Good morning so far. After last night's Valentine's night blues when I went over to her brother's and she showed me the gifts that hr brother gave her (wife's favorite gerber daisies that I have always gotten for her even on the random days), the last text I got from my wife was just to check on me and my son. We talked about her coming over int he morning to pick him up and that I had offered breakfast and coffee. I offered only because the situation at her brother's does not make it easy to do these little things... like make meals. He is a messy dude.
I had been up with the baby since 6:00, so I had set up cereal and bowls as well as coffee mugs for breakfast. She sent a text telling me that she was on her way but picking up treats. When she arrived at 7:30, she brought a bag of kolaches from the bakery down the street. Nice surprise. I made coffee. She nursed our son and put him down for a nap.
We had a nice casual visit until I had to go to my office to work. She ended up hanging out until 10:00. This is a major plus, becuase just last week in couple's therapy, she mentioned that she did not feel safe in this house and did not want to spend any time here.
I took Bolt's advice from his goal setting thread and will not text or call her today. She will probably reach out to make sure the time for me to pick her up on the way to couples therapy.
Good morning so far. Have to stick to my goal. I will write later about preparing for therapy tonight. I need to own up and apologize for the hurt she feels for me telling my parents about the affair before her as well as hacking into her email to discover the affair. I talked to my therapist last night about the approach, but I would love the BITS advice. I will post again a little later with my thoughts.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I would spend that valuable therapy time talking about the problem instead of the symptom
don't get tangled int he small stuff (I know it isn't really SMALL) but shelving the OW isn't what is important
it is figuring out why there WAS an OW...what areas have been missing, what areas need work, where you both are
I would maybe not pretened but pretend the OW isn't an issue...
I understand where you are going here, Figg. I understand that she is just a symptom of the issue, but with her in the picture, how can we really work on us?
I do think we need to spend the valuable therapy time talking about what happened to us. What areas need help, etc. I also get the feeling right now that my W is more interested in using therapy to talk about co-parenting. She has given a little about her feelings but not much in therapy so far. I guess I will just let the therapist do her job and lead us down the road to recovery.
I do, however, intend to begin therapy with a sincere apology for betraying her trust in checking her email and exposing the affair to my parents instead of her first. I agree that this is very important.
So I need to ask for some advice on how to approach tonight's couples therapy session. Please feel free to comment. I could use anything.
I first want to start with a sincere apology about telling my parents about the affair first as well as the email deception. My therapist recommended to tell her why I did it, but to me that was like "I'm sorry, but..". He said that I could come across instead as "apologize, here is what I was thinking at that moment, now I realize I was wrong because of this". Does that makes sense?
I then anticipate questions from my wife concerning the email. The most important I would think would be if I have a copy. Bolt and I discussed this as, "Yes I do. They are sealed in a safe place. I hope they never have to come out. I look forward to the day where we can burn them together". Makes sense to me, but I can see how even that would get her defenses going. My property, holding them over my head, etc. Thoughts?
I want to eventually get to a point as cat mentioned where I just actively listen to my wife. I am not sure if she there yet in this process, but I want to know what her feelings were during the time the affair began. What was missing from me? What emotions were not being met? Are there things now that I can do? Just simply listen and not argue any of her feelings. Just validate. I know communication is a big part of the faults of our marriage, so I want to make sure that I listen carefully. Should I even take notes to properly understand, or would that come off weak?
Help me out, please. Cat? Figg? Mach? Bolt? ironman? Lostinscared? BITS? You guys have provided me the most useful information that I have found so far in my journey. Thank you!!
Thank you!
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
apologize for telling your parents (I would leave out the whole part about telling them 1st...honestly, this is YOUR marriage...your parents don't need to know anything that is your business, really)
I wouldn't take notes...I would be irked if I were trying to talk and someone was taking notes instead of listening
apologize for snooping in her email Certainly use your therapist's approach but never put a but in there
I am sorry I broke into your email account. I was terrified I was losing you and was trying to find something, anything, to give me clues as to what was going on.
I was wrong
I should have asked you and then really listened to your answers.
I broke your trust by snooping through your private things and that was wrong.
I have no idea why she would ask if you have copies and I have no idea why you would keep copies unless you are planning to do something vindictive with them
I wouldn't take notes...I would be irked if I were trying to talk and someone was taking notes instead of listening
I agree, and I think it would pi$$ me off more to think I wasn't important enough for you to REMEMBER those things...
Journal afterward if you have trouble remembering...
For sure. Just thinking out loud. My memory is not the best, and I just want to make sure I really take everything in. That would probably pi$$ me off as well.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Let me ask you a quick question ... what would the old sparks that your W hates ... what would he do in this meeting? Would he justify his actions? Would he make it a fight?
Do the opposite. See how your W reacts.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
apologize for telling your parents (I would leave out the whole part about telling them 1st...honestly, this is YOUR marriage...your parents don't need to know anything that is your business, really)
I wouldn't take notes...I would be irked if I were trying to talk and someone was taking notes instead of listening
apologize for snooping in her email Certainly use your therapist's approach but never put a but in there
I am sorry I broke into your email account. I was terrified I was losing you and was trying to find something, anything, to give me clues as to what was going on.
I was wrong
I should have asked you and then really listened to your answers.
I broke your trust by snooping through your private things and that was wrong.
I have no idea why she would ask if you have copies and I have no idea why you would keep copies unless you are planning to do something vindictive with them
Thanks Figg! Great advice. Those are the exact thoughts that I wanted to get across.
My therapist also mentioned that I may want to use a word other then betrayal from now on. He mentioned that it has a very negative connection to it and that I use the word avoidance instead. We all avoided the truth. I voided telling her of the affair and emails. She avoided telling me of the affair. I really don't know about this advice. Seems like wordsmithing to me.
Copies are only there in case the very worst happens. W and I have agreed that if the end were to happen, we would keep things very pleasant through mediation and go 50/50 with custody. If things were to get ugly, and my W really wanted to make the D ugly, they are my only evidence of the affair. Trust me. I do not want to use them. I want to burn them with my wife after we reconcile. D is the furthest thing from my mind, and I am petrified at the thought. In the end, it is only there for protection of my son and I. No vindictive feelings in my head.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Let me ask you a quick question ... what would the old sparks that your W hates ... what would he do in this meeting? Would he justify his actions? Would he make it a fight?
Do the opposite. See how your W reacts.
Ironman, are you talking 180?
If so, man, I have no idea. Communication has always been different in therapy versus at home. When we communicated at home, there were a ton of defenses that turned to arguments... and justifications. When we were in therapy, communication was awesome. Validation. True listening.
So 180 from the worst sparks was the communication from couples therapy sparks. Make sense?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I really don't know about this advice. Seems like wordsmithing to me.
It works well too....
The human mind doesn't think in terms of "do" and "don't"...
It is programmed to think in positive thoughts....
Let me put it this way...
You are standing on the tee box, and you have 155 yards to the green. The problem is that you have to hit over a lake to get there.
You are with your best buddies, and they are kickin your a$$...
So you say over and over..." Don't go in the water"
Chances are for the novice golfer, you are gonna hit one to the scuba gods....
The mind only heard...."go in the water"...
So for a more positive thought, you would say....
"Hit the green "
Make sense ?
You say you trust your therapist....
Do you still ?
I understand where you are going with this. I was just afraid that my wife would take it like I was somehow lessening my apology. I do think avoidance comes across less of an offense as betrayal. As long as I explain that what she did was avoidance as well, and that we are on the same page, I can see how it would work from here on out.
Do you think that I should just dive into using the avoidance? I was thinking more in line as just stating it as a matter of fact that my therapist suggested we use the word due to the heavy tone of the word betrayal. "We have been tossing this word betrayal around pretty loosely. I think it would be better if instead we used the word avoidance instead."
When you asked if I trusted my therapist, at the time we were talking about my couples therapist. This was my individual therapist advice. I think I trust him as well, but his sessions have been 98% me talking lately because I have had so much on my mind. I think in the end, I do or will trust his advice. I have appreciated him, but it is all so new. This is the first time I have been to therapy on my own.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
