming that you are little upset about this 3: I dunno, but do you feel you are owed some kind of apology?
See if the above are true, then you might be you are not being true to your self. You might first either have to prioritize what you want and execute in that manner, or throw away your resentments, forgive your W fully and move from there on.
To give you an example: My W called me up and told me that she's filed for the divorce on the same day that my grandfather died. She told me right after i told her the news of his death. Yes for 2 days i could not believe and could not forget that she did not even care for a dead person. Oddly though right now it is not a problem for me. I dont mind what she did that day. I just want her back. I know that your situation is more delicate than mine and i can understand what you are feeling.
I think once you forgive your wife or accept the truth of what you want, you might be able to proceed better.
You are correct Karma. I was being blunt myself to show a point. That resentment is the feelings that I have deep down. Why would you do this to? How could you do this to us? I think these care the natural feelings that come out of discovering your spouse has been having a long affair.
I only brought it up tonight to discuss the betrayal verses avoidance question.
I am not intending to hang it over my wife's head while we work on rebuilding our marriage. If you were to go through my story, I am wanting very badly to get past the affair, rebuild our marriage with forgiveness and trust, and reconcile. This is why I plan on taking responsibility for my actions tonight and apologize. After the apology, I just want to actively listen to my wife.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
