As the Bolt Turns

[Bolt]

just because this harassment talk got me fired up again. Let me share a story that is simply unbelievable and eerily similar to mine.

Names changed to protect the innocent.

Jim was a superior at a company that sold widgets. An attractive woman, Jane, was hired on under him. She reported directly to Jim in the department. Jim was married and outgoing. Jane openly flirted with many men in the office including Jim who openly flirted back.

Jim, Jane and a few coworkers went out to a club. Jane, being attractive, went straight to the front of the line and got Bob, a coworker in as well, saying it was her "boyfriend" to get him in.

Jim texted Jane asking her to get him in. He said that he wished that he was her "boyfriend" so he could get in. She said she could only handle one boyfriend at a time. Jim responded, "Then dump your current boyfriend to be with me."

This was all done in jokes so Jim could get into the club. He did get into the club and they all laughed about it.

A few weeks later, Jane had her quarterly review. Her sales were low and Jim, as her supervisor, had to orally reprimand her as per company policy. Jane understood and said that she would do her best to do better next quarter.

Next quarter comes up and Jane has NOT done better. As a matter of fact, she does worse. Jim now, as per company policy, gives her a written reprimand.

Jane doesn't take this too well. She goes to HR saying that Jim has been harassing her because she denied his advances. She showed the texts from 6 months before about getting into the club.

This was the ONLY texts that Jim had sent to Jane regarding anything except work.

Jim was brought into HR, was told he could either resign or be fired. He explained to HR what happened and HR said, the "perception" was that he was trying to use sexual favors over Jane's head.

Jim resigned.

I promise you that is not my story but the fact that nothing happened and a vindictive underling made false accusations is.

The moral? Not sure. Don't send any texts? Don't talk to subordinates? Don't lunch with any females alone who you aren't related or married to?

This litigious world [censored].

[Bolt]

um...wow...
not sure where to begin...

I posted a little of this on the piecing board because that's where I thought I was...

Well, I don't even know where to begin to talk about what just happened. I'm a little lost.

W just basically told me that she wants to separate. I have no idea where this came from because we were going so good.

We're moving to basically her home town and I think the move is really taking it's toll on her. We're moving for the first time for her and my career is on hold. I'm fine with that because she's the most important thing for me right now.

I'm trying to stay strong but I don't know what to do...

I think this is the time to ask for God's help and to remain patient because she's just feeling the pressure. Maybe this is a test to see if I'm really going to go. I don't know.

She wants us to get separate places in the new place we're moving.

Just THIS MORNING, she rolled over and snuggled with me. I don't know what to think. We had a great day sunday and yesterday. There was some R talk but it was pretty good and very positive.

She keeps saying that she wants this to work but isn't sure if it will. I said me too but I'm going to do anything to make it work.

BITS, I definitely need some help and guidance here. I truly think she's afraid of the move and my motivations. I told her that right now, I am going to fight to the end for us.

She said that she doesn't have those loving feelings for me and isn't sure if she ever will. I told her that she has showed me love so many ways and that I'm being very patient for her to come back to me. In my heart, I feel that she will.

Should I let her go?

f...

[lostinscared]

Oh God, Bolt. And people wonder why I am scared to death that my husband wants to reconcile.

Bolt, there has to be more to this conversation. Are there any additional stressors this week? Are you packing? Was there a downpayment due? What is going on in the house?

My initial reaction right now is that she's confused. She is still talking about you moving with her to hometown but then maintaining separate residences. I'd be more worried if she told you to stay in CA. She is still emotionally shut down. So essentially she's going through the motions with you, but she can't open up. I soooooooooooo understand this!!!! I'm struggling with the same exact thing right now and it is so frustrating. I want my husband back so bad and when he asks me to move back home, I freeze and I can't generate an emotion. He leaves with the impression that I don't want him anymore and I feel even more crappy. DB'ing was easier that this reconciliation stuff. It really is.

When you ask if you should let her go, what are you asking? Let her go for now? Let her go permanently?

Sweetie, I know you are in shock right now, but its time to go back to your original goals and stay the course. Remember, the road back is not straight. Just validate what she is saying. Don't try to convince her that she has those loving feelings toward you. And trust your gut. Meaning, you said in your heart you feel she will come back to you. Well, trust your gut and ride this out.

I'm so sorry, Bolt. I know this is painful. I'm praying for you!

LIS

[2stepboogie]

Bolt,

I don't think this is a uncommon thing to go through the up swing and then down again. You must take a moment to think clearly right now and remove yourself from the sitch.

Where did you make progress?

What did you to achieve that progress?

What have you done different?

I still believe you guys need to move to the next step of getting professional help. DB session maybe?

[Bolt]

LIS, there isn't like ONE thing that caused this. The only thing I can think of differently of what happened between this morning and now is I asked her about this weird workout contraption I saw. It was a mask that is used to measure your anabolic rate or whatever.

I saw something in the newspaper this morning and asked her about it. She said, what are you going through my stuff? I said, umm...no, I just saw it a few days back and wondered what it was. She wasn't defensive but it did seem odd.

I KNOW the move is weighing on her. It's expensive. We're short selling our house so basically minus retirement, we have zero savings. My salary went from mid 6 figures to under 6 figures. We're moving back to a place where my work really isn't. It's her hometown. She has tons of friends there.

Am I too naive to something? Am I losing myself so much in my W that I don't know who I am anymore?

Here's my take. I want us to work. For so many years, I've been the one driving this train and now it's her turn. My career is on hold - for now but possibly permanently. Right now I'M FINE with that.

I'm really at a loss.

When I said, "Let her go." I meant for now. I really don't think I'll make it if I do that. I hear others that are going through it and I don't think I have the fortitude to deal with it. That would mean, career on hold, not see my kids AND not live with the person I love.

Gotta tell ya, I can't do that. That is my limit. It's simply too much all at once. I would rather clean break and "start over".

That's NOT what I want at all. I guess the "do whatever it takes" attitude has to include some sort of contact with both my kids and my W. If I can't have that, I can't continue...

[Bolt]

Bolt,

I don't think this is a uncommon thing to go through the up swing and then down again. You must take a moment to think clearly right now and remove yourself from the sitch.

Where did you make progress?

What did you to achieve that progress?

What have you done different?

I still believe you guys need to move to the next step of getting professional help. DB session maybe?

I'm trying to setup an apt with my therapist this afternoon. Just so I can figure out how to handle it.

I hear ya, 2step - but I don't understand how I got here so suddenly. I'm almost half expecting her to come up to me later this afternoon, hug me and say, "I'm sorry that I'm putting you through this. I'm just confused."

I don't WANT to have that expectation but I feel that. I know her so well that I honestly feel this is fear. When she is afraid, she lashes out at those that she loves so it justifies her fear - see? he can't go through the hard times...

I'm going to act as if. Act as if things are positive. Stay positive around her BUT give her her space.

I think this all started because she thought she had work today. She got up at 5am and I woke as well. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was getting ready for work. I told her she didn't work today. But now she was up...Probably didn't help things...

[grr]

hey boltie
i am here for you...we all are
just like you've been here for us

maybe what happened is that it all happened too soon
you know?
you two might have jumped right back into the swing of things too fast and now she just needs to step back
none of this is black and white

i have said before, the mistake that h and i had made (more than once) was just jumping back in....what would have been more beneficial to us would to have taken in very slowly
because when you don't. it's like the other thing never existed and while one of you is relieved, the other might be unsure and feel like they are living a lie

give her the time to reconcile organically

be positive, and keep your space lovingly

i know it will work out for you
i really do
patience
or a spanking

love from here to there

[Bolt]

I hear ya grr but I'm not sure we "jumped back in". I didn't think things were perfect but we had decided to work on it. I do consider this work. I just need a working partner - EVEN if that means the work she has to do for now is just let it happen.

I see your point and will definitely reread the post to let it become a part of my thought process...

[angel61]

HI Bolt,

I tend to agree with grr.... maybe it all went to fast.

Who was it who posted the story of the squirrel? Do you knw that one?

I am trying to keep that in mind.

Hang in there.

Do you think if you asked her to think this over well, as there are many issues and feelings (kids, career, etc) to consider, she will give it some thought? And at the same time let her know that whatever her decision you will support it? And that you and she can plan this well on a less emotional basis?

I am just saying this because not too long ago she said she wanted it to work out, so its not like this is a well thogught out plan.

[Bolt]

HI Bolt,


Do you think if you asked her to think this over well, as there are many issues and feelings (kids, career, etc) to consider, she will give it some thought? And at the same time let her know that whatever her decision you will support it? And that you and she can plan this well on a less emotional basis?

I am just saying this because not too long ago she said she wanted it to work out, so its not like this is a well thogught out plan.

I can definitely do most of that. See, I don't think that a move AND a separation will work. I'm in a completely new place - HER old place with very little friends and ZERO knowledge of the place. Plus, I'm away from where my career is.

I can handle all of that IF we're together working on it but not if we aren't. Am I making sense? Am I wrong?